Being single

[Heather]

That's okay, this works, too. Thank you!

You know, it sounds to me -- what I think I am hearing from you -- like you are getting waaaaaaaaay too much input from other people on what you want or they think you should want. I don't know if you're getting that because you're asking for it or if it's coming in unsolicited, but either way, it sounds like other people's feedback in your life isn't very useful, is often off-base, and, most of all, just isn't something you want. It may even be making you feel so burnt out talking about relationships that you can't figure out what you want for yourself.

I would suggest that you maybe take an enforced break of talking to others about all this. If it's been you asking for feedback, stop asking: maybe make a rule for yourself that for a manageable amount of time (maybe start with a week?) you will not ask other people about this stuff. If it's not you asking, how about setting some limits with people for now: when they want to talk to you about any of this, you tell them you actually need a break from outside input and ask to talk about something else.

Do you have a hard time, generally, when it comes to deciding what you want for yourself instead of being strongly influenced by what other people think?

Want to also talk about your friend and the cheating partner? If so, can you fill me in on if you think she is actually someone at risk of suicide, or if she's just dramatic in talking about how she can't live without this guy?

[laurabriann]

Well, it is a bit complicated... when i am talking to my mom I always initiate the conversation about my ex, since she is the only one that I talk about my feelings. Talking to her doesn’t make me sad but it certainly affects the pace of moving on. Anyways, as I told you in my previous posts, only two of my friends are always coming up with a conversation about this even though I try to change the subject most of the time. The others do not talk about it all the time. I will definitely tell them that I don’t want to talk about him anymore. If they continue to do so, I will not answer any of their questions and leave them without an answer. By the way, I know that other people’s opinions really affect mine. I feel like I can’t make any decisions on my own which may be the reason why i’m feeling so depressed.
My friend that is being cheated on is used to be my best friend, but since she spends almost all of her time with her boyfriend, for the last three years, we are not that close anymore. And I figured out her bf is cheating on her since he dm’ed one of my best friends and told her that he doesn’t have a gf, which is basically lying about his relationship and cheating! So, we took some screenshots and he apologized and told hs this will never happen again. So i did not tell to my friend yet that her bf is cheating on her. I don’t know if i should tell her. She is really in love with that guy, he treats her so bad, he often breaks up with her and then comes back and she gets back together with him all the time. She even distanced herself from her mother because of this guy. It is a really toxic relationship. But she is planning to get married with him. And she always passes out everytime he breaks up with her and then spends a few days at the hospital... but this time she’ll learn that he is cheating. So I don’t know what would happen to her. She might even commit suicide, she is acting super weird lately. What should I do? If I were her, I would definitely want my friends to tell me truth. I hang out with her but am not telling her the truth about this. If she finds out she might never ever talk to me again. But again if I tell her, her bf would probably not want her to see me again and BOOM she might stop talking to me altogether. What do you think I should do? I don’t want to risk her life:(

[Heather]

You know, I think that you could be honest with people in your life by just saying something like, "Can we take a break from talking about dating relationships? I'm in the thick of trying to figure out what I really want right now, and I really struggle with being too influenced by outside opinions." Then people know the real deal, and you also can be honest and not feel like it's shameful (it isn't!) to be someone who gets really influenced by what others think. So very many people struggle with that. I swear it's not just you and that it's okay. You just need to learn to manage that, that's all.

With your friend: what "cheating" is really depends on the agreement a couple has. I don't know what theirs is, but it doesn't sound like her boyfriend is probably outside the agreement in his actions, since those agreements are usually about people being sexual with others, in action, outside the relationship. It sounds like he's maybe being a douchebag, for sure, if he's lying about his relationship status, but I think telling her he's cheating would actually be something that would likely upset her a lot, and for no good reason, since it doesn't sound like he is. In fact, it sounds a little to me like you might be stepping outside your lane here by telling her that.

BUT.

