how to cope

[phantomdog]

hello!

for some background, i'm a transgender male and my partner is a cisgender gay male. he's a very affirmative and loving partner and my gender identity has never been a big deal at all, so we never really talk about it. we've been together for a couple months now.

however, my gender identity creates problems for myself and how i see myself. i've realized that being with a cis male partner has created relationship dysphoria as i call it, because i feel "not male enough" in contrast to him and it's impacting my own concept of self (which is amplified due to a mental illness i deal with that often likes messing with my perception of self and identity). i'm not questioning - i know i'm a trans male, but the think is i don't feel male in the sense of how i stand against him. i doubt this is something he has even thought of and i know none of this is caused by anything he did, it's just the usual trans stuff i suppose. i was wondering if anyone has any tips in alleviating this dysphoria and helping me feel less ugh. thank you!

[Sam W]

Hi Phantomdog,

I'm sorry to hear dysphoria is popping up in this way for you. When you say you don't feel male enough compared to him, would you say that's coming from a place of comparing the two of you (maybe unintentionally) and noticing things about him that read as male/masculine that you feel like you lack? Or is there also an element of feeling like because you're in a relationship with a guy that somehow makes you less of a man than if you were dating a woman (I know multiple trans folks in my own life who've run up against that idea, even when they know it's nonsense)?

[phantomdog]

hi sam,

it's definitely a mix of both. for your first point, my voice is absolutely a factor in this dysphoria as his is very deep and mine just sounds like a 12 year old boy tbh. the fact that i can't get completely naked with him during sex also makes me dysphoric because i keep my binder on because of dysphoria. it's a huge conglomerate of dysphoria in all honesty; your first point also combines with your second one because when i was seeing another trans man i didn't feel this way (as there was no presence of a penis for me to be contrasted with), so i think it ties into how my biology in contrast to his makes me feel very dysphoric despite knowing sex is not the same as gender.

[Sam W]

Got it, it does sound a bit like you know that some of these feelings are coming from inaccurate social understandings of sex and gender that are still popping up in your mind. That can definitely be frustrating, especially when you're just trying to enjoy being sexual with a partner.

What things do you think would help decrease or counteract that dysphoria for you? For instance, have you found there are things that help when dysphoria crops up in other parts of your life? Would it help to figure out ways to affirm that the parts of you that don't feel "man" enough are, in fact, manly because they are part of you (a man)?

[phantomdog]

as it is, i really think the only option i have for decreasing it would be to start hrt, but that isn't viable due to my mother's attitudes towards trans people, particularly trans people my age. dysphoria in other parts of my life are easier to deal with because i can just cover up my body or bind or pack or other things that make it less constant for me, but i can't really see how i can make this disappear because he can't change his biology for me and i can't change mine.

[Heather]

phantomdog, I'm so sorry you don't have your mother's support, and that you're struggling like this.

Would you like me to look into what, if any, trans healthcare might be available for you in your area with or without your parent's permission? If you're not already getting it, it may be that you at least can get some emotional support from a qualified provider, if not the ability to start a medical transition like it sounds like you'd like to.

[phantomdog]

hi heather,
that would be great and i'd appreciate it a lot, thank you. i'm currently part of a lgbt youth group led by a trans man so i have the emotional support covered. thank you so much

[Mo]

From your profile it looks like you're in Massachusetts; could you tell us what town you're in so we can look for what might be available in your area?

[phantomdog]

i'm in lowell :^)

[Sam W]

Got it! I haven't found anything in your city specifically yet, but here are a few leads you can try. One is to use the find a provider tool from WPATH: https://www.wpath.org/ . Another option is Fenway Health: https://fenwayhealth.org/care/medical/t ... er-health/ . They're based in Boston, so they might no be accessible to you right now, but it may be worth calling and asking if they could refer you to a provider closer to where you live.

[phantomdog]

thank you!!

[Sam W]

You're welcome! Other folks may know of an even more specific resource nearby, but hopefully those will give you some leads.