Sleep rape

[Sara1234]

Hi,
I am a 24 year old female.A month back, dozed off with my boyfriend in the living room. His roommates(three guys) were pretty drunk and were sleeping in their bedrooms. I am a heavy sleeper. I don't know why but I have a fear that one of his roommates would have raped me in my sleep. I don't have any logical explanation for that thought. But still is it possible for a girl to sleep through sex and not know it if they were raped? My boyfriend and I were not drunk. But we're heavy sleepers. I can't take this fear out of my head and it's killing me for a long time. Is it possible ?

[Heather]

Certainly, this is possible, but it's very unlikely. If you didn't wake up the next day experiencing any kind of emotional distress -- after all, our brains are active when we're asleep, so having zero awareness of trauma during sleep, or impact from it, is not at all likely -- or feeling or seeing any kind of physical impact, like genital soreness, dryness or bruises, I'd say this is not likely a thing that happened.

That said, I do think it's worth trying to get a sense of where these thoughts and feelings might be coming from. Thoughts like this without a realistic basis can, for instance, happen due to certain kinds of mental illness, like OCD or schizophrenia. You might want to consider a mental healthcare evaluation if they persist.

You might also keep having these concerns because you just don't feel safe around your boyfriend's roommates, or in a house that's so male-dominated. Have you ever thought or talked about that with him or any of them? If not, and that's what this feels like, how about going ahead and talking about it? It's okay to have concerns about your safety, and it's okay to ask people you live with, at the very least, to hear your concerns and speak to them.

[Sara1234]

There were no signs of physical impact. But I had emotional distress and the doubt that it would have happened. Because I was already feeling unsafe there and I am a heavy sleeper and also by reading on the internet that there is a possibility of someone sleeping through sex. Should I be concerned or is it just my imagination?

P.S. Talking to my boyfriend didn't help because he thinks that I am making a mountain out of a mole and overreacting.

[Mo]

As Heather said above, while we can't say it's impossible that this happened, it's unlikely that it would without some sort of physical signs after the fact. I wish we could give you a more specific answer!
What I think is important to address, though, is that you say you weren't feeling safe in your boyfriend's place to begin with. Do you have a sense of why that is? Were you already feeling uncomfortable or unsafe around his roommates? If you'd had any negative experiences with them before, or just got an uncomfortable vibe from them, I can see how this would be more of a worry for you. Whether you were assaulted or not, it seems like there's something about the situation in that house that's causing you a lot of distress, and that's important to address.

I'm sorry to hear that your boyfriend isn't being supportive, here. Even if he doesn't think it's possible that his roommates could have assaulted you, it's important for him to acknowledge that this situation is causing you distress - and if his roommates have done things that have make you feel upset or unsafe in the past, it is really important that he take that seriously.
How does he respond if and when you have other concerns or problems you need to talk with him about? Is he generally understanding and willing to talk, and this feels like it's out of character for him? Or does he often say you're overreacting to things?

[Sara1234]

I just got an uncomfortable vibe. I don't have any logical reason to suspect. I have never had sex before so my thoughts are hyper around it....My boyfriend is usually like that because I tend to overthink a lot when it comes to things like safety and health.
I just want to sleep in peace. Should I be concerned or brush this off as just my imagination?

[Sam W]

Hi Sara,

It's okay to not have a logical reason for feeling uncomfortable around certain people. Gut feelings are like that; hard to explain, but hard to ignore. Does your boyfriend tend to ignore feelings like that when you bring them up with him no matter what, or is it more that he listens to you and then tries to point out spots where you may be overthinking and causing yourself unneeded distress?

You mention your thoughts around sex are hyper, and that you think that's because you haven't had sex with someone else before. Can you tell me more about what that hyper-ness looks like?

If you find yourself overthinking about certain types of things a lot, and in ways that are hard to shake no matter what evidence you look at, then it may be time to check in with a mental healthcare provider to see if there's something deeper behind those emotions. Is that something you're up to exploring?

[Sara1234]

There are no straightforward logical evidences or solution for this issue. That makes me anxious and I go back to thinking of all the possibilities that it might have happened. I know it's rare to sleep through sex, but not impossible. I know it's unlikely that it might have happened if I don't have any physical impact, but it's not completely ignorable. So these buts and negative feelings kind of come back again and again thinking of all the possibilities and convincing myself that it happened. Is there a possibility that it happened because I am having a very strong gut feeling and no other evidence or am I just imagining things? My boyfriend just tells me bluntly there is no need to worry and I am overreacting. But doesn't explore each and every possibility logically. He changes topics and asks me to think positively and focus on other things. But it's not that easy for me.