This guy sounds like a jerk, obviously. And I agree with you, this sounds like a crummy relationship where both people's behaviour is pretty outer limits. It also sounds like your friend isn't very emotionally stable -- or is behaving like she is to try to up the drama that seems like a constant in her life and that relationship. Personally, I don't see the benefit to talking to her about her relationship, including telling her about this DM. On the other hand, what you might want to do is talk to her about your concerns about HER and her own behaviour and her choices to stay in something that seems to make her life worse instead of better, and even has her in and out of the hospital. Have you done that before? If so, how did that go? If not, what do you think about doing that?

[laurabriann]

Thank you, Heather. Well, I didn't actually think about it that way before. Again, I was influenced by my parents, they told me not to tell her about this since this might not be considered as cheating... they told me to talk to her about how i feel about this boy and my concerns about her... I, once, told her not to think about this relationship as if her life depends on it and that it would be totally okay if this relationship ended somehow. She said nothing about this. Then she told me that she still feels so guilty for breaking up with him two years ago, for just a month. And she continuously wanted me to approve that she didn't do anything bad then. It really sucks that while she is still blaming herself for leaving this guy for a month, all he does is dm'ing with other girls. I decided not to tell her what happened, but still my heart tells me to tell her everything. I don't want her to be sad, but I feel like it will be much worse for her to continue with this relationship. Again, I can't tell her what to do and what not to do, so I'll not be talking about this to her.

I will definitely tell my friends that I don't want to talk about relationships for some time. I know that it really makes me feel so depressed.

I definitely am influenced in a bad way by many people about my past relationship. The day we talked on the phone and decided to break up, I was feeling that I did the right thing and I told my mom exactly this: "No matter what I will remember about this call in the future, please remind me that I believe what he told me by heart and he is not to blame." Because I felt that he still cared about me, and I was definitely still in love with him. We both cried and I feel like if he didn't care about me, he wouldn't cry. It still hurts sometimes, Heather, thinking that he is not my sweetheart anymore. I still love him deep down in my heart, and I really don't know if I will ever love someone again. I feel like I shouldn't rush myself into another relationship right now, since I still love him and I feel like if I get into another relationship I'll ruin our chance of being together in the future. I decided to wait till he finds someone new, or I will wait until I am over him. Do you think it is normal being not over a relationship that ended on good terms in 2 months? I don't stalk him nor contact him, but I still see him in my dreams and I find myself thinking about him during the day. I'll be alright right?

[Heather]

Laura: I'm afraid I won't be able to get back to this until Monday. Please drop a line here if you're fine with other staff stepping in who will be here sooner and can reply before I can get back here.

(But yes, I absolutely feel certain you are going to be okay. Sometimes breakups are just really, really hard. <3)

[laurabriann]

Yes, I am fine with other staff replying.

[Sam W]

Hi Laura,

It sounds like you've come to a decision about whether to tell your friend, and that talking about this incident isn't something you think would be helpful.

It's pretty common for people to still be feeling raw or missing the person they broke up with after two months. People move on from relationships at different paces, and since it sounds like this relationship was really important to you, that may mean it takes a little longer to adjust to no longer being in it. Like Heather said, sometimes break-ups are just really rough.

When you say you're influenced in a bad way by other people about this past relationship, can you tell me more about that?

[laurabriann]

Hi Sam,
What I mean by saying I was influenced in a bad way is that at first when we broke up, it was a mutual decision and I told him that even though it hurts to be breaking up, I knew deep down in my heart that it is the best for us to end our relationship, since we might possibly not be able to be together in the future, since he is planning to live in Germany, while I still don't know for sure where I would be then, and it would certainly be a lot harder for us to end our relationship then if we decided to live in different cities or maybe countries. But after a while, as I talked to people around me about our break up, they started saying that he was influenced by his parents, especially his mom, since she spammed me on facebook (yes, I know this spamming thing might really prove them right, I, myself, am thinking the same way to be honest), which was not a good thing and it would be much worse if we were still together, his mother would always find a way to show me that she doesn't love me. Anyways, people also said that if he loved me enough he would not let things be this way, he would not let me go. Two years ago, when I broke up with him because of my upcoming exams (they were quite important since they were for university placement) and I was not over my ex boyfriend, for 7 months he kept on communicating with me... But this time, he only told me that he got accepted to the college and that was it.

