How do I tell my parents that I'm meeting/dating an online friend?

[tomatopotato]

Over month ago I've accidently met someone genuinly nice on a shitty dating app. We had been texting a lot for a couple of weeks and met for the first time around 3 weeks ago. I didn't told my parents because I was ashamed and afraid they wouldn't allow meeting him out of stereotypical fear of Internet friends. (Even though they've met their online friends with only knowing their names and not even pictures)
Anyway, the guy and I got along very well (we chose a public place in my city and I told my friends in advance) and met once again at his place, without my parents knowing. He did not demand that, I think he thinks my parents know and if I told him I've done it secretly he would feel slightly uncomfortable and... idk, I don't want to lie to him aswell. It would be embarrassing, too. I wouldn't have visited him if I would have had a weird gut feeling about him, he is my age (20) and did not even say anything that could be a red flag. I've told my friends about it and my best friend even picked me up from his place and got to know him as well and had a good impression aswell. The problem is: he lives 2 hours away by train, one by car. I don't want to keep it a secret to my parents since it overcomplicates the situation a lot.
The guy and I are meeting again on the weekend in my city, and I don't know how or if I should tell my parents. If I tell them in advance they will get angry because I lied to them and the might not allow me to meet him since everyone from the Internet just wants to take me as a hostage as we know, but lying and telling them afterwards is quite shitty too since I might like to spend time with him at my house if the weather is too rainy. But spending time at my place is awkward as well because I think it's too early for meeting family members? And I've never had a guy at my place before. Additionally I'm having quite a strict curfew in winter despite me being 17 therefore I'm only allowed staying outside if my parents pick me up or someone drives me home. And I don't think they would like me to spend time in the early evening with some guy they don't know only because we meet online. They are having so much stereotypes and are pretty strict even tough I know they simply are afraid and want to protect me. Nevertheless, I believe they should let me decide whether I want to get to know somebody offline if I'm having a good gut feeling and know how to be safe. It is the first time ever I'm meeting someone who likes to whom I'm kinda attracted to. I don't know anything about dating, or how I should talk about it to my parents.
Additionally, I've had experience with online abuse and I don't know how to react if that comes up in an argument with my parents, especially as an accusation that I would fall for everybody. And if I'd told them about my experience they might use that as an argument to keep me from meeting the guy I like. There's no problem with him. He's just some nerd who likes the same stuff as me and happens to live a bit further away.

My questions: when should I approach my parents? Before the meeting or afterwards? And how should I prepare for it? Which compromises can I make? And are there valid arguments for taking my parent's fear? I want them to trust me, but I'm not having a good start with lying to them out of fear and shame.

[Heather]

Hooray for meeting nice people on crummy dating apps! It really can feel like a miracle when it happens.

It sounds to me like not having your parents know is really stressful for you, and is also starting to get in the way -- both practically and per your feelings -- of what sounds like a good thing. So, while it's certainly your right to keep this private, I vote for telling them just so you don't have to feel like you have to sneak around for no good reason, and so you don't have to feel so stressed about this part of things. I also think you should come clean to this guy for similar reasons.

Before I say anything else, though, I'm confused. You say this guy is 20 and your age, but later you seem to be saying you're 17. Which it is actually makes a pretty big difference, because someone 17 isn't a legal adult where you are, but someone 20 is, and that obviously influences all of this, particularly how you frame this with your parents. Having this discussion as a person who has the full right to all of their choices is different than if you're not. Can you clear that up for me before I say more? Thanks.

[tomatopotato]

Oh, I guess I framed it the wrong way. I'm 17 and he is 20, right, and even though I'm not an legal adult and he is I'm considering him kinda my age due to both being young adults or adult-y in a cultural way? Might make no sense. I'm turning 18 next in 8 months, therefore the situation is a little difficult with my parents. I hope you're cleared up now

[Heather]

No, it makes sense to me. You're certainly close in age, so of course it feels like you are to you, but there's the difference of him being a legal adult and you not. Sometimes that's a minor difference. Other times, not so much. In this case, it's tricky in at least one way -- that you don't actually have the legal right to make certain decisions for yourself or have the freedoms legal adulthood gives you -- and maybe two more:

1) Do you think him being 20 is going to be a secondary issue with your parents, beyond meeting him online?
2) How do you feel like it's likely to go with him if your parents aren't supportive, especially if you're (hopefully) honest with him about the spiel with them?

[tomatopotato]

1) I don't think so. At least my parents haven't ever given me the impression that meeting someone a little older is a problem. Some of my friends they know and like are 20-22.

2) Oh, I don't know aswell. I'm actually quite fearfull that he'll dump me immediately (but that rather stems from me being hella insecure) even though he seems to like me quite a lot? I really do not know. I simply should talk about it if I'm seeing him again in a few days. Nevertheless I don't know how I should approach this situation aswell.

