Sexual intimacy

[Animallover95]

Hi I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4 years now and I thought at first it’s because I was very inexperienced and also I was threatened to be raped by my previous boyfriend because I refused to have sex with him. So I don’t know if because of that I have trouble getting aroused with my boyfriend but I can alone but only with my clit as I feel no pleasure at all inside. I love him and he’s amazing to me but why don’t I get turned on with him?

[Mo]

Hi there Animallover, welcome to Scarleteen.
If I'm understanding you correctly, it sounds like you do enjoy (at least sometimes) sex that involves clitoral stimulation, but don't enjoy or don't feel much during intercourse or other activities that involve something inside your vagina; do I have that right?
While there are some things you may be able to try that could make intercourse feel better, not everyone enjoys how it feels; not being wild about intercourse doesn't mean there's something wrong with you, or that you don't care about or feel attracted to your partner.

Can you talk a little bit about how sex in general is working for you both right now? Do you feel like you're able to communicate about what you enjoy and focus on sexual activities you're both aroused by?

[Animallover95]

I feel like I can’t talk to him about it as he’s a few years older than me and had a lot more experience, I feel quite embarrassed about it all to be honest. I feel I connect more in an emotional way when we’re having sex which is more important to me than physical pleasure but I feel like I’m lying to him about it being pleasureable. At first I thought because it was all very new and I was still going through puberty but I’ve never had an urge for sex and now I’m 24 I’m quite worried because it’s not hit me yet.

[Animallover95]

and To be perfectly honest I thought fantasies were a myth, I mean it’s only recently I’ve been looking at women’s fantasies for advice but the thought of them just made me feel sick and angry if anything. I just don’t understand it

[Siân]

Hi Animallover,

Can I ask what motivates you to have sex if you're not finding it pleasurable or feeling aroused? What do you get from it?

Overall in your relationship, how are you guys at talking about sensitive subjects? How much do you feel like you're making decisions together and how much are you following his opinions or wants e.g. because he's older/more experienced?

[Animallover95]

I do it more for his benefit more than my own because I think he is normal and like most guys they can’t go more than a few days without it, but we both have different jobs and body clocks so he comes home around midnight and I’m mostly asleep because I’m up at 6 everyday, so I feel like I have to have sex with him even though I’m exhausted but because I don’t want him to get bored of me. And I think because of this also we don’t get to talk much about our relationship, we’ve spoke about what we want, like we want our own place and get married. But when ever I feel low or upset I feel like I can’t show it to him because he told me he feels awkward when I cry. And if I’m stressed he says it makes him feel stressed so I feel like I have to hide my feelings to keep him from feeling down too. But he does treat me like a princess he always telling me he loves me and takes me out, watch a film and cuddle. But I can’t help feel used when it comes to sex, but I don’t want to upset him because I know it’s my problems and insecurities. He doesn’t talk about his problems either or what he likes in bed. I dressed up for him once and he said he didn’t like it that he prefers me the way I am naked, which I thought was really sweet but apart from that we don’t really talk. We very rarely have a day off together either and because we still live with our parents I think it’s hard when is best to talk alone.

[Alice O]

Hi Animallover,

Hope it's okay that I'm jumping in. There is a lot that you shared that I want to respond to. I am going to number things to make it easier to follow/respond to. But no pressure to reply to all of it! You can reply to whatever feels most important to talk about right now.

1. It makes a lot of sense to me that you are not feeling aroused with your boyfriend! For a lot of reasons. You said you are having sex more for him than for you. Given that you said you have not had the urge to be sexual, it sounds like you are having sex almost entirely for him. You specifically said you feel like if you don't have sex with him he might get bored of you. Pressuring yourself to be sexual when you don't want to be is very much not a recipe for arousal, especially when the stakes feel high, like worrying the relationship might end if you don't do it. And it also makes a lot of sense that continuing to have sex when you aren't not wanting to and are feeling exhausted (it sounds like you are woken up from your night's sleep when he gets home?) would lead to the resentment you described! As you hear someone else describe the situation back to you, does it make sense to you as well why you aren't feeling aroused?

2. I want to ask, has he said or implied that if you don't have sex with him he is going to get bored of you? You also said he is like most guys in that he "can't" go more than a few days without sex. Has he said this to you? I'm hearing a lot of you pressuring yourself to have sex with him, but I'm wondering if also he is pressuring you?

3. A sound move for you, at least for the near future, is to pause all sexual activity. Don't worry--he will be fine. Myth-busting time: people's sex drives are not dictated by their gender or body. Men can go just as long without sex as women or genderqueer people. While someone might experience slight discomfort when feeling aroused and not releasing those sexual feelings, there is no medical issue. But if he is feeling the need for sexual release--he is also always welcome to take some private time and masturbate. You said that what you get from sex is primarily emotional connection, so maybe for now you could think about what other activities might make you feel emotionally connected to him? And think about what else he is getting from a relationship with you than just sex? Remember: you don't owe him anything! How does all this sound?

