The Risk of Being Alone

[BuddyBoi21]

Hey everyone,

So recently aside from pondering about sex I've been trying to further look into my sense of emotion and how that emotion reacts to relationships.

It's been about a month since the end of my previous relationship and recently I was getting myself tangled into flirting, flings and a possible sexual partner.

The thing that strikes me the most in all of this excitment is that I am completely repelled the moment I think about asking about a relationship or the mention of a relationship. The very thought of having a girlfriend/partner scares me because I'm scared I'll make the wrong choice, that it would be too soon and that even my close friends and family would immediately shut down my decsion if I were to pursue anyting further than casual sex.

And even then many feel like it's a bad idea for me to even be pursuing casual sex in the first place.

I feel a part of me is afraid of that whole "falling in love"/"crush" business but I'm also jointly afraid of wanting this relationship and this person only wanting sex or just dropping altogether or wantinf other people. I can tell as we've spent more time together I'll use dating apps still but I'll hardly pay attention to any of these other people who have matched with me or decided to start messaging me. I've even had opportunities to meet new people but recognize I've only really wanted time with this specfic person instead. This scares me. I don't want to be specifically interested in this person or enjoy kissing them or touching them. These feelings feel great but I'm afraid they'll only be followed up by some sort of pain that will be lying in wait for me.

On top of this I just don't know how I feel exactly. Like a part of my wants a happy, loving relationship and enjoys romance and will do whatever they can (within reason) to make a commitment work.

On the other hand I fluctuate between missing my ex and wanting them back, just wanting the pain and all other feelings to stop entirely or just simply wanting to forego relationships altogether and just swear to celibacy and getting pets to cope.

There are even parts of me that feel I'm the person who wants a relationship but was simply not built for one. Or even going as far to say that a relationship will somehow hold me back as a person, like they make me (not everyone else, just me as far as I know) weaker and distracted.

Feminine non binary people and women and very pretty and wonderful company but I feel as though I just shouldn't have a relationship and just be their friends for a while. Sometimes I say a while because I never know exactly when or how long but sometimes I believe a loving, long term relationship won't find me until I'm like 30 and dripping in 100% self love and self confidence and other attributes that deem me in good enough shape for a long term, committed relationship.

Sometimes I feel like this could be self sabotage but honestly I just does my best to avoid these behaviors and just try to enjoy myself. If everything goes to sh*t with the person I'm currently engaged with as a potnetial sexual and even romantic partber then it was probably for the better.

Overall I just don't want to act on anything and want to push potential romantic partners away before they get too close to me. I don't want to become too comfortable and get used to them being here and sweet and cuddly and nice because at some point they'll be gone won't they? I don't think anyone actually stays together for a long time before 30 and if they do they're the lucky few, right? Besides does anyone before 25 really want a commitment anyway? It just seems pointless and annoying and I really just don't want to feel anything anymore.

Anyway, I just feel like logically this mindset will push everyone and every potnetial romantic/sexual relationship away from me.
But emtionally I just say "f**k it; I don't want anyone, people can't be trusted and our ideas about romance and love are all complete bullsh*t".

So yep do with that what you will and I hope y'all have a good day/night.

[Alice O]

Hey BuddyBoi,

Wow a lot of different conflicting thoughts happening for you right now!

As I read your post I was struck by how many different thoughts you seem to feel torn between--Maybe you don't want a relationship and just want casual sex but will your family judge you? Maybe you are really interested in this person and do want to be in a relationship with this person but are scared of the inevitable vulnerability that comes with that? Maybe it's too soon to be in a relationship because you are still processing your feelings with your ex? Maybe you should put your focus on friendships and other parts of your life for now?

Ultimately these are things that only you can decide for yourself--but I'm wondering, when you have a lot of conflicting thoughts and feelings you are trying to work through, what normally helps you? Posting here and chatting with us can definitely be a helpful piece of that! But I'm wondering about other strategies as well--for example, do you journal? If not, is that something you'd be interested in trying? Or do you have any other ideas?

