GF is reluctant to let me do oral

[TexasEric]

Hi - you guys helped me on another topic a while back - i really appreciate it! I got another question - me and my gf have started making out. We talked and both agree that we won't cross the line to full sex yet. For a while we just would touch each other and explore with our hands - that led us to giving each other orgasms. I never knew it would be so great having someone else do that for me or how good it felt to give that to her. We talked and decided we wanted to try oral. it is another level for sure and I really like giving and receiving. She has done me a few times but has only let me do her once. She said and acted like she had a really good orgasm but got kinda shy afterwards. Then the next time after she did me she told me "not tonight". I thought it was cause maybe she was having her period or something but it has been a couple of weeks now and still she doesn't want me to do it. She finally told me cause after that time she was kinda tender and her bits were swollen and she is worried that if she lets me do it too much her bits will stay swollen and kinda be obvious we are doing stuff. I didn't think i was gonna like it as much as I did and I want to do it again. I feel like a jerk having her do me and it be so one-sided. Isn't it normal for some swelling to happen for a girl - like a guy getting a hardon? If you have advice i thank you in advance.

[Heather]

Happy to help.

So, just to be clear, no one is being a jerk by NOT doing something a partner doesn't want them to do. It also sounds like you know exactly how one-sided oral sex someone actually wants to be doing is. Sounds like you obviously enjoyed doing it with her body, so there's no reason to assume she isn't also getting pleasure and other things out of oral sex with your genitals, too. If she hasn't said she feels like it's one-sided, I think you can assume that's because it doesn't feel like it is for her.

But if oral sex for her (genitals) is something you both want to do, but what she is concerned about is swelling, and that that isn't okay, let me drop some info down for both of you.

It's typical for genitals to swell when we're very turned on. Everyone generally knows and accepts that with penises, but fewer people, especially when this is all new and if not one has had really good sex ed, know it also happens with vulvas. In fact, erections even happen with vulvas with the clitoris, and it's also common -- especially if someone gets very excited -- for the mons and outer labia to visibly puff up, even. But that's temporary, just like erections. Once someone's body has a little time (usually about 20 minutes or less) to calm down, the genitals go back to being how they were before. Same goes with tenderness: arousal makes our genitals feel way more sensitive. And unless someone is looking at her genitals, uncovered, no one is going to be able to know. She might feel like she can tell through her clothes, but that's most likely her feeling self-conscious and just feeling like that's visible, rather than it actually being visible.

I do want to just say one thing before you share that information with her, though, and that's that she might feel self-conscious, even in taking with you, about this being about arousal, if it was. You know her and we don't, so based on what you think is going to leave her feeling best, I'd choose how you talk to her about this. If you think it might make her feel more self-conscious, for instance, you might want to be more gentle in how you talk about it and less, "OMG, I found out the COOLEST thing about your vulva today!" (even if you do think it's really cool, which I certainly would get, because it is pretty neat). Know what I mean?

Now, in the event this is lasting more than 20-30 minutes, and anything hurt for her with this, curing or after, we might need to talk about something else, like making sure you're going about this in ways that don't accidentally hurt her. Was that the case at all, do you know?

[TexasEric]

Hi Heather - thank you for getting back to me so fast. She doesn't make me feel bad- just something i kinda feel but thanks for saying what you did. I think both of us have not had great sex ed. Most of mine is from guys I work with or the internet. When i first heard about a guy giving a girl oral, i was like NO WAY, but i guess since we have become trusting with one another I really wanted to do it and I DO like it. I am pretty sure she enjoys it and she told me it was the best orgasm she had - that is why it puzzled me. I kinda figured out a girls clitoris can erect too cause when doing stuff to her with my hand I felt it - she did have to tell me not to go right there at first or be to eager but once she is really into it she likes it. I think it probably is just self-conscious on her part. She is very pretty and neat down there - I seen some pics where it is pretty fleshy and she does do sports so maybe that is what she is concerned about - you know changing and showering for PE, etc. but I doubt girls are paying that much attention. What you told me is Cool but i will be a gentleman if I tell her anything - we are usually pretty "proper" with eachother most times - just when things kinda heat up do we let our guards down. Before we got serious, I would feel awkward when i got an erection around her but once she told me that she took it as a compliment i didn't stress so much and letting her know i have one is a neat thing between us. Maybe i can figure a way to let her know it would be the same for me. I don't think I hurt her during oral. Maybe it was a combination of things being different - (first time she didn't have her panties on around me, maybe she felt so exposed - she did tell me she couldn't believe i really like doing it) - I do know that sucking on a girl's bits is not as good as it is for a guy - a guy at work told me to draw the alphabet with my tongue. - - -I am sorry if this question sounds crude but we talked about not having sex yet - meaning no penetration - I didn't try to penetrate very far with my tongue - is that part of doing oral? does it feel good for the girl? It is something i want to do but not if it isn't good for her. I don't want to make her feel self conscious at all so do u think it would be ok for me to tell her how good i feel when I have given her an orgasm? It is really cool to have a place like this to ask stuff!