4. I know you've had some worries about the role of age--but I want to remind you that getting older does not mean you need to want to have sex (people's sex drives can vary their entire life). One thing that does sometimes, though not always, come with age, is being able to better reflect on oneself, communicate one's feelings and needs, and support others. It sounds like your boyfriend is doing pretty terribly at this. Showing your boyfriend how you are reflecting, listening to yourself, and communicating what you need is a sign of maturity. Do you feel up for that?

5. There are lots of other things we can talk about. Like looking more broadly at this relationship and what you feel you are getting from it. And looking more broadly at your sexuality, and your feelings about not being interested in sex, and learning more about others who feel the same way. But for now I wanted to focus on the immediacy of your current sexual relationship with your current boyfriend. Looking forward to talking more!

[Animallover95]

Hi Alice you’re more than welcome to jump in and help, and thank you for doing that.

I’ve had bad experiences with previous boyfriends especially with sex. I didn’t do anything with them apart from my first time which was a one night stand (not intended) and I didn’t hear anything for days and then he got back with his ex girlfriend so I didn’t feel great as you can imagine. So I guess I’ve always had insecurities about men disappearing from me. So I’m gonna try and answer you questions but that might have made sense why I feel this way but I want to chill out and enjoy sex with him.

1 and 2
I can’t remember how we got on to the subject but he said that he couldn’t go longer than 3/4 days without sex which I was fine with but when I said that I wouldn’t be bothered about having sex ever again due to past experiences, (this was when we first got together before anything happened so I guess things may have changed for him since then) but he said he couldn’t be with someone that didn’t have sex with him so I’ve got on my mind constantly so I feel I’ve got to commit to his needs. I don’t want to sound like he rapes me because I allow him to touch me but most of the time I just can’t wait for it to be over so (it sounds bad) but I fake most of it so that he finishes quicker. And like I’ve said previously I enjoy satisfying him and I enjoy the fact that he wants to have sex with me.

3 I’ve never said no to him and after 4 years I don’t want to suddenly start saying no because I’m afraid he’ll ask why. Unless I do more stuff with my hands and oral instead of going all the way, what do you think he’ll think to this?

4 yeah he pretty sucks at this I almost have to dig things out of him when I know he’s stressed or upset about anything. But I’ve heard a lot of guys are like that. I’ve even said to him that he doesn’t need to hide his feelings from me that he can cry all night on my shoulder and is still be there holding him. But he just said thanks so I guess that didn’t get through to him either, he doesn’t like me getting dressed up unless he lied and didn’t want to upset me because I look very innocent looking and it probably didn’t suit me, I don’t know.

Last night when he came home instead of feeling ‘something’ when he spoons me he actually cuddles me and and kissed my shoulder. He’s never done this before and I honestly nearly cried haha. I couldn’t sleep so he put a film on and we cuddled. I felt more pleasure being with him right at that moment than ever! I’m I really soppy and love the ‘movie’ romance or am I just not grown up yet?

[Sam W]

Hi Animallover,

There's a lot to talk about here, so I'm going to try and break it down the same way you did.

1 and 2: So, while he may want sex every few days, that's not the same as being unable to go any longer than that without it. Like, he's not going to get sick or turn blue if you and he don't have sex for a week or longer, you know? Too, it seems like he's making his sexual desires your responsibility, rather than owning them as his own. For instance, as Alice mentioned, if he came home really wanting sex and you were tired, asleep, not interested, etc, masturbation is always an option. In fact, it's not realistic of him to assume that a partners will always want sex at the same time. People's interest in sex varies from day to day and week to week, meaning that often there will be times when desires just don't line up. And that's okay! No one is obligated to have sex just because their partner wants to. You mention you feel like you need to meet his needs. Do you feel like he puts the same amount of energy into meeting yours, sexual or otherwise?

3: I hear you when you say you're afraid to say no. Trying to majorly shift the sexual dynamic of a multi-year relationship can be intimidating enough on it's own, let alone when your partner seems to hint that not wanting sex may mean he leaves you. But the thing is, honesty is one of the most important components of a long-term relationship, something it sounds like you want with this person. And if you can't be honest about something as basic as when you do and don't want sex, or are enjoying sex, then that's a sign the relationship isn't as healthy as it needs to be. Too, the current dynamic isn't fair to you, and I think it's worth asking yourself how long you feel like you can live with a sexual dynamic that isn't pleasurable for you. Its not a sign of immaturity to prefer kisses and cuddles to sex, and if that's what you want instead you get to set that boundary. So this conversation needs to happen sooner rather than later, and we're more than happy to help you figure out how to have it. How does that sound?

4: While it's true that many guys grow up not being allowed to show emotions, plenty of guys learn how to do do as they age. If they don't it's usually because they are putting the bulk of the emotional work onto their partner. So, while we can certainly give you tools to help you communicate, at a certain point if he's unwilling to have those conversations, that's another sign he's not a good partner for you in the long run. Does that make sense?