In the last few months of our relationship, he was sometimes telling me stuff like "you should dress up the way I do when I am working" or like "your hair looks kind of damaged you should chop it a little" or "you lost so much weight, your butt slimmed down a lot" and everytime he told me this stuff I told him that it was not nice of him to say such things to me. And he always apologised saying he was so stressed out and he loved me so much and found me beautiful etc. But I was getting so upset everytime this happened and my last two months in the relationship was not that happy to be honest. I was holding on to our relationship, because everyone around me was telling me that he was adorable, so kind and good and that he loved me a lot (I knew he loved me, I could feel that), and that made me feel like maybe I was a bit depressed and stressed because of my final exams and I was a bit touchy. Anyways, when he went to his summerhouse with his parents he became more distant day by day. One day he was telling me that he loved me and he would be there for me no matter what, and 10 days later boooom he did not even care if I called him or not... So we broke up, I can say that he initiated the breakup with his actions. And now, my friends are all saying that he wants to keep me there waiting for him while he hangs out with other girls (I doubt it).

When we talked on the phone as we were breaking up, I really felt deep down in my heart that what he was telling me was the truth, that he would not have that much time to talk to me everyday and he was scared of losing our relationship due to a huge fight and we should end things before it is too late for us to get back together in the future, and that he believed that we will be together in the future if it's meant to be... and to keep my ring with me, if we get back together he'd put it in my finger once again... I don't know what to think, he's still with his parents now and he's spending most of his days with them. But I don't know, if he didn't love me why would he cry when we were ending our relationship. He was weeping. And I felt that it was real. What he was telling me was the truth I could feel that. But people affected me a lot and now I feel like he broke up with me because I was not enough... For the last couple of days I've started crying over him again. What am I gonna do, I told him not to communicate unless it is a special day such as our birthdays etc.

[Sam W]

Those are all really rough emotions to be dealing with and, as we've been talking about, it sounds like the opinions of others are playing a really heavy role in how you're interpreting what happened and your ability to heal from the break-up. With that in mind, here are a few thoughts that might help you with those tough emotions.

It sounds like a lot of people in your life are under the impression that if two people truly love each other they'll find a way to make it no matter the odds. One of the really, really unfair realities of life is that two people can love each other and still, for a variety of reasons, not stay together. Breaking up doesn't mean they don't, or didn't, feel love for each other. It just means that sometimes the needs of the relationship and the realities of the world don't line up. Going along with that, plenty of people are have very strong emotions during a break-up, like crying, even when they are sure that breaking up is the thing that needs to happen (I'd wager this happens more often than many people think it does). Does that all make sense?

There's also the piece of him making comments about being together in the future. I can see how your friends might think that's a sign he wants to keep you waiting while he's off dating other people, but since you don't think that's likely, you get to trust that instinct. That being said, do you feel like some of the difficulty you're having healing from the break-up is because a part of you believes that you two will get back together?

[laurabriann]

