Homophobic?

[Teenboy82718]

I have a question about my sexuality. So in real life I barely have crushes.. when I do it’s a girl though. But I love gay sex. When I’m horny everything about gay sex turns me on. Including penetration. But if not I really don’t. But I can’t tell if It is because I don’t want to be gay. And I can objectively say that I don’t wanna be gay. I think it’s because that everyone has accused me of being gay my whole life and I kinda wanna prove them wrong. And as an actor, if you look gay on stage then you have limited your flexibility as an actor like crazy. An actor who can play both straight and gay is just more marketable. And it isn’t like my family or friends don’t like gays or anything. I mean they are all theatre people.... they have no problem with it. And have told me this out right.

But I think I am skmewhat perilous of being gay. Because I just don’t want to. Like I want children. The only reason I tried anal is because of the accusation that I was gay, so I tried it and liked it and now I’m confused. So I don’t know if it is my brain just shutting down any feelings I could have toward men before it happens or if the truth of the matter is that I just don’t like men! I’m confused...

[Mo]

Ultimately, you're going to be the only person who can say what your sexuality is. It sounds like you have a lot of feelings of sexual arousal for men, but regardless of what that means for your sexuality you have a lot of worries about being gay. In a society where there sadly is a lot of homophobia, I understand why it might sound scary or unpleasant to be gay! Being around a lot of homophobia can make those thoughts and messages easy to internalize, and I think it's important to remember that being gay doesn't mean someone can't have children in the future, or that they have to look or act any certain way.

I won't pretend that there aren't difficulties or dangers that gay people face, even now as attitudes are changing in a lot of areas, but what most gay (or bisexual, or some other flavor of not-straight) people report is that they're happiest when they are able to love and accept their sexuality, even if that does come with some complicating factors. Trying to ignore those feelings, or deliberately deciding to hide them, often creates a lot of ongoing stress and unhappiness. I can't say whether you're gay or not, but if you do eventually feel that you are, I hope it's something you can find a way to accept.

For now, though, it's ok to be confused; a lot of people take some time to figure out what all their sexual thoughts and feelings mean in terms of their sexual orientation. Maybe just spend a while noticing the feelings of attraction you have (whether that's related to sex, or dating, or whatever!) without trying to make them mean something; just observe what's going on. On the aspect of not having crushes or romantic feelings for men, I have anecdotally heard from a lot of people that they didn't realize they had same-sex romantic feelings for a long time, and that they noticed feelings of sexual attraction much earlier. Some friends I've talked to about this thought it was because they hadn't grown up with any models of same-sex relationships or romance, but I'm sure there are other reasons people experience this as well. Again, I'm not trying to tell you what you're experiencing or feeling right now, but I did want to mention that since it's something I've heard from others.

[Teenboy82718]

That is actually so interesting. I was raised by mostly all women. My dad wasn’t in the picture as much earlier on. And back then I used to be super girly. Like I would get girl mc Donald’s toys, loved my little pony and littlest pet shop. I mean I also like boy things like bakugan and stuff but I was super girly.

I also am very feminine when I masturbate. Like I find that doing things that women do turn me on. One big one that I’ve caught is that Spreading my legs while jacking off turn me on a lot. But that is something that women do... This also mkes me think like how can have a girl friend and still have all of these kinks...

But the whole “feminine in bed thing” also confuses me even more because I don’t know what else that could mean. Like is it just a weird kink or something else that I’m not accepting?...

I mean, I told myself that when I go to college and I am away from people that know me, i’d Experiment but I feel like I’m not sure enough in what I think is true to even do that... ? I don’t even know if I am making sense..

How would I notice my feelings without tying it to anything? Like can you give me something more specific or an example?

[Mo]

I think it's good to remember that not all women enjoy being sexual in the way you describe - there are stereotypes that all women do or should act a certain way during sex, but of course many women don't fit those stereotypes at all. You might enjoy feeling feminine or like you're being sexual "like a woman" and that's a totally ok way to feel, but it is important to remember that there's no one way women (or men, or anyone else) have or enjoy sex.
There are certainly men who enjoy sex like you describe and have girlfriends! How you act during sex doesn't have to impact who you want to have sex with.

In terms of noticing feelings, what I'm thinking is that you could just identify the feeling you're having, like "I'm feeling sexually attracted to this person" or "I want to act this certain way during sex" but not try to figure out if those "mean" anything. Take your example above of how you like to masturbate, and the fact that it feels feminine or like the way women masturbate to you. I don't think you necessarily need to know why you like it, or what it might mean for your sexuality as a whole; you know you like to do it, so it's fine to continue to masturbate that way.
What I'm suggesting is that you set that bigger question of "meaning" aside for now. Sometimes just figuring out what we're feeling is tough enough! With time I think it often becomes clearer what confusing feelings might mean in terms of identity or concrete desires, but I think really trying to force that understanding often causes more stress and confusion than anything else.

We have a couple articles about questioning your sexual orientation that might be helpful in explaining why I think it's ok to just say you're questioning or unsure for now: Q is for Questioning
The Answers (For Now)

[Teenboy82718]

Thanks a lot this information is so helpful But man it just so sucks :/

Like if people ask I can’t say I’m unsure because I feel like I have to work so hard to just apear straight. Like I don’t over due it or anything but I just try not to act flamboyant which can happen because almost all of my friends are women... so people initially see me as gay. Especially gay guys.

And sometimes I treat gay guys weird especially when they are hinting sexual things constantly.. how else am I supposed to act? My friends are like why are you so mean or dry toward him and that brings back the homophobic thing. But I don’t have the whole “looking straight” thing to fall back on so it’s harder because It’s easier to look gay. So if I publically say I’m unsure people will just be like “oh he’s gay” and it’s not like THEY have a problem with it but it will be such a big deal I feel like.

[Mo]

Do you have a sense of what feels like a big deal to you about people assuming you're gay based on your behavior? (It sounds like many people around you don't see being gay as a negative thing, so I'm assuming the issue isn't that they'd treat you poorly, but of course I understand if that's the case.) I'm not saying it can't be a big deal, or that you're wrong to feel that way, but I do think that putting a lot of effort into trying to be seen as straight has the potential of causing you stress and possibly even making authentic self-expression harder in the future.

If people ask you if you're gay, it is ok to say "no," or "I don't know," or "I'm not sure yet." If guys are making sexual conversation with you that makes you uncomfortable or feels unwelcome, it's ok to ask them to back off politely. It's not rude to say "sorry, I'm not interested" or "I don't want to talk about sex with you" or something similar.
There isn't going to be a way to totally control how other people read your sexuality based on your behavior, partially because what people interpret as "acting gay" is pretty stereotype-driven and might change based on their own beliefs and background. Because of that I think that focusing too much on how other people see you might be a distraction from getting a better sense of who you really are, if that makes sense.

[redbonebino]

Hello!

So first off I'd like to say it's normal to want to be feminine during masturbation or sex. A lot of men feel that way, too! I'm female and enjoy being dominate and taking on the "male role", so to say, during sexual actives.
Don't be embarrassed about what you enjoy! If you are open with your (future)partner about what each other are into, sex while be much more pleasurable.

And I don't think its homophobic to feel weird around gay guys. You might have fragile masculinity, preventing you from being open about things that will make you look "girly". A lot of men struggle with this because it feels like the world looks down on men if they aren't into cars, or like pink, or aren't athletic. And they don't want the judgment or shame that might go along with that.

This probably sounds cheesy, but nothing is wrong with the way you think or feel. Being as honest and open with yourself is the best thing you can do when you are young.

I'm not sure if I helped any, or if I was just rambling on. Good luck and I wish you the best!