[Animallover95]

Hi Sam thank you for your time, it makes sense when someone else explains it to you. I guess I felt like I was too pathetic and just wished I got on with it. But to hear that it’s understanble how I’m feeling and to try and help, makes me feel really optimistic and relieved if anything. I would love to have more serious talks with him but he changes subject so quickly it’s like I hit a nerve almost and I don’t know why that is if he’s just really sensitive to serious talk. But with your help and advice I will try and help our relationship. Thank you all so much

[Sam W]

You're very welcome, and I hope those talks go well! One thing that you might find helpful is to write out what you want to talk about ahead of time, as well as what your plan is if he keeps changing the subject or refuses to have the conversation with you. That can help you feel more prepared.

Too, I'd suggest having most of those talks when sex is not even an option, so there's no added pressure, but also be prepared to reiterate that no if he tries to push you to have sex when you're not interested. Do you feel like you feel prepared to hold that boundary if he pushes?

[Animallover95]

Yes thank you I’ll start planning what to say and I don’t think he’d push if I said no at least that’s what I hope but he is a good person I just don’t think he sees it from my point of view and I guess that’s my own fault for not speaking up. But hopefully that’ll change soon I’ll keep you updated. Thanks so much

[Heather]

You know, I'd not put all of this on you.

Honestly, a solid partner should be making efforts to be sure that their partner is only doing sexual things THEY also really want, and they also really like. They should be asking a lot of questions about what you want and what you enjoy. If they have a partner who literally never says no, they should be concerned about that, not take advantage of it because they get what they want all the time by not questioning that. It sounds like in a lot of ways, your partner has really shut down you feeling about to tell him things he doesn't want to hear or might not like, and that's not on you. That's on him. It's not surprising you haven't felt able to speak up in this kind of dynamic.

So, it sounds to me like there's a bigger talk in all of this to be had which has to do with talking about that dynamic in the relationship, whether it's about sex or it's about things like you feeling blue. I think you need to talk together about this, let him know that's got to change, and then see if he's both really hearing you there and if he's willing to work no that, you know?

I think you also should share with him that you feel so worried about saying no to him. Someone who loves you isn't going to want that to be the case, will want to know if it is, and will want to do what they can to fix it with you so that can change.

[Alice O]

Hey Animallover,

I wanted to check-in to ask if you have talked with your boyfriend yet, and if so, what came up in that conversation? And how are you feeling now?

Thinking of you!

[Animallover95]

Hi Alice yes our sex life has been great actually we’re taking our time and enjoying role play more and he’s taking time to ask what I like and we’re trying out new stuff, so everything is great on that level however I’m still struggling to let go of my past experiences which I’ve now put it down to why we struggled in the first place but I’m getting great advice and help from your colleagues on here! You’re all doing an amazing job! Thank you all so much and thank you personally for asking how I am after a few weeks, you are so caring xx

[Alice O]

Gotcha! And when you have not been wanting to have sex, have you felt comfortable voicing that and has that been listened to? As you're probably aware, there will be (many!) times in any relationship when only one person is wanting to be sexual.

And how's it been going with emotional communication? Has anything changed in terms of your boyfriend's ability to listen and support you when you are feeling upset, or are wanting to talk through parts of the relationship?

[Alice O]

Hey Animallover,

I had actually missed your other thread, which I just caught up on. You shared that your boyfriend has explicitly said "he wouldn't be with you if it wasn't for sex." Which is not okay to say to anyone, and does a lot to pressure anyone into having sex. On top of that, given that sex for you is just "one out of ten" important things in a relationship (same for most people!), it seem like you two are wanting really different things. In addition you said he says hurtful things to you, like that he wouldn't be with you if you didn't do X or look like Y. You defended him by saying "he doesn't think before he speaks" but, even if he apologizes later, it sounds to be like he is thinking first. He is choosing to say something hurtful to you--we are always in control of what we say to another person. And you mentioned that he still isn't willing to communicate with you, and will change the subject when you try to have more difficult conversations with him. That is never a good sign. We want to engage with the subjects that are important to the people we care about! If someone we care about is not feeling good about something, we want to listen and see what we can do! Given that he is thirty and you two have been together for four years, this is really not ok.

Sorry to be so frank but I'm just like....it really sounds like this relationship isn't working in a lot of ways Animallover. And it sounds like the ways it which it isn't working have a lot to do with your boyfriend, and him not being caring, communicative, and kind in the ways we would want/expect from anyone's partner. I know Heather has said something similar. How does it feel hearing this? I can imagine feeling angry, or sad, or disappointed! I can also imagine feeling in denial or defensive of your boyfriend.

Maybe you could read through your posts as if they weren't you writing them, but it was a friend of yours. My guess is that might help you see things a bit more clearly--I'm sure you wouldn't want a friend to be with a partner who was, whether on purpose or not, making them feel like they had to have sex they didn't want to have, was hurting their feelings with mean statements, and was not willing to communicate with them. Right? Let me know what you're thinking...