Thinking BDSM positively.

[Joe]

So after some time to think and read up a little, I can say I'm getting better.

I'm don't feel as much shame as I used to, I understand that it's all about consent. I just have a few questions.

1. I know I've sort of mentioned this before but I have to masturbate at least once a day. I can't really stop myself once I'm turned on. It annoys me that I do it everyday and I want the ability to take a little break from it, all my previous attempts have failed.

2. Will I find vanilla sex underwhelming because of my interest in bdsm?

3. I've been told to take it slow when if I want to dabble in bdsm. I'm not really sure if I want to try it or not but if I do how should I go about it?

Sorry for more questions. I just want to understand this so I can get on with my life without always thinking about it.

Thanks in advance

[Heather]

You know, I am personally not a fan of the vanilla/BDSM division. For one, "vanilla" is so vague and unclear as to be virtually meaningless. BDSM also is super-specific and doesn't cover all of what people consider kinky. And then we've got the issue of how very many people they are who mix all of this up so calling the sex they have one or the other just makes no kind of sense. I'm really not a fan of terms that seem to make things LESS clear instead of more clear, you know?

I think with what you're asking, it's more sound to think of it like this: if you like one way of being sexual, does that mean all others will be boring? Probably not, just like we can like to eat one thing and that doesn't mean we experience everything else as crappy. If BDSM play turns out to be some of your favorite ways of being sexual, then for sure, other ways aren't going to be your favorite, and you'll like them less. But a) that doesn't mean you won't like them at all, and b) even if it did? That'd be okay. Everyone gets to be sexual in the ways they like and gets to not be sexual in the ways they aren't into when sex is consensual. It's also okay to be sexual in whatever ways we are so long as we're not hurting ourselves or other people (and by this, I'm not talking about pain-that's-pleasure).

I can't speak for how you go about BDSM play because that's super-specific, and depends on your partners and what they want, what you all are interested in, what feels right, where you all feel at in terms of your ability to negotiate, etc. But if you'd like some books that are literal guides to exploring this kind of play, I can certainly suggest a couple.

In terms of your question about masturbation, are you saying that this literally feels like compulsive behaviour to you? In other words, like even if you don't really want to masturbate, you can't seem to stop your hands (or whatever) from masturbating, even when you think, in your head, "No, I don't want to, let's stop?"

[Joe]

I would love some book suggestions!

For masturbation, anything can set me off may it be a thought, or something on tv. But sometimes just thinking. But once I start I can't stop. It doesn't get in the way of my personal life eg, I'd rather masturbate than go out with my friends. But I do it every day and it sometimes can make me quite tired.

[Heather]

I'm feeling a little confused: I feel like besides feeling tired after, I hear you saying you enjoy your daily masturbation and do not actually want to stop when you're doing it. (I also don't feel like you really answered my question about if you literally cannot stop, even when you don't want to be masturbating.) Do I have that right? If so, what's the problem?

If not, then for sure, let's talk some more about this and what you can do if it is, in fact, compulsive behaviour and not what you want to be doing.

Per books, you might want to consider:
• The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play and the Erotic Edge by Tristan Taormino and Barbara Carrellas
• SM 101: A Realistic Introduction by Jay Wiseman
• The New Bottoming Book and The New Topping Book by Janet W. Hardy

If you want something more specific, I'd have to know more about what, more specifically, you were wanting to explore (eg, rope bondage, etc.).

[Joe]

Sorry for confusing you it's difficult to put into words.

I'm turned on but I don't want to be if that makes any sense. I want to stop sometimes but I can't because the erotic thoughts take over. A lot of the time it is compulsive.

[Heather]

It's okay.

Well, just because we're turned on doesn't mean we have to do something about it. Our thoughts don't compel our hands to move: we (usually, unless we have a compulsivity issue) have to choose to do that. Does it feel like something your hands literally do when you haven't told them to do it, if that makes sense? Or is it more like you are making a choice to masturbate, but you kind of feel like it isn't one because you don't know how to feel turned on or have sexual thoughts without acting on them?

[Joe]

When I have thoughts, I instantly get the temptation. I guess the second one is spot on. I just feel like i have to do it. It's almost like a response I have to do. I'm not sure if it's compulsive or not.

[Heather]

That's more clear. So, compulsivity is something that can really only be determined well with the help of a mental healthcare professional. If you do have concerns about it, and can access that kind of healthcare, that's the way to go.

But -- from someone well-versed in this, but who isn't a mental healthcare provider -- it sounds to me like this probably isn't compulsivity so much as maybe needing to get some practice at not acting on sexual desires or feelings, which is, of course, a good thing to be able to do, especially if and when partners are in the picture.

What I'd suggest is just going ahead and trying, now and then -- after all, it's okay to masturbate! -- NOT masturbating when you have the desire to. Get yourself somewhere outside or in public fast, for example, so you have to do something else, whether that something else is having a run or walk around the block, or just letting time pass until the feelings also pass, which they usually will soon enough. How does that sound?

[Joe]

At this point I'm up for anything. I'll give it two weeks and I'll come and report on my progress. Thanks for the help this site is so helpful.

[Heather]

Sure thing. Glad we can be of help to you.