Is it abuse, is this a cycle?

[usernameiswhat]

I've been sexually abused by 5 different people, I think.

When I was a kid my dad would take off my clothes when he spanked me, this stopped as I got older. He's still around. My mother didn't approve.

When I went to public school one of my bullies pulled off my clothes and I wrote an apology letter telling her I was sorry if I did something to make her angry.

A 23 year old man asked me on a date when I was 16, he tried to pressure me into sucking his dick and grabbed me in places without asking me (when I didn't want him too.) I broke up with him. My parents were OK with us dating; they didn't know about the abuse.

A 29 year old man asked me out when I was 17, he seemed more respectful. When I told him no he listened, he said he wanted my first time to be special, but he was... affectionate and into choking. He groomed me, he would make out with me in front of people who knew he was older than me. He talked about how he was into choking publicly. He would touch me in places I told him not to and then say it was an accident. 2 other girls had to pull me out of the relationship before I realized something was wrong. My parents didn't know about him at all.

This was when it hit me that these kinds of people might be targeting me. I looked into red flags, learned about child grooming, tried to figure out how to protect myself against abusers. I really thought things would change. I stopped hanging out with older people, I stopped hanging out with people that had friends who dated younger people, I cut out people who had tempers or lied. You get the idea.

Then it happened again. He was 17, kind to everyone around him, listened to what I had to say, etc. I told him "Don't touch me in new places without asking" he agreed, and he didn't touch me in new places without asking... for awhile. One day we were making out and grinding a little and he just grabbed my privates. I said "No" and he kept rubbing it while asking "Did you say No?" I repeated "No" and then he stopped. He apologized and said that he "genuinely fucked up" (his words.) I don't know if I believe him.

I'm not even hurt I'm just... confused and numb, I guess.

I wanna go see a therapist but my dad says there's nothing wrong with me. My mom (who is unemployed) isn't sure but she says since dad makes all the money we can't really do anything about it.

I don't really know what to do. Am I stuck in a cycle of abuse? If I am, how can I get out on my own??

[Sam W]

Hi usernameiswhat,

First off, I want to say that I'm so sorry that multiple people in your life made the choice to abuse you and that your new partner may fall into that same pattern. There are a couple different things that I want to address in your post, but before we get into any of them I want to say that while it's great that you're looking for ways to break this pattern (and it sounds like you've done a lot of research and learning on your own, which is awesome) and there are some tools that people can use to spot or get away from abusive people, abuse still ultimately happens because abusers choose to do it. There's no single combination of behaviors and thoughts that will protect everyone from abuse, because it happens when another person makes an active choice (I don't say that to be bleak, but to emphasize that no matter what you do, the abuse is not your fault).

I do want to say that steering clear of older people who view you as a potential partner was a sound call. While there are exceptions, what we know is that adults who actively pursue romantic or sexual relationships with teenagers seldom create healthy relationships (also I'm glad you have people in your life who were looking out for you and helped you get out of that second relationship).

With your current partner, is this the first time he's gone across a boundary, sexual or otherwise? Do you generally feel pretty safe and respected with him.

In terms of seeing a therapist, there still may be ways for you to access that kind of support. For starters, do you think your dad would be open to discussing why you want to see one and actually listening to your reasons? Is that a conversation you'd be comfortable having, or do you think it would not go anywhere? I also suggest taking a look at this resource. It covers the process of finding a mental healthcare provider, including navigating barriers to access: Process This: Getting the Most Out of Therapy

[usernameiswhat]

We broke up the moment after it happened. I felt safe with him but never really felt "respected", there were times I would ask very little of him (like deleting a picture he took of me without asking, understanding my religion, etc.) and he just ignored me. Even then that was a lot more respect than what I normally have. I know not to put up with that kind of behavior anymore.

I'm scared because I've only been in 4 relationships, those men made up 3 of them, 75% of my relationships were bad! When it comes to friendships I'm disrespected too; they'll invite me out to places agree to pick me up and then never arrive. So I stopped hanging out with them as well.

I keep cutting toxic people out of my life only to run into new ones and there is nobody else. I can't help but feel like I'm doing something wrong.

As for seeing a therapist, I've tried to have that conversation 3x now. I don't think asking a 4th time would change anything. When I try to talk about my reasons for going he just laughs it's embarrassing.

[Sam W]

Okay, so given his other behavior it sounds like ending that relationship was a sound choice to make in terms of your well-being. It does majorly suck that so many of your relationships have been with people who saw you as someone they could take advantage of, and it's understandable that you'd feel scared that's how all your relationships will end up being. So, I don't want to minimize or dismiss those feelings. However, there are a few things to think about that might help you feel better. For starters, you're still pretty young in the grand scheme of things.That means you have most of your life ahead of you to meet people, be they partners or friends, who treat you well and who you have awesome relationships with. And odds are that's what will happen. Too, you've already shown a tremendous amount of willingness to learn from those bad situations and practice enforcing your boundaries. The more you do that, the more you'll find yourself able to pick out the people who will treat you with kindness and respect and keep the ones who don't do that out of your social circles. Does that make sense?

That sounds like some serious jerkiness on your friend's part. Do you have any friends besides that group of people who you could get support from?

Okay, so it sounds like if you want to access a therapist you're going to need to go around your dad. Would you like to talk about ways you could try accessing the care you need (possibly with help from your mom)? Too, just to make sure, if he were to find out that you'd accessed mental healthcare without going through him, do you think you'd be in danger?

[usernameiswhat]

Yeah it makes perfect sense.

I do have another group of friends but I don't know how to feel about hanging out with them, they are a bit older than me (18-22 y/o) they knew about the 29 year old man I mentioned (he lied to them that he was only 22) and they didn't do anything. They just apologized after the fact.

Is there anyway I can get help while going around both of my parents? I don't know if this is really danger but there's this thing with my family, a cycle I guess, whenever I try to ask mom for something and it goes against stuff dad has already said (like getting therapy)- she'll help me, then dad will lash out at her, then she and dad will blame me and lash out at me together. When I say lash out I just mean they yell a lot, it's not dangerous I just don't like it.

[Sam W]

With that other friend group, it's not great that they didn't intervene, although their reasons for that might vary from person to person (for instance, someone who didn't because they weren't sure how might be safer than someone who didn't because they didn't think it was a big deal). Are there people in that group who you feel respected and supported by, or who you like and trust?

Too, we could also talk about ways for you to meet new people and possibly expand your support circles with some new friends. Is that an avenue you're interested in exploring?

Okay, so it sounds like involving your mom in the process is a no-go, and that privacy is going to be really important. To make sure I'm clear, are you looking for support that's primarily centered on healing from the abuse that's happened? Or are you looking for a more general therapist? Depending on what you're looking for, there are a few different avenues we can talk about.