Terrified of catching feelings for a FWB.

[biandcurious]

Hi. Long time user of scarletteen's resources, but this is the first time I'm using these forums. I need some advice.

As of literally last week, I've found myself in my first casual sexual relationship ever with a friend I made about a month ago, and I'm both excited and terrified. I've been attracted to them INSANELY since day one, and so have they apparently. They have a girlfriend that they've been with for almost a decade, and it's an open relationship. She knows that we're fooling around, and is fine with it.

After a terrible hookup about two years ago, I didn't think that I could handle casual sexual encounters outside of a romantic partnership. I thought the only way someone would care about my wants and needs AND have sex with me would be by dating me. But I think I'm being proven wrong; this friend is definitely the most attentive and caring lover that I've had to date. This bond that we're starting to share feels a lot more tender and intimate than I thought something casual would be, and feels a lot like the kind of relationship dynamic I've wanted for a long time. It makes me wonder if the relationships I've had in the past haven't felt right because I was barking up the wrong tree, and/or if this friend is just an amazing fit for me. I can't quite tell yet.

Here's where the anxiety comes in; I'm having a lot of emotions about this relationship (is it weird to call it that?), and while my instincts tell me that they're healthy, fine, and normal to have, I have a huge fear that I'm lying to myself and am catching romantic feelings for this friend. It's not surprising that I'm feeling a lot right now, seeing as I haven't had sex that's felt quite this amazing like, ever, and have never felt this kind of intimacy with someone that I'm not dating. So feeling all of these things with this friend that remind me of being in a romantic relationship while not actually dating them feels foreign.

Also, their previous FWB ended badly, with the other person catching feelings and the friendship ending in heartbreak, so they're nervous about that happening again. Totally understandable. They check in with me often on that, and we talk openly with each other about our arrangement. I do my best to always check in about boundaries and talk out anything that either of us are concerned about.

Overall, the communication, intimacy, friendship, and sex that I'm having with this friend has been wonderful and I don't want to mess this up. Part of me thinks that I'll calm down about this eventually; I'm just so worked up because it's all still super new and unfamiliar. But I would love to hear what y'all have to say. Does this sound healthy? Does catching feelings seem inevitable? How do I navigate these feelings and this kind of relationship as a first timer?

[Sam W]

Hi biandcurious, welcome to the boards!

I'm glad to hear that this relationship has overall been a really positive experience for you, and that you're discovering elements that feel like they were missing in previous relationships.

It sounds like you're taking a lot of sound steps already to maintain boundaries that work for both of you. I think you're right that some of the feelings are more to do with the newness of this part of the relationship, because that newness and excitement is going to amplify any positive feelings you're experiencing, making them feel really intense. That being said, there's never going to be a way to fully separate a sexual experience from feelings (for you or for anyone). Sex involves some kind of emotional reaction or connection to a partner, although what kind of reaction will the depend on the individuals involved. Given that this is someone you were already friends with, there's an even greater chance that you'll feel positive emotions towards them because you already liked them before you became sexual together.

So, you're right that feeling something for a sexual partner is totally normal. But, it sounds like you're worried that these feelings indicate you might not be able to hold the boundaries of the relationship. Can I ask how you and your partner are defining "catching feelings?" What, for either of you, would be the tipping point between "totally fine affection/friendliness/connection between friends with benefits" to "too much romantic feeling?"

[biandcurious]

Hi Sam! First off, thank you for the validation! I really appreciate it. Knowing that others are seeing my situation in a similar, but significantly more objective perspective is very helpful.

As for how "catching feelings" is being defined, it's a bit of a grey area for me so far! From what we've talked about, I would say the tipping point would involve wanting to make our arrangement more romantic and monogamous. Like, if I were to seriously hope/suggest that they leave their girlfriend for me or something. I think a decent example of this is that at one point during our last hook up, I used some semi-possessive dirty talk. I called them "all mine" I think, and while they were into it in the moment, they wanted to know afterwards if I meant it emotionally. In all honesty, while we were both into it sexually, it felt weird to say that in bed knowing they had a girlfriend so I'm glad they brought it up.

They also understand that I have a lot of love for my friends and that I am prone to telling my friends I love them, and they seem fine with that as well. We also cuddle, kiss, and hold hands when we're together, so sensual touch and other displays of affection seem to be alright for the most part.

It's a bit of a culture shock, honestly. I didn't think that casual sex could also be sensual. I think sensuality is what I commonly associate with romance, so having these hookups that are as sensually intimate as they are sexual without being romantic is something I have to sort of grapple with.

[Sam W]

You're welcome!

It sounds like you're developing a decent sense of what kinds of feelings or actions might be too much for your friend and for you, which is great. I'd encourage you to keep fleshing that understanding out so that it's less and less of a gray area and checking in with each other (of course, there's always going to be a bit of trial and error or moments of "oh crud, I thought this was fine but it's not") so that both of you are as comfortable as possible in the relationship.

Feelings of closeness of intimacy can often take people who are new to more casual relationships by surprise, because there's such a prevalent cultural story about how casual sex has no emotional piece. Since you've been around the site for awhile, you may have read this piece before, but taking another look at it might be helpful right now in case it addresses some of the things you're feeling: Casual...Cool? Making Choices About Casual Sex . Do some of the things in there match with some of the stuff you're grappling with?

[biandcurious]

Thank you! I have read that article, but it was a while ago so the refresher was nice. It does cover a lot of my concerns; I think a lot of my emotions are coming from the common myths and stereotypes about casual sex. After having this false overall narrative of causal sex (one where it is never intimate and feelings don't exist) ingrained in me for as long as I have, facing a totally different reality is overwhelming and confusing.

It helps to know that I'm going to have feelings invested in this person no matter what since I like them and see them as more than a sexual object, and that it's okay. I'm still nervous, but I know my friend is too, and at least it feels like we're on the same page.

I just don't want to misinterpret my own feelings. After always thinking that caring about someone, wanting to spend time with them, and also wanting to have sex with them automatically meant that I wanted to date them, being presented with a situation where I feel all those things but don't feel like I need to date them to be content is terrifying, like I'm lying to myself. Like, since monogamous dating is familiar to me and I like this person a lot, I'm sure I would be willing to date them if they asked and it felt right, but I honestly currently don't think I need to have that kind of relationship with them to be happy. I think that's a good sign?

[Mo]

That sounds like a good sign to me!
When you're used to one kind of relationship model, it can definitely take some time to mentally adjust to another one. I think that keeping in mind how you're feeling about the current situation and making sure to check in with your partner if things seem like they're changing for you, is a good idea moving forward, but if things feel good for now, that's great!

[biandcurious]

Thank you both! It's been going great so far. I actually just recently met their girlfriend and it was a lot less weird than I thought it would be. As I continue to know this friend more as a person, I find myself caring for them more deeply, but I still don't feel like I need to date them to be happy. Which feels nice.

[Sam W]

You're welcome! I'm glad to hear that the meeting went better than you were expecting and that you're finding a balance in your feelings for your partner that feels right to you.