As you work through all these thoughts I'd encourage you to try to not make too sweeping statements (like "I'm just not built for a relationship"--everyone is in relationships all the time, and we are all capable of having romantic relationships). I'd also encourage you to add in the phrase "for now" as often as possible. Like, "X is how I feel for now" or "Y is what I'm wanting for now"--knowing that those things can, and likely will, change. Does that make sense?

[BuddyBoi21]

Hi Alice,

One of the things I will say is that yes my family and possibly some of my friends would judge me if I went into a relationship "too soon", especially if it ends in me getting hurt.

I do have a journal but I haven't used it in a while and even more conflicting thoughts like these may come out as swears and curses on paper rather than anything coherent.

I don't really know what else I could do. Lately I've been feeling comfortable just laying in bed and watching internet videos and Netflix as a distraction of some kind instead of focusing on that. It really hasn't been much else besides going out with friends and/or working on local volunteering projects but now my motivation and energy is completely down the drain for the time being. I'm not necessarily sure when it will come back either so I just try to rest.

I know a lot of these feelings aren't necessarily permenant but I do feel like it won't go away for a while and that getting my hopes up will only hurt me in the long run. I guess I feel like cynicism will keep me safe? At least for the time being. Anyway I'll just keep my distance from people of interest for a minute and see how that goes.

[Sam W]

Hi BuddyBoi,

It sounds like one thing that may be worth a try is to think about the reasons why your friend and family would judge you for that (or why you think they would), and then think about whether you agree with those reasons. If you don't, that can be a starting place to push back against those worries about judgement, because you can decide how much weight you want to give the opinion of people you disagree with. Does that make sense?

Since journaling doesn't sound like it's been super helpful, do you think something with more structure might be? For instance, do you think an app or a worksheet might be more your speed? Those tools can sometimes help you really breakdown all the pieces of how you're feeling and figure out how to approach them.

I feel you on that belief that cynicism will keep you safe (it was definitely a mindset I had earlier on in my life). But the thing is, cynicism isn't as protective as it seems. Bad stuff still happens even when you're cynical, even when you think you don't care about the outcome, but because cynicism tends to isolate us from people and keep us from building up the enriching parts of our lives, those bad things end up sucking even harder because you don't have as many positive connections to fall back on (for the record, it sounds like you actually do have quite a few positive connections in your life). It's pretty corny to say, but things like heartbreak or disappointment are the risks that come with building relationships with other people. Having those things happen doesn't necessarily mean you did something wrong, or if you'd been less open and optimistic that things would have gone better. Cynicism has it's place, but so do a lot of other feelings.

[BuddyBoi21]

Hi Sam,

So the good news is I decided to overcome my fear and pursue this casual relationship with this person. I did have sex with them, we both had fun and it was really nice. However it's now the day after and all I can really think about is my ex and how much I miss them.

I feel stupid for not letting myself be more sexually open with my ex because I think that would've been the differance in the two experiences; I was having sex with this person but with my ex it probably would've been "love making" or just very emotionally intimate sex.

I do like this person I'm seeing now and want to continue to see them but I can't help but notice that I still love my ex and would much rather have them here than this other person.

This longing even goes as far as fantasizing about my ex and what sex with them would've been like had we been in a better circumstance. Or even fantasizing about how we could see each other again someday and get back together.
However this makes me nervous because it feels like I only want them (my ex) for sex and that would not only turn them off but also make them completely repulsed by me and never want to be with me ever again.

Is this how I express my intimacy or am I just really gross and only see them as a sexual object?

Is it normal for a person to be very sexually interested in a person they love romantically?

If you need me to start a new thread let me know. Thank you!

[Heather]

I don't want to interrupt your conversation with Sam, but I want to briefly speak to this:

Is it normal for a person to be very sexually interested in a person they love romantically?

Romance has generally always been -- in its history and its most common definition -- something deeply entwined with sex and eroticism. It's only very recently that some people have been defining or talking about romantic love as something necessarily different -- and not connected to -- erotic love. But even with these new approaches, the fact seems to remain that for most people, romantic interest and sexual interest are either one and the same, or are pretty deeply entwined. So yes, it's normal.