Actually yes, some part of me feels like we are still in a relationship, that is muted, if that makes any sense For example, I met a nice guy in the course, and we talked a bit after class, he seems really kind. I don't know if he likes me but he told me that he saw me once in college (he is a research assistant there), so the way he remembered me is a good sign that I attracted his attention (not in a bad way of course)... Anyways, it is sooo early to say that there may be something between us, but if there was a potential flirting phase on the way, I don't know how I would react. Some part of me is saying that it is too early to get into that flirting phase, since it's been only two months, I feel like my ex would get so hurt if he hears it from someone (I really don't trust that friend of mine who's in Germany, she might go and tell him thinking I would be happy if he knows...). And hurting him is the last thing I would want to do And the main reason why I don't want to get into another relationship is that I feel like it'll ruin all our chances of getting back together in the future. Because, yes, I feel like we'll get back together in the future... we did not have any serious problem in our relationship and we still care about each other a lot. And the moment I saw him for the first time, my instincts were telling me that he was the guy I was going to marry (does this sound bizarre ) and I generally trust my gut If I get into another relationship, at least for a little while, I would not post anything about it on social media because I really don't want to hurt him or make him feel like I don't love him anymore. Because I still do deep down in my heart, also knowing that it's the best for us to be apart for now. I can't say I'm not moving on, I really am much better but I still have some dreams about getting back together in my sleep... I know that after a few more months it would be totally okay to be in another relationship, since both parties would probably be moved on. I don't know if I'll be in a relationship then, or if that person will be the guy I just met (I know we just met but you know my instincts ). I realized that I was freaking out about my ex finding out, even though I know he would not say anything to me. Another ex of mine, got super rude and started cursing when he found out that I was dating another guy 3 months after our breakup, and even though I know this ex is not like him it's like a trauma. I don't want to ruin our chance of getting back together later on, you know And of course, I don't want him to get hurt

[Sam W]

It makes sense that you're feeling like you're in a relationship that's paused rather than over, both because you had (and have) such strong feelings for him and because he is talking as though he intends to get back together in the future. That hope is actually pretty common when you're coming out of an intense and important romantic relationship.

But, there's also the fact that the two of you did break-up, rather than renegotiate the boundaries to stay together or take an agreed upon break with an agreement to try again in a set amount of time. Those are two very different things, even if they look the same on the surface. One is an "okay, we'll take a break for six months, in which time we can date other people, then try again if we're both still interested in being with each other" situation and the other is more of a "we'll be together again at some unspecified, possibly non-existent time in the future." You and he are unfortunately in that second category, which sounds like it's adding more pain to a break-up that was really rough for you. As a thought experiment, I'm going to suggest you consider what you want from your future given the possibility that he may not be in it. What do you want for yourself, your goals, your relationships?

You may also want to consider slowing the brakes (even if they're mostly in your head right now) with the other person you just met (or another possible person, should they come along soon). Not because it would hurt your chances with your ex (after all, when he made the choice to end things, we can assume he made it understanding that you would date other people), but because you're starting to make some awesome progress on your relationship with yourself, and you're building an ability to be single and alone, which is a great thing to keep working on rather than shifting focus onto a possible new romance or flirtation. Does that make sense?

[laurabriann]

It definitely does make sense. I noticed that I’ve been thinking about my ex much less than I did a a few days ago, probably because I’m somehow interested in this guy, which makes me question my love for my ex. It seems like, focusing on another person helps me forget about how heartbroken I am and move on. Yes, I still think about my ex a few times a day, but I’m not feeling desperate anymore. What I know is that if I’m going to have another relationship, I’d rather want to take things slower. I want to get to know the person first, that is something I was unable to do in my past relationships. I also want to focus on my well being and my future career. I wish I could have the ones I love always by my side, but life sucks sometimes and I need to move on. I did what I had to do, I did not try to make him jealous or get angry with him just because we broke up, which was again something I used to do... i still love him and i wish we’ll get back together sometime in the future. I missed his face and his voice and his hugs. I missed our little chit chats about Star Wars. I missed him talking like a baby and I missed counting days to have him by my side. I believe we still care about and respect each other, at least I do. I don’t want him to feel sad because of me, because even though breaking up brings the possibility of dating other people, it is not nice for the other party seeing his ex with another person just in a few months. At least that would be something I’d get upset about. It is also important for my moving on process to take things slow. By the way, I onlu think that this person liked me and I am aware of the fact that liking someone physically doesn’t mean that the person is a potential bf or gf... anyways, i really liked the way he talks and treats people so yeah, i would really want to get to know this person very SLOOWLY Oh, and thinking about him also makes me forget about my ex which is great! The only thing that worries me is what’s going to happen if ex tries to contact me... I don’t want to hurt his feelings

[Sam W]

It makes sense that thinking about another person would help you think less about your ex, since you're directing your mental energy in a new direction. It may also help to remember that even if feelings change, that doesn't mean the feelings in the past weren't real. For example, you're getting less and less attached to your ex as time passes, and it's likely that one day you'll end up dating and loving someone else (really, we end up loving many people over the course of our lives, either romantically or as friends). That doesn't mean you have to question whether you truly loved you ex; it just means that things change.