I got my periods and the pregnancy scare companion has put my pregnancy fears away but to be really sure I am also going to take STD test after 6 months. But until then I am getting very depressed from these thoughts of possibilities of rape. I am never going to sleep in his apartment again.

I am getting hyper because I haven't had sex before so I don't know what it feels like to be molested. I also had an incident happen to me in a crowded subway when I was in my teens where a guy tried to touch between my thighs and I noticed it a bit late due to the crowd and pushed him away. To add to that I am a heavy sleeper and there were times I was woken up by my parents spraying water on me because they tried again and again to wake me up. So with these past experiences and the uncomfortable vibe I am almost convinced that it has happened. I don't know what to do....

[Sam W]

Really, the most specific answer we can give is what Heather already said: that this isn't a likely thing to have happened. So, given that, what do you think is something you could do for yourself in place of reassurance seeking (which, unfortunately, will not be able to provide you with an exact answer) to help lower some of that distress you're feeling? For instance, if you've been fixating on this a lot over the last few days, what if you took some time to focus on something else that was pleasant or engaging?

Even if you've never been sexual before, that wouldn't change the fact that there would likely be some physical impact from an assault that took place while you were asleep. So as much as you can, I suggest putting aside that element of your worries.

It does sound like your thoughts get stuck in loop of worrying about something bad to the point that you become more sure that it's a possibility. Those kinds of mental loops can seriously suck, and they're another thing that might be best addressed with a mental healthcare provider. Would you know how to get connected to that kind of care?

[Sara1234]

Mental loops is exactly what I am having regarding this issue. Am I suffering from any disorder? I can see a mental health care provider.

[Sam W]

We're not able to diagnosis any kind of mental illness, only notice when a user is describing symptoms that might indicate one. So, it sounds like a next step for you would be to get connected to a mental healthcare provider. Do you know what process you have to follow to do that, or are there elements of it you'd like help with?

In the meantime, it could be helpful for you to take a look at this article and pick out some things to try to help you decrease some of the stress you're feeling: Self-Care a La Carte

[Heather]

Sara, while I'm a bit reluctant to do it, because it's ultimately a reassurance, and that's not the best way to manage anxiety (which it very much sounds like is the real culprit here, namely, you've been expressing clear anxiety about your safety at his place, probably about men in general, about abuse, probably including the previous attempted assault you experienced on the subway, and about sex), I do feel very confident at this point saying there's nothing to indicate you were assaulted by his housemates in your sleep.

Just based in everything you have said and have kept adding (including that you have never engaged in sex before, which would make having zero physical impact from assault even more unlikely), it seems very clear to me that you were not assaulted in your sleep, but are instead having anxiety about other things -- probably including related things like not feeling safe sleeping in this group of men due to your past history with attempted assault, as well as possible triggers due to reading whatever you have been reading, which sounds highly likely to scare someone -- that has manifested in you thinking you were assaulted.

I would strongly suggest that you do a few things:
1) Stop reading about rape/assault during sleep. It seems like it's not a good thing for you, and it's certainly not going to give you any answers here. It seems like it has been a source of or a trigger for this anxiety. Let's also let this post be an end to us talking about this as anything remotely possible for you, okay? If I thought it was, even a smidge, I wouldn't say that, but I just honestly don't, and I don't think it's helping you to talk about it as anything but as something that clearly didn't happen, and to instead try to identify and then focus on what IS really going on, okay? (It's also tricky and a little painful as a survivor of assault, to be frank, to talk about what you've said here as maybes because those maybes are just so divorced from the realities of sexual assault for most of us.)
2) Figure out what you need to feel safe when it comes to your boyfriend's place and how or if you sleep there. If you just don't want to sleep there period, don't. If you want to, but need things to feel safe -- like a lock you use for the bedroom door at night, for instance -- ask for them or do them yourself. If he won't be supportive of what you need, then don't sleep there (and maybe reconsider this guy, period -- being so blasé about your feelings and fears like he has been doesn't sound like a very supportive partner to me).
3) Do make an appointment with a mental healthcare provider.