[Sam W]

Nope, no need to start a new thread!

I'm glad to hear the casual experience you had was positive overall, and that you feel comfortable being open with this new person.

With your feelings about your ex, it sounds like it's only be about a month since the end of that relationship. Given that it was a pretty important relationship for you, it's not surprising that you find yourself still thinking about your ex or wishing things turned out differently. That's pretty common in the aftermath of a breakup. It's also pretty common to think about the "what ifs" of that ended relationship, and in your case those what ifs seem to be tied in some part to wondering what would have happened in your sex life if things had been different. That doesn't mean you only see your ex, or other partners, as a sexual object. Rather, it sounds like sex was a place where issues in the relationship were noticeable, hence your brain wanting to play the what-if game with that topic. Given all your feelings about your ex, does it seem to you like you're in a place where you can comfortably continue a new relationship? Does keeping the new relationship casual help with those feelings?

[BuddyBoi21]

Hi Heather, thanks for the clarification about my sexual attraction and romantic interest.

Hey Sam!,

I guess what burns me the most about this what-if game is that I still feel those tinges of guilt regarding how the sexual aspect of the relationship was handled and it feels unfixable because my ex partner seems to struggle with sexual trauma but doesn't have the time, resources and (seemingly) the desire to get any help.

Even still I recognize that I miss them and would love to have a second chance but because of that and the fact I seem to connect love with sex and poorly handled their problems with sex that it would never happen. No matter how badly I would love for them to be back with me it just seems like it wouldn't work out because of our previous problems regarding sex and that even if they wanted to I could end up struggling with feeling like I'm not good enough for them and that it may be through pity due to how much pain I'm in.

As for this new person, things staying casual still feels good and fun but the only problem I see is still missing my ex when I'm not in the presence of this new person, similar to how I feel now.

I feel like this isn't exactly a relaionship or at least one that's not very serious at all. I do feel like keeping it casual would help my feelings a lot more than going past that at least for now.

Thank you

[Heather]

Personally, I never stop being amazed at how big a role plain old timing plays in our intimate relationships. It sounds like a big part of the problem with your previous relationship just boils down to you and the other person being in different places when it comes to your own timelines.

It can be hard, I think, to accept that often enough, things don't work out that we feel so strongly about, that we try so, so hard -- even mutually -- to make things work, and that can seem like they are SO right...except for <insert massive barriers to things actually being right here>, which often just boils down to timing. But it does.

[BuddyBoi21]

Heather, I'll be honest about how I feel about this; that sounds awful. To know and accept, whether I like it or not, that any ideal relationship including the one I'm trying to get over could ultimately go to sh!t because of something like timing or anything else out of my control is absolutely f*cking awful.

It's a terribly hard pill to swallow but I can accept this to be true but it still just hurts, it all hurts. Even more so it makes me feel like trying to pursue and approach romantic relationships in the way I did with my ex feels extremely pointless. Even if it brought me love with another person if it can just as easily be taken or just altogether ruined by anything ad everything then it just all feels pointless. I just feel like going out and having fun is all I can really do now because it seems safer or easier. It's nice to find love and be in love but I'm just emotionally exhausted from everything surrounding it (basically the heartache feels like it isn't worth it and even if I feel like I could marry the person it just feels like I'll end up thinking of this and deciding it isn't worth it).

This really hurts and I don't really have much else to add to this.

Thank you for helping me talk through this.

[Heather]

I hear you, this is all really hard. I'm so sorry it's so painful right now. I've been there a few times in my own life, and I'm very familiar with how that can feel, especially that all-encompassing exhaustion and intense world-weariness. In my experience, getting through a breakup that leaves us feeling like that can take way longer than just a few weeks to a month: that's been more in the six-months-to-a-year area (and once even longer than that) for me, if it helps to hear about someone else's timelines in this regard.

I wonder: when you say that this feels pointless because of how things went with your ex, or like that relationship was ruined, is this about feeling like this was a failure because it didn't last? Because it wasn't the kind of relationship you ultimately wanted and worked towards? Does it feel like it didn't offer you things worth your emotional or other kinds of labor and investment, your time, even if it wasn't forever and didn't go how you wanted?

