Feeling Weird

[OhHeckDatGurl]

Hey,

Just had really good sex with my partner, but quick question:

Is it ok that I got brief glimpses of a fantasy of having sex with someone else...? And should I tell my boyfriend about it?

Thanks

[Sam W]

Hi OhHeckDatGurl,

It's totally fine to have flashes of fantasy during sex. Sometimes people do it on purpose to increase their arousal, other times it's more like your brain is flipping through images brought on by being sexual and happens to flip past one that's a fantasy that doesn't involve your partner. Is there a particular reason you feel like you should mention it to your partner?

[OhHeckDatGurl]

I guess it’s because

1) I know it’s hurt him and I don’t like keeping secrets

2) I’m uncomfortable with the fact that it happened, however briefly, and I’d like to know how to deal if it happens again

3) Something like this hasn’t been an issue before... I know it’s not cheating in any way but it still feels weird

[Heather]

How can what's in your imagination hurt him? And how has it hurt him before?

Honestly, besides the fact that it's super-common for people to fantasize during sex (and it makes sex extra-great for a lot of people), including about other people besides a partner (he probably does it sometimes, too!), it'd be an impossible standard to expect or ask someone to control their thoughts as part of any kind of relationships agreement. Sometimes we can, but often we can't, and again, our thoughts can't hurt anyone. If anyone is asking a partner to police their own thoughts during sex, or not to imagine anything that isn't about them, I'd actually consider that a red flag of either abuse or control or someone just not having a level of self-esteem they need to to be ready for sex with a partner.

So, per you dealing, I'd suggest you try and accept that this happens sometimes -- or even that you or a partner might choose to do it -- and accept that it's totally okay! It would not be a sound thing to have in any agreement about cheating, and by any healthy definition of that, this isn't even kind of cheating. That's about actions. This is just thoughts.

Whether or not you want to share fantasies with partners is your call, but it certainly shouldn't ever be about needing to make some kind of confession. Again, this isn't you doing anything wrong. It's your brain doing what a lot of people's brains do all the time during sex alone or with a partner. It's just your sexual imagination having a stretch, really. Usually when partners share fantasies it's not to admit to doing something bad, but to have that kind of intimacy, and to enjoy what's being shared.

How does all that sit with you?

[OhHeckDatGurl]

Thank you, it actually does make me feel better.

It mostly just took me by surprise. Don’t get me wrong; he’s not super-duper jealous, but he’s dealt—and has only recently begun to overcome—feelings of worthlessness throughout his life. I suppose I was scared of adding to that.

Additionally, one of the biggest things I get out of sex that masturbation doesn’t provide is intimacy, feeling that he’s the closest someone can be with me physically. I guess my thoughts felt almost intrusive to that.

[Heather]

So, sounds like he's not someone who would enjoy you sharing your fantasies about others, so I';d vote for this not being the kind of partner to tell about them, that's all.

It's interesting to me to hear you say you feel like your fantasies are somehow not supportive of intimacy with this person. I don't see it that way, myself, especially since going on flights of fancy in our heads is something we often need to feel safe to do, and developing trust with safety with a partner is all about intimacy. Plus, intimacy still allows for us to be separate people and have boundaries, which includes having some of our thoughts being something we keep to ourselves. I'm sure you've already done that in sex before with him even when you're not fantasizing, like not sharing if something he does momentarily turns you off or if your mind started to wander to if you turned the oven off or not for a second.

Intimacy also isn't something we only have if and when our every thought is about another person and they have our exclusive focus. But for sure, if YOU find that fantasizing feels like it's getting in the way of the way you like to be sexual with him, or be intimate, you certainly do have the option of just bringing your focus back to what's happening in reality in the moment if your mind starts to go somewhere else. That's okay, too!