Im confused

[trippyaff]

So I've been talking to this guy, and we've been talking for a couple of weeks and we've hung out a lot, and we've had sex a few times, but I'm confused on what we are. We haven't talked about it and neither of us has brought it up. I don't know how to bring it up because I'm afraid that if I bring it up it might ruin what we have. Please help im confused

[Siân]

Hi trippyaff,

Welcome to the boards

Sounds like you've already figured out what you need to do, which is have a conversation with him! I get that it can feel kinda unnerving to bring up this kind of conversation but it's pretty crucial to make sure you're all on the same page and no-one gets hurt by big misunderstandings or differences in expectations. You may even find he's relieved when you open up the conversation, if he's been wondering the same thing.

As for how you bring it up, I think the first thing to do is check in with yourself and see if you have any ideas of what you want it to be - are you looking for something casual? do you want to be boyfriend/girlfriend? what do those things mean to you in terms of boundaries or commitments?

I really like this article for thinking through what kind of relationships you might like:
Supermodel: Creating & Nurturing Your Own Best Relationship Models

The next thing is to start a conversation. Probably best to do this when you have a bit of time and you're not distracted - think going for a walk, or over a cup of tea rather than just as you're heading home or mid-makeout. Just take a deep breath and ask a question! Open questions can give more room for conversation than yes/no ones. Maybe try something like "I wanted to check in with you about this, what are you looking for from our time together?" or "we haven't talked about what we're doing here, maybe it's time to start, what do you think?" or "so I've been having a lot of fun the last few weeks, but wanted to ask where you think it's going?" or whatever feels most natural to you.

This has more ideas of how to have those conversations: Be a Blabbermouth! The Whats, Whys and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner

What do you think? Does any of this help?

[trippyaff]

I think you make a lot of good points, I'm just afraid that if I bring it up he'll want to stop talking to me. I like him and I know he likes me but it just feels awkward to bring it up. We act like a couple and do couple things, but the thing im most afraid of is ruining what we have.

[Heather]

Personally, I think if asking questions like this "ruins" a relationship....well, there probably wasn't anything all that great there to begin with, you know? Especially if the other person literally stopped talking to you after that. Only a pretty extreme jerk would do that, and I can't imagine you want to be with an extreme jerk.

For sure, I get that sometimes people can get a bit scared off if it feels like something is happening too fast for them. But I also think that questions like, "I really like how things have been with us, but I'm also feeling a little confused about what, exactly, we are right now, and where this might be going. What do you think?" aren't that big scary stuff. Instead, they're pretty par for the course for people who begin a sexual relationship after a few weeks -- if not even just days! -- after doing that.

[trippyaff]

You’re right for sure, I’ll definitely bring it up to him. Thank you for the help!

[Heather]

Good luck!