(That sounds oddly snarky to me reading it, but I totally don't mean it that way. I'm just trying to get a sense of what makes the risk of hurt we all always take in intimate relationships, and also often will experience at least some of at some point, feel worth it to you. Mind, it is still so soon and this sounds like such a major breakup that I can easily see feeling like nothing is worth feeling like you probably are right now just because it is still so fresh and you are still so worn through by it all.)

Just FYI, you said:

I just feel like going out and having fun is all I can really do now because it seems safer or easier.

I just want to affirm for you that, if that is what you want to do, that can be just as acceptable, okay, healthy, right and even better TO do as pursuing serious relationships. If THAT is what feels like the right thing for you to do right now, you have the opportunity to do that and that is what you want to do, I encourage you TO do that? And if some of the reason why is that it feels emotionally safer and it feels easier, it is 100% okay to choose to do things that are emotionally safer for us and easier, in sex and relationships just like anything else.

This stuff about timing matters when it comes to you, too. It sounds like you're pretty clear that right now isn't a good time for you to pursue or enter into anything more serious: you're still grieving, you lack the emotional energy, and you just don't feel safe right now. You don't need any more reason than "I don't want to," not to pursue something serious, but these reasons you have right now are super-valid all the same, you know?

[BuddyBoi21]

With the feelings of my original appraoch to relationships being pointless, it just feels like I tried to go the "best" route to keep from being heartbroken and hitting a dead end with someone. I wanted a long term partner to grow up (or even old) with and knowing now that no matter what I do something can always go wrong causing the relationship not to work out, I just don't feel the need to or just feel it's unnecessary for me to try and establish a clear cut path of how a relationship should be.

Like "after 3 or more dates ask about being an 'official' couple" or "wait 6 months to have sex with this person so you won't mess anything up". Any of these rules that I've had throughout my teens before, during or after dating a person have probably or feel like they have done nothing but hold me back from having any fun with dating. I took it way too serious and as it turns out it just seems like there's not much of a point in taking it too seriously.

Like yeah if someone else wants to do that then great for them but for me it just doesn't work anymore. I'm tired of having these ideas and rules that don't really do anything besides keepin me from having a good time. I just want to have fun now (safely and responsibly of course) and I just don't care anymore. Or at least to some degree I don't want to care in the way I did before. Just the concept of dating a person with the intention or hope of falling in love with them is what I want to avoid. And even if I do end up loving them that this idea/hope/expectation that they can and/or will stay I want gone as well.

I just feel like if I just focus on having a good time then that would more beneficial to me for a while and in the long run than having this overly romantic idea of relationships or romantic love.

Also sorry if my quote came off as snarky! The tone is actually more exasperated/exhausted. I just recognize I feel sad and as much as I would love to have that feeling of love again, I would only wnat that with my ex currently and as far as I know that will never happen (or it's highly unlikely to happen).

Deep down I know I still love the idea of romantic love, settling down and being content with someone. I still feel warm and happy when I see content couples but as it looks as of now, whether I like it or not, that situation I see probably won't be something I'll be in for a very long time.

But I'm glad I'm not being weird by wanting this sort of casual thing for a while. I know when time comes that if I like a person and I want to give them a chance when I like then too that I pursue something serious with them but I know that it probably won't be as permenant as I would want it to be, deep down.

Thank you again!

[Siân]

hey I hope it's ok for me to jump in.

I think you hit the nail on the head with this bit:

I...just feel it's unnecessary for me to try and establish a clear cut path of how a relationship should be.

You're right that the rules of how we "should" be doing relationships can hold us back from having the relationships we want, especially if they get in the way of having real conversations about what would be right for the people actually in the relationship. Sometimes I also think that those rules make it hard to let go when life and timing get in the way. For example, I think there is this story we tell of the "successful" relationship which is about making it through the hard times and growing old together. And sometimes it works, but so often a good, successful relationship can end, and the ending doesn't make it a failure you know? I would go so far as to say that how good a relationship is and how long it lasts don't necessarily have anything to do with one another. It can be good and right and we can learn a lot and love deeply and at some point realise that it's come to an end and that's ok. And that's not a failure, it's not giving up, it's the kind thing to do (even though it can hurt like hell). What do you think?