I think a lot could be made easier if my parents just meet him. But one the one hand - I don't want them to know I visited them because that would be a major trust break; but i don't want him to lie for me and I'm pretty ashamed for lying because then I have to admit I'm not as adult-y as I'd like to. On the other hand, having him at my place would be awkward, but I could deal with it.

[Heather]

Okay, so here's what I'm thinking: you tell him the truth first, and then your parents. If that sounds doable to you, I'm happy to talk some more in terms of strategies for both.

[tomatopotato]

Yes, I think the solution is quite good. If it turns out he does not want to deal with the situation (which would suck and be a kinda shitty move but understandable on the other hand) I don't have to talk to my parents.

I'd suggest I simply tell him that my parents do not know about me meeting him since its a) private and b) I don't know how they would have reacted since I have no dating experience at all. And that the relationship to my parents is just.. okay, so if he wants to stay friends/or close/or something he needs to know that my parents might not be happy about it.

I don't really know what I should say tbh. The best solution to my mind would simply be telling my parents I'm having an online friend I've met once who my friends know aswell. And that they can either pick me up after we met or that we meet at my home where they can feel in control of the situation. Despite I'd have to talk to him about not telling my parents that I visited him (and therefore risk him viewing me as less adult-y which I fear since which young adult wants to be with someone who is limited in their choices?).

Do you have any idea how I should pursue the conversation?

[Heather]

Yes, I think the solution is quite good. If it turns out he does not want to deal with the situation (which would suck and be a kinda shitty move but understandable on the other hand) I don't have to talk to my parents.

Strong agree, in all the ways. Though even if that happens, you might want to think about talking to your parents about their (from what I can gather) potentially hypocritical thoughts about online meetups, especially if this is how you're dating right now, just so maybe in the future, you don't find yourself in this kind of jam.

What you're thinking to say to him sounds right-on to me: just honest and to the point. You certainly can also mention that your parents are weird about online relationships for you, period, and if you wanted, can mention your previous experience. But that last bit is obviously a pretty intimate thing to share, so I'm not sure if you feel at that with this guy yet or not. Sounds like not, but if you are, I think that's okay to share, too.

I actually think the strategy you suggested with your parents is also okay, and since it's your idea -- you, who know your parents and how things tend to go with them, which I don't -- it's probably a good one. I think if you told this guy about how they are about online stuff, you could also easily share why this is the kind of strategy you want to employ with them, too.

Do you want to talk to them, or think you will have to, about you choosing to meet him before without telling them? If so, I think that honesty is again the best policy here: you can tell them that you didn't feel able to share because of how closed they seem to be to online relationships or meetups for you, even though they're fine about it for themselves. You can apologize for the dishonesty, but them remind them that this is how so many of us meet so many people right now (which they know, doing it themselves), that you really hope you can find some middle ground together so that you can still pursue this particular meetup and have others in the future in a way where they feel comfortable enough, but also are willing to loosen up some (and maybe just deal with some worry or discomfort, which as parents, they're probably just going to have, no matter what) so you don't have this common modern social avenue of meeting people closed off to you.

How does that sound?

[tomatopotato]

I just told my parents about him and seeing him soon again. They were really supportive. I didn't expect that to happen AT ALL. My mom said, she believes I'm old enough for making my own decisions and that she's happy I've met somebody I like. They know the city he lives in and therefore visiting him might not be that much of a big deal. I haven't told them I visited him but maybe that won't be necessary if I'm getting their allowance in the future. If we decide to meet on.
Nevertheless, I'm looking forward to seeing him. I'm curious about how things will continue with him, but that's another topic. Thank you very much, Heather!

[Heather]

Tomatopotato, that is so fantastic! Oh my goodness! Thanks for sharing that with me! It's always a daymaker to get good news like this.

[Hollytiger]

Hi Tomatopotato,

I've been reading through your thread and I'm glad you came to a resolution. I just wanted to share that very recently - as in a couple months ago - I was in a similar situation. I met someone online, and we ended up meeting in person. This was a totally new thing for me. I was so scared and worried about what my parents would think, since they are very traditional/conservative. It caused me a lot of anguish.

I assumed they would be angry or disappointed, or even be extremely worried about me for meeting someone in that way. I agonized over whether to just tell them or not. I ended up eventually telling my mom who I met and how, since I was feeling guilty about keeping it to myself. She ended up having the total opposite reaction of what I expected. She wasn't mad or concerned at all!

The takeaway is, I built the situation up in my head to be incredibly scary and huge - much bigger than it really turned out to be in reality. Just something to remember; it's easy and almost comforting to build things up in your head. But when the time comes for the dreaded situation to actually happen, there's a chance it won't be as bad as you thought.