It's kind of you to worry about his emotions and how he might react if he found out certain things, or you did certain things, but ultimately any feelings he might have about those things are his to manage. While it's good to not deliberately upset an ex, their emotions get to take a back-seat to yours as you move through a break-up, you know? Too, do think it's likely he will try to contact you?

It's awesome that you're wanting to focus on your well-being and your future! One thing you could try is that, when you have moments of really missing your ex, you take a pause to acknowledge those emotions, and then deliberately go and do something related to those other goals. That way you're not burying those rough emotions, but you're also redirecting the energy you'd otherwise spend missing him towards yourself and your goals. Does that sound doable?

[laurabriann]

That is exactly what I am doing whenever I miss him. I either read a book or watch a movie... i sometimes draw quick sketches... I guess, I realized that I can love a new person, he was not my last chance... I always feel like it is not possible to love someone new, right after break up. But with developing some feelings towards that guy I met, I realized that I am much better than I was when we first broke up. By the way, I know I told you that I don’t want to be in a sexual relationship with someone that I don’t have feelings for... but guess what? Yesterday I was at a party and well... I made out with a boy that I’ve known for a few years yet have not met in person... and it felt good. I did not feel the way I thought I would, which was basically regretting it right after. I realized that i am not that against being sexual with a stranger (of course not a stranger...). So i guess that’s good news since currently I don’t want a romantic relationship and have been wondering what I’d do without satisfying my needs. This way, I don’t think I’d rush myself into another romantic relationship, which would probably be toxic right now. My only concern is catching feelings for a person whom I am together with only for my needs. I guess There is no way to know what will happen other than experiencing. We’re still in contact with that person, and probably will meet to see what will happen next. I am still feeling great, is this weird?

[Sam W]

It sounds like you had a positive, intimate experience, so it makes sense you'd still be feeling good after that. If you're thinking about pursuing a casual relationship with this person (or someone else in the future), this offers a good overview of how to navigate those kinds of relationships: Casual...Cool? Making Choices About Casual Sex . Something that's helpful to keep in mind is that, even with casual, sexual relationships there will still be feelings, such as trust or attraction. So it's less about not having feelings, period, and more about being open and honest with the other person about what you each want.

How are you feeling in terms of building a relationship with yourself? Do you feel like you're making progress in terms of getting to know yourself and see your value outside of romantic or sexual relationships?

[laurabriann]

I am so happy to be single right now. One of the reasons why I don't want a romantic relationship for now is to get to know myself and what I want. I also want to work really hard to achieve my goals, especially the ones about my future career. I'm doing great in my German course, I borrowed some books to read and improve my German skills... I also am looking forward for my classes to start in college. Oh, and I am hoping to meet new people and make new friends. I am so thankful for the experience I shared with you in my previous post, since it made me realize that what's been making me feel uncomfortable with not having a relationship is actually not being able to satisfy my sexual needs. I know there are other ways to do so besides having a sexual partner, but still what I actually want is a real person. I am quite attracted to that guy, since I just could not stop looking into his eyes and smile... What we did was quite emotional actually, I slept on his chest during the ride back home and he was playing with my hair, we were holding hands and he was trying to warm me up and we kissed. That was it. He asked me if I wanted to come over and I already had some plans with my friends so I refused him. It was probably going to be a "one-night stand", but I don't know he's been texting me for three more days... He also told me that I can go to his place whenever I want. I guess I am going to contact him when I am around and see what will happen next. I am not sure if what he wants is also only a sexual relationship, but we need to meet in person in order to have that conversation. I really want this to work, because he was treating me so good during that ride and I did not feel weird at all, he made the experience really comfortable. What should I do? Should I text him or would it be much better if we do not text everyday? I feel like we could catch some feelings if we talk everyday. Anyways, we are not talking right now, the last time we talked was yesterday, I guess I will wait till he texts me first or I will text him when I am around... How am I supposed to have this conversation with a guy?