I think it's totally reasonable to want to take care of ourselves for a while and enjoy more casual relationships as we heal in the wake of an important break-up. It sounds like you're being responsible, and as long as we're considerate of the people we're having fun with it's all good.

As Heather says, it often takes more than a month or two to start feeling recovered from the end of an important relationship, and I'm not surprised you don't want to open yourself up like that again just now. I suspect though, that in time you may start to feel able to do so again, if that's what you want. Does that make sense?

[P.S. I'm not a mind reader, but I think Heather meant that their writing might come across as unintentionally snarky - not yours!]

[Heather]

[P.S. I'm not a mind reader, but I think Heather meant that their writing might come across as unintentionally snarky - not yours!]

That's right! Sorry for the misunderstanding!

[BuddyBoi21]

Hey Siân,

In response to the first part, I guess that's how I feel? Ultimately I'm in this state of not only letting relationships, serious or not, run their course but also feel it best not to expect any romantic relationship to be permenant or even last for a long time, not matter how much I may want it to.

I wouldn't necessarily see it as a failure or a waste of time like I used to but more so just not to take anything so seriously, it sort of feels pointless if that makes sense. And honestly it feels as though I, as well as many others, are just suitable for a long string of relationships in a lifetime instead of a single long term life partner of any kind.

If things, people and relationships change constantly than why expect anything or even bother to desire anything long term from anyone when it seems inevitable that something or even everything can and will come to some sort of end?

It just seems pointless to me in that respect, if that makes sense?

As for that second part, I'm not entirely sure if that will happen. I feel like I'm a bit torn but overall I just feel as though "falling in love" isn't the best idea or simply isn't meant for me.

A small part of me wants to hold out hope for the "traditional" concept of romance; the kind where I meet someone, we get to know each other and stay together for a long time and hopefully that grows into a lifetime commitment.

In theory, I could take the chance based off of wishful thinking to be in a long term relationship again but it feels like I'd be better off just having no expectations that the person would be there, even if I somehow end up in a long term relationship again.

My point is I may want to very badly fall roght back into the "traditional romance" mindset but I'd probably be better off just letting it go altogether and just not really settling down, even if I wanted to.

Plus even though there is a lot a growth from it, being vulnerable probably isn't the best ideas for me personally, at least not for a while time (this could maybe be a few months or maybe a few years, I'm not entirely sure).

There's also this mindset where I feel "love" and "romance" are simply distractions and pastimes. They're nothing more than a bit of fun and shouldn't be taken so seriously or be a significant part in my life. Either way I feel like I'm simply better off not being in any long term commitent, regardless of whether or not I want it.

I hope this makes sense and I'm sure it sounds pretty cynical but honestly I'm not sure what else to do anymore so that's why I basically don't care/don't want to care anymore.

Also to Heather,

It's no problem! You didn't come off as snarky at all but thank you so much for clarifying!

[Mo]

Do you have a sense of why love or romance feel unimportant or like they'd just be distractions? Do you feel like that about other types of relationships you have with people, like platonic friendship or familial connections?

[BuddyBoi21]

Hi Mo,

I feel like love and romance should go on the back burner because they tend to impact my mood and decisions in ways that I feel may not be okay. If I'm interested or attached to a person I can either be energized and chipper or very distressed and down in the dumps to the point of a breakdown.

I've also thought of it in ways where simply if I'm not out pursuing relationships or crying over them I can better invest into myself, activisim, volunteering or even a hobby.

I've caught on that I can be a very sensative person when I allow complete vulnerability in any type of relationship and caught on how to separate these feelings or simply make sure only certain levels of vulnerability are available to that person as I've grown.

