Am I wasting my time?

[jerd_herley]

There’s this guy I’ve known for about five years. When we first met in middle school, I had a decent crush on him. It didn’t help that our friends would make jokes about us dating because of how close we were.

I asked him out as a freshman in High school, but he declined because he wasn’t ready for a relationship. We still remained friends until sophomore year, when he did something really stupid, and treated me horribly, so I stopped talking to him.

Now it’s senior year.

We got back in contact and sure enough I STILL have a crush on him. We talk every day (mostly because I message him every day) and we flirt a lot. I’m talking about explicit conversations, pet names, I love you’s, the whole nine yards. My problem is, Some days he acts like I’m the greatest thing in the world, and other days he acts completely disinterested.

I’m so frustrated. I think about him every day and I don’t know how to move on. I don’t have that much experience with relationships and I would love some advice to help me in the future. Thanks. Xx

[Siân]

Hi jerd_herley!

Welcome to the boards

Crushes ARE sometimes frustrating and fun and irrational all in equal measure. This one sounds pretty high on the frustration axis. I'm in two minds here, part of me wants to believe that this guy has grown up a bit since he treated you horribly in sophomore year and just doesn't know how to broach the idea of a relationship. The bigger part of me, however, suspects that that's not the case. The fact that he's turned down a relationship, treated you badly before and is now being all hot and cold makes me think that he's probably not ready to have a healthy relationship just now - with anyone. That's ok, sometimes flirting can be fun and give us a little boost without needing to be anything more - IF everyone is into that.

By the sounds of it though, you are wanting more and so the flirtiness followed by being all frozen out must be confusing and hurtful. If I were you, I'd try pulling back a little yourself, letting yourself have those crushy feelings without acting on them (because we can't always help who we're crushing on) and throwing yourself into other fun things - friendships, clubs, hobbies, anything. Sooner or later one or more of a three things will happen a) you'll forget about him, b) you'll find yourself crushing on someone else, c) without being able to take your attention for granted when it's convenient for him, this guy'll realise he has to make the effort if he wants you around. I'm rooting for a) and b) because do you really want to be with someone who has a history of being awful to you?

What do you think?

[jerd_herley]

I think I thought he was okay behavior-wise since he said he changed and apologized to me. He seemed sincere about it, I don’t know.

I agree with you and I think the best thing for me is to focus on school and hobbies and just leave him alone.

We planned a movie date next weekend, though. Is it a good idea to go?

[Sam W]

Focusing some more energy on yourself and your goals sounds like an excellent idea! With the planned movie date, it's ultimately up to you what you'd like to do. For instance, since you're leaning towards pulling back on interacting with him and focusing more on other things, does cancelling the date feel like something you're comfortable doing?

[jerd_herley]

I’d feel really bad if I cancelled. I think I should hang out with him once and then stop after that.

[Alice O]

Hey jerd_herley,

When you say you'd feel really bad do you mean because you feel like you'd be hurting his feelings? Or because it's not what you want to do?

If you're saying you'd feel bad because you want to go see a movie together, and then take space, then it sounds like you should keep the plan!

But if it's feeling easier to take a step back now and cancel the movie date, but you're worried about hurting him, I'd encourage you to do what's best for you. It's generous and empathetic to be thinking of how he might feel, but it sounds like he has often not had the courtesy of doing the same for you. So I'd suggest putting your feelings first here--plus if you communicate with him in advance he should be understanding! And if not, it seems like he again is not taking much time to put himself in your shoes...What do you think?

[jerd_herley]

I have a habit of putting other people before myself...
I meant I would feel bad if I cancelled because I don’t want to hurt his feelings. I just realized that he doesn’t really care about mine. I don’t think I should go to the movies anymore.

I don’t really have a crush on him anymore either because I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and he doesn’t treat me how I’d like to be treated. I feel kind of silly for not realizing I would be better off without him sooner.

Today, he’s been very cold. He says I’m too affectionate (which is confusing because I only talk to him once a day before bed. I say “good night, ily” when we’re done talking) and he sent me a selfie, I told him it was cute, and he didn’t say thank you or anything and got into a small argument with me about it. He said he’ll try to be better and then said he loved me (which I don’t believe at all) and that was it. This whole thing makes me nauseous.

[Alice O]

Hey!

Sounds like cancelling the movie date and stepping away from this relationship is a good plan.

I'm sorry you're feeling bad as you reflect on all this You said you feel silly for not realizing sooner that you would be better off not involved with him--you are not alone! I have definitely felt this way, as have lots of people, maybe everyone! People say "hindsight is 20/20" because it's easier to know the right thing to do when you have time to look back on it all. Feelings and relationships are complicated and it takes time to sort through it all and figure out what feels right.

A great thing is that it sounds like you are feeling really grounded in how you feel now and what you want to do. That's a big deal!

Looking ahead: Do you feel ready to communicate with him about changing movie plans and taking space?

[jerd_herley]

I told him I wasn’t going to be able to make it to the movies and he seemed to understand. I was pretty nervous about how he would react...

Thank you all so much, I feel like I’ve learned a lot about myself and relationships in the past few days.

[Alice O]

Oh I'm so glad! We're here if another question or concern comes up