Need Advice

Questions and discussion about sexual or other abuse or assault, and support and help for survivors.
Forum rules
This area of the boards is expressly for support and help for those who are currently in or have survived abuse or assault. It is also for those seeking information or discussion about abuse or assault. Please make every effort in this space to be supportive and sensitive. Posts in this area may or do describe abuse or assault explicitly.

This area of the boards is also not an area where those who are themselves abusing anyone or who have abused or assaulted someone may post about doing that or seek support. We are not qualified to provide that kind of help, and that also would make a space like this feel profoundly unsafe for those who are being or who have been abused. If you have both been abused and are abusing, we can only discuss harm done to you: we cannot discuss you yourself doing harm to others. If you are someone engaging in abuse who would like help, you can start by seeking out a mental healthcare provider.
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silva0
not a newbie
Posts: 9
Joined: Fri Aug 31, 2018 3:01 pm
Age: 24
Primary language: English
Pronouns: she/her
Sexual identity: Straight
Location: United States

Need Advice

Unread post by silva0 »

Scarleteen,

I was Sexually Assaulted in June 2018 and I have been really working hard to cope and heal. I have made a lot of progress since telling my parents and I have moved away to go to college in order to get away from my abuser. I am no longer afraid of him or his friends, and I actually have started developing a crush on a guy I hang out with at college. I do feel like im ready to start dating again but im afraid if I tell people who I want to be intimate with about what happened to me ill face judgement. How do I satisfy my needs and not make the other party feel weird about being intimate with me? How do I express that there are certain things I do not want to do because it makes me go back into that moment?

-silva
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silva0
not a newbie
Posts: 9
Joined: Fri Aug 31, 2018 3:01 pm
Age: 24
Primary language: English
Pronouns: she/her
Sexual identity: Straight
Location: United States

Re: Need Advice

Unread post by silva0 »

Im an 18 y/o Female, straight, she/her
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Sam W
previous staff/volunteer
Posts: 10320
Joined: Mon Jul 28, 2014 9:06 am
Age: 33
Awesomeness Quotient: I raise carnivorous plants
Primary language: english
Pronouns: she/her
Sexual identity: queer
Location: Coast

Re: Need Advice

Unread post by Sam W »

Hi Silva,

I'm so glad to hear you're making progress in taking care of yourself (in your update in your other thread it sounds like you're taken some really big steps in healing and getting support, which is awesome).

Those concerns you're having are really common for survivors, so if it makes you feel better you're not the first person who's had to figure out how to approach dating or disclosing to a partner, which means there's lots of advice out there about it. If you haven't, searching the boards here may bring up conversations we've had with other users about that topic, and you could also check out these forums for advice: https://pandys.org/forums/

Since it sounds like this is all a little hypothetical right now, it might help to start by thinking in more general terms about what way of disclosing feels the most comfortable to you. For instance, some survivors share only the most basic information early on with a partner, and may decide to open up more later (or not). Others decide not to disclose at all right away, and instead make any boundaries they need a part of the more general discussion with a partner about what is and is not okay during sex (after all, people generally don't demand their partner justify every single boundary they have, and if they do that's often a red flag). Do any of those approaches sound like they'd work for you? Is there another approach you think is a better fit?
And you to whom adversity has dealt the final blow/with smiling bastards lying to you everywhere you go/turn to and put out all your strength of arm and heart and brain/and like the Mary Ellen Carter rise again.
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silva0
not a newbie
Posts: 9
Joined: Fri Aug 31, 2018 3:01 pm
Age: 24
Primary language: English
Pronouns: she/her
Sexual identity: Straight
Location: United States

Re: Need Advice

Unread post by silva0 »

Yeah I feel like setting boundaries is a good way to start and explaining more later on seems like a good way to go, thank you :)
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