With family, only certain levels of vulnerability are achieved where as a different level is achieved with my friends. With romantic relationships I've always strived for or instinctively showed complete vulnerability (or a much deeper kind than with my family or friends). I now no longer want to do this with romantic partners because they are very temporary, probably even more so than friends.

Despite this, I definately see value in friendships and family and value them much more than romantic relationships or at least I do my best to.

However, for the longest time I saw trying to have a long term commited partner as inviting someone into my family and even as a way of starting my own family. But knowing what I know now about romantic relationships, that no matter how good they are, they can (and in many cases probably will) end for one reason or another that's completely out of my control.

Because of this, I feel there's little to no point in "trying to find the one" or "choosing carefully" anymore. No matter how much my logic-disregarding heart wants to hug, kiss and "make love" to a "soulmate" I have to swallow the hard pill that says there's a very slim chance of that actually happening.

So instead of doing everything I can to find "Ms./Mx. Right" I should just fool around safely with people and not care so much or take dating so seriously. I know it might sound a bit forceful and cynical but I know I'm better off because I'll only become emotionally burnt out over time so I much rather just have fun than to try too hard, if that makes sense?

[Sam W]

Hi Buddyboi,

Chiming in here with a few things. For one, it's totally okay if for the time being, or for large chunks of the future, you want to devote more of your energy to activities you like or find fullfilling, or to non-romantic relationships, than to dating or looking for romance. The things that people prioritize and enjoy in their lives is so widely varied, and there are definitely folks who find that they are never interested in pursuing romantic relationships; they find they're content and happy in their lives without it.

That all being said, it sounds like a romantic relationship is something that you, at least on some level, want to have (and please correct me if I'm off base on that). And it's certainly understandable that if you've been burned before after being vulnerable with a partner that you'd want to figure out ways to avoid that kind of unpleasantness. It's also understandable that you'd settle on being casual and not caring in any romantic or sexual relationships you do have as a solution; we-and here I mean a general we- tend to assume that casual relationships won't require any vulnerability or openness, or any attachment. But the tricky thing is, humans and relationships aren't always as clear cut as that, and feelings can shift over time. Too, even in casual relationships, there's going to be some level of vulnerability simply because what you and that person are doing requires some degree of intimacy. So it's worth thinking about, if you're only interested in more casual relationships, how you'll navigate that element. Does that make sense?

I'll also offer the thought that many things we love, many things we pour emotions or vulnerability into, are temporary. Creative pursuits, jobs and, of course, relationships, all have that element to them. So I think it might be helpful to spend some time considering why the temporariness of romantic relationships seems extra powerful to you? Is it that the ending of this last relationship stung so much that you never want to face that again? That romantic relationships feel like the "should" not be as temporary as they often are?

[BuddyBoi21]

Hey Sam,

I'l be very honest with all of you, I would love to be in a relationship where I'm content and have a person to "share my life with" I don't think I have been or ever will be aromantic which is why a lot of these feelings relating to my ex are pretty painful for me.

When it comes to casual relationships and how they require certain levels of vulnerability then yes, that makes sense. How I plan to navigate this is by like everyone else, only allowing certain forms/levels of vulnerability. I want a girlfriend/partner and a wife/spouse someday but I don't think that they should ever experience a full level of vulnerability with me. I believe this with everyone in my relationships now so when I struggle I'll mention it but I will never go into too much detail, even if people check in with me.

I much rather just let myself be vulnerable with doctors/professionals about myself/my problems and leave it at that. Anyone else beyond that won't stay so what's the point in trying so hard or attaching deeply to anyone?

I very badly wanted to avoid pain but now I know that pain is inevitable. Okay, that makes sense heartbreak is a part of life. But if everything is temporary then what's the point of anything? If at some point people stop loving one another, something always goes wrong then why the hell even try?

It seems to me that with this information there's basically no point in doing anything besides mindless f**king and flirting and just having fun rather than all these stupid ideas we're shown all the damn time about soulmates and falling in love and marriage.

It all feels pointless and stupid but why do i still want it when I don't want to care?

When basically no relationship will ever actually last then why do any of us still dream of or want love and feel such intense pain when a person leaves us? Why?