[Mo]

I think it would be great to let her know how much you like it when she enjoys sex and has an orgasm. You can talk about the specific things you really enjoy about giving her oral sex, too. I think it's safe to say that most people enjoy hearing that their partners enjoy sex with them.

In terms of what might feel best during oral sex, the way to learn what your girlfriend enjoys most is to do some experimentation and communication with her. "Oral sex" covers pretty much anything your mouth can do with your partner's genitals, so something like inserting your tongue in your partner's vagina, or sucking on her clitoris or labia could be part of it; some people will really enjoy either or both of those things, some won't. Like any kind of sex, what feels best will vary from person to person, so if and when you have oral sex again, you can talk with her about what you'd like to try, what sounds good to her, and how she feels after you've tried these things.

[TexasEric]

Thanks Mo, I understand about communication. We can talk about most things anytime. We both seem kinda awkward talking about sex stuff unless we are kinda involved in "the moment". Maybe because of our strict families? Like there are words we wouldn't use around each other just sitting around talking but once we get to messing around, it just seems natural how stuff comes out. I do want us to be real with each other and I will try to figure out a way to tell her how much i want to make her feel good.
Also, when i masturbate on my own, I can go for a while but when we are together it seems like I have to have her stop touching or stop sucking or I will finish before I want. Will it get to a place where I can go longer? It isn't like we ever have a long time to do stuff but just rather not be so fast.
Hope i am not taking up so much time with all this. Thanks again!

[Heather]

I want to add a few things, just so you have some information you might otherwise. This might be a bit random!

Vulvas are SUPER diverse. Way more so than penises. It's normal for vulvas to be very "fleshy," like you say -- to be full when it comes to the inner and/or out labia. It's also normal for them to be what you're calling more "neat", with smaller inner bits. But a looooooot of women (when we're talking about women who have vulvas) feel like the only way for vulvas to be okay is for them to appear and be demure, neat or tidy, and NOT full. This is very similar messaging women get about their bodies and selves, period: that we're better when we take up as little space as possible. Ugh.

So, some people whose vulvas just are fuller and frillier, period, can feel self-conscious all the time. Others, whose aren't so baroque, may worry about what IF their vulvas aren't tiny/smaller-looking, feeling that must be the end of the world or something to avoid (especially if anyone in their life has given them the message "neat" vulvas are somehow prettier or better in some other way). And for some of those, the changes that come with arousal are unwanted or scary because of how they change appearance in that way.

I say this because I don't know if you've talked to your partner about her vulva like you have here, but if you have, one thing that might help with her self-consciousness is to NOT talk about her vulva like you did here in terms of it being "pretty" or "neat." It just might play into her feeling like her vulva looking how it looks or feeling how it feels when she's aroused and/or during oral sex is problematic. And of course, it's also just good to know this stuff period, because if you have even just a few partners with vulvas in your life, you're likely to come across those with fuller vulvas.

You say:

I do know that sucking on a girl's bits is not as good as it is for a guy - a guy at work told me to draw the alphabet with my tongue. - - -I am sorry if this question sounds crude but we talked about not having sex yet - meaning no penetration - I didn't try to penetrate very far with my tongue - is that part of doing oral? does it feel good for the girl?

I'm not sure what you mean by that first part, but I am seeing an overarching theme of you maybe having the idea there is one way any of this goes for guys and girls. Like all guys or all girls like X things, done X way, and enjoy them X much. That couldn't be further from the truth. Not only is that not true about things like what we like to eat, or what we choose to read or even how we experience and present our gender, period, just because people are much, much more diverse than literally being one of two ways, but human sexuality, in particular, is one of the MOST diverse things about us. So, for as much as it's not true that all guys like tacos and all girls like cheeseburgers (or whatever), generalizations like that are even MORE false when it comes to sexuality.