[Mo]

I think it's ok to text him if you'd like to talk! it can be really easy to overthink things early in a relationship with someone (which I mean in the broadest sense, whether or not you're in a capital-r Relationship with each other) but it's ok to go with what feels comfortable for you both. If you're both enjoying talking daily, that's fine; if you feel like you want to keep things moving slowly and want to wait for him to initiate contact sometimes, that's fine as well, but there isn't any one "right" way to do this.

[laurabriann]

Hi again,
I’m here with an update, well that guy I mentioned before and I have slept. He didn’t forced me into it, I wanted it at that moment. But now I kind of regret it. Like a lot. I have a quite huge hickey on the left of my neck, and I’m freaking out my mom would find out. I am always concealing it with makeup but I am super stressed. Well, we spent the night together and I left early in the morning and went to my best friend’s house and told her what happened, she’d already known that I was going to spend the night at his place. Anyways, during the night at some point he was being rude and sometimes he was super nice... now i feel like i betrayed my ex and most importantly MYSELF. I want to cry my eyes out but i’m freaking out my parents will find out. What am I gonna do? Is this something I should be freaking out about. What can I do with the hickey, I’m feeling sick

[Sam W]

Hi Laurabriann,

I'm sorry that this event has left you feeling so bad. With the hickey, make-up and using your hair or clothes to cover it can help you until it's faded. But, it sounds like there's some bigger stuff than the hickey that's bothering you. For starters, do you feel like you can make some space for yourself today where you'll have privacy and the chance to cry or do whatever else might help you process these feelings?

With those feelings of betrayal, I think the ones to examine and address are the ones where you feel like you betrayed yourself (while it may feel like betraying your ex, as we've talked about before the two of you are broken up, and part of being broken up means there's no betrayal involved in seeing someone else). Can you tell me a bit more about why this feels like a betrayal of yourself?

It sounds like this guys was sending you some mixed signals in terms of how he was treating you, which can definitely add to the jumble of feelings you're dealing with right now. Do you feel like he was overall a respectful partner? Or do you feel like the rudeness was something that was present a lot of the time you were together?

[laurabriann]

He was more like a nice guy than rude. The next day I was feeling so bad and I cried for a while, but now I am much better. I guess it was because it was my first time sleeping with someone other than my ex... I felt like I betrayed myself because I once promised myself not to involve in any kind of sexual activity with someone who is not my significant other also. I currently don't regret anything about that night except the hickey. I succeeded on concealing it with some makeup and my hair, but I do still freak out a bit. And I know that since we broke up it is totally normal for both of us to have new sexual or romantic partners. It was just weird since it was not him. But now I am quite happy since the last time I had sex was not with him... So it won't remind me of him anymore...
Are these mixed emotions normal after a one night stand? Or do all these mean that I am not ready?

[Sam W]

Okay, so it sounds like some of the upset you were feeling came from trying to reconcile some old promises with some new desires. You're certainly not the first person to feel mixed emotions like that after casual sex, although those mixed feelings are not some automatic consequence that comes any time someone has casual sex. In terms of not being in a place where this kind of relationship is a good choice for you, some of these emotions may be signalling that. Or, they could have more to do with how you're adjusting to a wanted change that goes against previous expectations you had for yourself. So it may take a bit of self-reflection to figure out what's the best choice for you. Are you thinking you want to continue pursuing casual sexual relationships, either with this person or with other people?

As an aside, when you say your last partner was rude at times, what did that look like?