None of you have all the answers to any of these questions but these are things that go through my head regarding romance and quite frankly make me never want to date another person for as long as I live.

Thank you for answering and sorry for the emotionally charged post. I just feel upset and angry for wanting "love" when it really seems like nothing more than a lie.

[Mo]

I know these are big questions you aren't looking for definitive answers to, but I had a few thoughts.
I've had relationships that I still carry some deep hurts from, even years after we broke up. But there are some that ended (or transitioned into platonic friendship) by mutual agreement, or in a way that hurt one or both of us at the time but that we both felt good about later. I've stopped dating people who are still my very close friends, people who I love and who love me but who fit together better with me when we're not in a dating relationship.
There are many parts of previous relationships that I think very fondly on, even if we're no longer together or if there are still some hurtful feelings mixed in as well. Opening yourself up to a deep connection with someone does also create a chance to be hurt as well, and that can be really scary. A lot of people find that the risk is worth it overall, even when there are some really painful times in there. And it's always ok to retreat a bit and open yourself up a bit less for a while, when you need to.

[BuddyBoi21]

Hi Mo,

There's no doubt in my mind that I can and will have different outcomes with my exes. So far none of them have been positive in terms of how well we get along as people or keep in contact with one another after the relationship.

With my most recent ex, I would love to be their friend someday and don't have any extreme doubts in my mind over whether or not that idea is possible.

I'm glad to know I'm allowed to take a break and not invest my time into a person. I'm also not that distraught about the fact that loving a person or being in any relationship at all involves risks.

What I have an issue with is feeling as though if ALL relationships are temporary, particularly romantic relationships, and it sounds as though no matter how hard I or any of my potential partners try that the relationship WILL come to an end then why should I bother trying to begin with?

It sounds and feels as though if I do my best to find and have a long term committed relationship it'll just go on for a few months or years and then end. Then I'll start over again and it would be this endless cycle of relationships but no life partner until I die. I get and understand if this is going to be a long growth process but if I just keep going on and never really find that person to settle down with I just can't describe how I would feel towards the idea of relationships.

If this concept of settling down is just really one big lie even though it's something I genuinely want then I just can't even use any words to describe how exactly I feel about this. All I do know is if it's a lie then I just don't feel okay or happy with this possible fact because I deeply desire this even though it would basically never happen. I almost want to groom myself to be fully independant and not rely on any person outside of myself if everyone is simply temporary.

Does this all make sense?
Also I'm sorry about not being able to describe the emotions toward not being able to "find love" or "settle down", it just feels really hard to pin down even vauguely how I feel about this.

Anyway, thank you!

[Sam W]

Going back really quickly to one of the questions you asked me: why do people continue to want these deep connections even when there's a chance they will end, maybe even painfully? Well, a few reasons. On a really basic level, humans are social creatures. Even the most introverted of us needs some level of connection and interaction to other people. And, the reality is that the majority of close relationships we have, be they romantic or not, will bring a ton of positive elements into our lives. They make us happy, and so we continue to seek them out. As Mo pointed out, even if many of these relationships end, not all of those endings are painful. And even when they are, the overall benefits of having other people we love and are close to in our lives outweighs those costs.

The tricky thing about talking about settling down with a partner, or having people you love in your life as a constant, is that is both something that it can happen, just not as often or as easily as many people wish it would (I may have gotten a bit too big picture previously in how I was defining temporary, and that's my bad, because there are people who are lifelong friends or partners in the sense that they are close until one of them passes away). Settling down with someone is less a lie and more one of the many possible outcomes of human relationships. And when a break-up is still very raw, it can definitely increase that feeling of "this is never going to happen for me and I will die alone." But, none of us know the future, and who'll we'll encounter as we move through our lives. So I'd encourage you not to surrender to the idea that something you really want for your future is impossible.

It's actually totally okay to want to learn how to be okay independent of having a partner. In fact, we encourage people to learn how to be comfortable and whole while not in a romantic relationship, if for no other reason than most of us will be in that position at some point (and having a whole self separate from a relationship when you do get into one tends to make that relationship healthier and richer).

