first time guilt

[blondy01]

hi. last night, me and my boyfriend of a year had sex for the first time. he used a condom, didn't cum, and it lasted at most a minute due to me wanting to stop. I had thought I was ready for it but I guess I wasnt. I am not quite worried about being pregnant (though the thought does cross my mind and I get scared) because 1. he had a condom on and used it perfectly after doing research, 2. he was not even fully erect 3. it barely lasted any time at all and he didn't cum or anything, and 4. it was the day my period ended and I have at least 28 day cycles normally so it is doubtful that I was even ovulating. however, I feel extremely guilty. I love my boyfriend a lot and we have already agreed on engagement in the next 3 years, but I had promised myself a long time ago that I would wait for marriage. I am actually pretty religious but I guess I am just a fake now and I don't even know who I am. I let myself and my family down and I don't think I can ever forgive myself. I feel like I deserve all the bad in the world and I am a failure and I ruined my whole life. I don't even know what I am asking really except how to get over this guilt.

[Jacob]

Hi blondy01,

I am so sorry you are feeling all this pain! It's very difficult to follow rules that we made ahead of time, especially around sexuality, because honestly our desires change, and we may no longer want something which we decided we wanted 3 years ago. But that doesn't mean it isn't painful when we realise we can't always do what we have committed to.

It makes sense that you would have fears about pregnancy, despite knowing that it's not really possible. One thing which can happen when we feel guilty is that we hope that some negative consequence will absolve us. It's almost like the universe getting even with us, so we can move on. This is especially true for those of us who were told that 'punishment' was important when we were kids.

I personally don't think you have done anything wrong, but that a far healthier way to address those feelings of guilt is to look at where they are coming from.

You haven't done anything to hurt anyone. You probably just wanted to enjoy some intimacy with someone you cared about. If you can encourage yourself to show compassion for yourself and think about yourself in a more positive light, it might become easier to let go of the guilt.

[blondy01]

that all makes sense. thank you for taking the time to answer this and providing encouragement and helpful words. I appreciate it. hopefully I can work through it eventually. I hate feeling like this. I know I shouldn't stress because like you said I didn't hurt anyone. and also it happened and is in the past and theres nothing I can do to change it, except making different choices in the future if I feel that is what I want. I hope soon I can stop feeling so bad but I will just have to keep rereading your words and advice. thank you again

[Jacob]

No problem, I'm so glad it was helpful!

[blondy01]

sorry I have one more question. obviously you can't tell me whether I am/going to become pregnant due to this incident, but given the circumstances listed in my first post, do you think I should be worried about it? I have access to plan b, and it wouldn't be taken until 72 hours later. but is it something I would need to do?

[Sam W]

Hi blondy,

Since the condom didn't break or come off, you can assume it did it's job and that plan b is not needed. As Jacob mentioned, pregnancy fears are something that can definitely pop up when people are dealing with guilt or other strong feelings about a sexual choice. So it'd be sound to assume that's what's happening here and care for yourself accordingly. If you'd like, this article can give you some ways to do that: Self-Care a La Carte

[Arasia]

Just to provide a different perspective: I am also religious, and believe in waiting until marriage. Today's society has largely turned away from abstinence until marriage. For those of us who have that belief, that makes it really really hard to maintain it! So you are definitely not alone in struggling with wanting to be intimate verses wanting to follow your faith.
I do not think you are a fake at all. Nobody follows their religion perfectly. I think, often, the best we can do is to keep striving to do good, to find peace with ourselves and our choices, and to trust that we are loved no matter what we choose.
When I am feeling guilty or just bad in general, I have found comfort in talking about how I feel in a prayer. I would encourage you to be gentle with yourself.

[Sam W]

Arasia, thank you for you comment, but for the future please know that this is a space for staff and volunteer replies only.

[blondy01]

to ask the above question again: should I worry about pregnancy given the circumstances in the first message? In all opinions given to me by others in real life they think I am fine, because he didn't cum (neither inside me, nor at any time before or after) and was wearing a condom correctly. I just am wondering because yes it was the day after my period but mine are irregular so idk if I ovulated really early.

[blondy01]

sorry I did not see all the messages before I sent the last one, my computer is weird. okay, thank you so much for the reassurance. I come from a home where accidentally falling pregnant before marriage is quite literally the end of the world so it stresses me out a tiny bit, and I keep having nightmares almost, about it, but I really need to relax. I do have significant anxiety in general and see a therapist at my school weekly for it, so I really need to relax. thank you for the help

[blondy01]

also I have just a general question about condoms. it says online that they are only about 98%effective when used perfectly. where does this 2% come from, if they are supposed to prevent pregnancy when used correctly? obviously I know I have nothing to worry about due to my circumstances, I am just confused. does this account for people who do not always use them? does this mean that semen/sperm can actually leak through somehow sometimes? I just am confused about this information online

[Sam W]

You're welcome! Too, if becoming pregnant before marriage carries risks to your well-being in terms of how your family would react, that's an indicator that it would be best for you and your partner to stick with activities that don't carry that possibility. Do you think you and he could have a conversation about that and adjust what you're doing sexually?

As far as condom effectiveness, there are a few things that may be helpful to understand. One is that effectiveness rates are for an entire year of use, rather than in a single instance. So condoms can be, and are, 100% effective during a single use. Too, perfect use means it's used ever time and the directions are followed exactly. But even if people do that, there will be rare instances where the condom does something like break.

[blondy01]

yes, that is what I was thinking too - on the same day that we did this, we agreed to not do it again until marriage, and do other things that would not present this risk. he was more than welcoming of the idea, as he is just as worried as I am when it comes to the possibility of that outcome, which is why we were both extremely careful to begin with.

thank you so much for this information - it is very helpful and very reassuring. last night I did not sleep at all because of the anxiety of the situation and once I read your response it immediately erased all of my fears. I was recently diagnosed with celiac disease and ibs, and most likely have a uti (which I thought went away before we had sex) so I have been feeling really off and for some reason was attributing my gi and urinary sx with pregnancy. my anxiety also gives me mood swings (I am sometimes angry/upset for periods of time) when I am presented with a stressful situation that I don't know how to control so that was scaring me as well. but I feel much better after reading your response. it really gives some clarity on those statistics,which were pretty confusing to me. now I know that I have nothing to worry about, because I'm sure you guys would tell me if there was an action I would need to take to prevent consequences.

[Sam W]

You're welcome, I'm glad it helped you out! And it sounds like you and he have worked out a boundary that works for both of you, which is a great step.

[blondy01]

hi sorry, this thread hasn't been used for awhile. but well I have irregular periods and wasn't expecting mine for another 5-10 days, but this morning I woke up to brown blood, a really light flow. I've had this once before, but when my period was late. I have no cramps or anything which is super strange for me. I've heard of implantation bleeding so I got scared, but then I realized I really didn't have a risk of pregnancy from what I've described above, and I've only ever previously done things on your "no risk" section of an article on here. my counselor and doctor weren't concerned with pregnancy when I talked about this above event so I know I shouldn't be but this period is strange, if thats what it is. I am seeing a doctor for these weird periods since they've always been irregular and just had a bunch of tests done but I'm still freaked.

[Sam W]

Hi blondy,

It sounds like you're taking a lot of the right steps in terms of figuring out what's going on and not giving into pregnancy fears. While we can't say for certain what's causing this current bleeding, if it's something that's happened before as part of your irregular cycle then that's likely what's happening now. However, the person who can best help you figure it out is the healthcare provider you're working with. In the meantime, how about picking a few things from this article
Self-Care a La Carte to help you take care of yourself and manage some of that stress?