Have you spoken with your counselor recently about these feelings lately, particularly those feelings of hopelessness or pointlessness attached to getting into a relationship that is potentially temporary?

[Heather]

Just two super-quick adds from me!

1) You said:

Despite this, I definately see value in friendships and family and value them much more than romantic relationships or at least I do my best to.

However, for the longest time I saw trying to have a long term committed partner as inviting someone into my family and even as a way of starting my own family. But knowing what I know now about romantic relationships, that no matter how good they are, they can (and in many cases probably will) end for one reason or another that's completely out of my control.

I just want to add that this is true about any and every kind of relationship we can have, very much including friends and family. ANY kind of relationship can -- and at some point will, if for no other reason than that we all die eventually -- radically change or end at some point.

2) If you'd like to talk to someone who has had *several* serious relationships/partners -- people I have very much considered life partners, despite there not being just one of them -- in their lifetime, just to get a sense of how a person can be okay with the great impermanence of everything but still pursue serious relationships, I'd be happy to offer up my gabbiness about it.

[BuddyBoi21]

Hi Sam,

Sorry I misunderstood your idea of temporary as it relates to relationships.
Pretty much I agree and don't mind any of these ideas and only feel that sense of hopelessness if I were to simply never have a lifelong partner because the idea of a lifelong partner is impossible. Does that make sense?

This doesn't make me any less of a worthy person to want a lifelong partner or devalue any of my past relationships that ended but I would strongly prefer a lifelong partner at some point in my life over having multiple long term relationships in a lifetime in place of one.

With independence, I don't mind it at all but what I fear a bit is becoming anxious or repulsed by relationships to the point of even sabotaging my potential relationships, even if I were to want one consciously.

That's also something I noticed because I have been very independant before my (potential) relationships, including this past one. But what has happened is that I become so used to being independant and guarded that I have to relearn to be vulnerable, then once I'm vulnerable, these insecurities or issues that I thought I had dealt with entirely while single or even issues I didn't realize I had emerged during these times of courting or within new relationships.

Once the person is gone I'm perfectly fine as far as I know but when a person is there for me to express my vulnerability to them all hell breaks loose it seems. Because this happens it sometimes makes me feel like I should push myself to be alone for a few years, no matter how badly another person and I want to date, simply because I feel like a deeply flawed person who doesn't know how to to properly manage or be in a relationship.

I'm not exactly hopeless about getting into a potentially temporary relationship but more so hopeless about whether or not I would ever find a lifelong partner. I believe I will someday, just not anytime soon. I also don't believe it'll be "easy".

My therapist doesn't know about this part of my romantic life, only that I was questioning whether or not I "should" have sex even though I really wanted to.

I find it hard to speak to my therapist because I have so many other issues going on in my life like my transition, my family dynamic, politics, my overall mental health and other things. With that all being packed into an hour long session I just try to prioritize what's bothering me the most.

Also to be honest with you all I feel a pretty embarrassed a lot of my mind is consumed with girls, dating and relationships, sometimes it even feels plainly pathetic with how concerned I am about romantic relationships so I don't like to talk about it unless I feel it's extremely important.

Either way the short answer is no but I'll just try to bring up more general issues regarding myself, unrelated to but definately impacts all of my relationships, to my therapist next week.

Thank you!

[BuddyBoi21]

Hey Heather,

1. Okay, these things are all true but I still don't enjoy this concept that virtually regardless of what I or the other person does that things cam still "go wrong" and end (outside of out living the other person and accidentally viewing Sam's odea of temporary as EVERYTHING being temporary regardless of anything you could ever do)

2. I guess you can talk to me about this if you want becausr if this is something that ends up happening to me regardless of whether or not I want it then maybe it might to turn out to work for me instead.

I personally don't see myself wanting or wholeheartedly enjoying a lifetime of different long term partners unless I was simply doing that to avoid the purest form of vulnerability with a person or just avoid being permenantly "tied down" to one person for the rest of my life.

Do these things make sense?

Either way I guess that's fine if you really want to.

Thank you