So. Let's say we're in a train car full of people. In that train car, a few guys and a few girls are people who seriously love oral sex, whether it's about a partner having a mouth on their genitals or vice-versa. (And because some men and women are trans, not all those guys have penises and not all those girls have vulvas.) A few might like "giving" but not "getting" and vice-versa. Some people with vulvas on the train like a tongue inside sometimes -- or like it with one partner but not with a different one -- others might all the time, others never. A few people on the train, of any gender, are just not into oral sex at all, with anyone, no matter how they do it. Catch my drift? There's no "for the girl" answer with any of this stuff. We're all much more diverse than that, and gender doesn't create the kind of broad, universal shared differences a lot of people think. There's only a "for THIS PARTICULAR girl," answer, and the only person who can give you those answers IS that particular girl. You'll find out what feels good to her by trying things she wants to, seeing how it goes, and asking her questions.

Per your most recent question about keeping an erection around longer, it's most typical for people with penises to reach orgasm just a minute or two -- sometimes even less, especially when people are younger and/or new to sex -- after something like intercourse or oral sex starts. There's nothing that isn't okay about that. But if it's an issue for you because you want sex to last longer, there are some common things people do around that. I want to say first that being sexual doesn't require an erection and our genitals aren't our only super-sensitive body parts: so how long you're sexual with your partner doesn't have to have zip to do with how long you're erect. There is literally only one kind of sex (intercourse) that requires an erection, one of a ton of ways to be sexual. Too, for younger people, the refractory period (the time your body needs to rest up and recoup after orgasm and ejaculation) is usually pretty short, so getting to another erection soon after one before is probably a thing you can do.

That said, if you just enjoy that lasting longer, you can wait longer, doing other kinds of sexual things, before you do the stuff that gets you to orgasm. Or, when you do those things, you can do them for shorter periods of time, doing other things in between while you take little breaks from those things.

[TexasEric]

Dang! It makes sense the way you explain things - it is like I read it and think - Duhh, I should have known that! I have only seen one vulva in real life and others in pictures and there is lots of differences. Guess it is the same for guys - penises are different too. I like that Kim's is "neat" but to me what ever she had would be fine cause it is part of her. I will watch how I describe it when we are at those times we can talk about such things. I got to figure out a way to tell her how amazing it is when she lets me touch her most private parts - how awesome it is when she comes because of me - especially when i was doing oral on her. It sounds like you guys are telling me mostly that we need to learn to tell each other what we think and like or don't like. When you've been raised to be "polite" it is just hard to do. All my life when I have heard some say "Suck my di@k" it was an insult - but when she has me in her mouth and I watch her (she kisses and does oral with her eyes closed) it is anything but an insult and that thought goes through my head but I can't say it to her cause I of the way it sounds in my mind.
We usually don't have long to do stuff but I would like to last longer. She can come 2 or 3 times if I am gentle between times. Usually after I get home I can go another time or two so i know what you are meaning about recouping. Just not sure i could stay soft before we do stuff - just kissing makes me get wood. I guess you mean doing less erotic stuff and trying not to make it all about the orgasm? I am her first sexual partner and she is my first girl. We have feelings for each other. Do you think it is cause we are doing things we shouldn't (according to parents) that makes it so hot? Or for me hearing her say words she would never say in other settings that really turns me on? I don't want it to be special just because of those reasons for either of us - I guess the complicated question is how do we keep it like this?
I know you are busy for the holiday and I really appreciate the fast responses. Kim and I are going out tonight and I will be with her family some tomorrow. I will keep in mind what you have told me for sure.

[Heather]

It's such a pity that there are so many strong cultural messages that sex is rude or wrong or bad, and so talking about sex is also rude or wrong or bad.Neither of those things are true. It's not impolite to talk about sex: after all, if we aren't communicating about in it at least the most basic ways, we can't even have real consensual sex, let alone be sure we're all doing things that everyone actually desires and enjoys.

I think why you're enjoying sex and feeling turned on by it is because sex is all about pleasure, and when all the right bits are in order -- people want it for themselves, they can do it with someone they want to be doing these things with, chemistry is there, what they're doing feels good, they're doing things each finds exciting, etc. -- it's enjoyable. For some people, feeling like they're taking risks or breaking the rules can amplify arousal: only y'all can say if that's true for you. But I think you're enjoying being sexual because, by and large, it's usually enjoyable when it's right, not because it's wrong.

Just one addition: when people orgasm, it's not because of their partner. Orgasm in an involuntary response of our central nervous system. Now, as partners, we can do things to or with our partners that result in them having orgasm, but it's still not something WE did. It's something their bodies did. I say hat because it can be real easy to get hung up in some not-conducive-to-enjoyable-sex dynamics when people think they're responsible for, or the power behind, other people's orgasms.

[TexasEric]

Hey Heather! I kinda understand what you are saying about the message about sex being bad - I admit to being kinda frustrated when sitting in church and knowing everyone would condemn us for the little we are doing while they go home and do even more. I know for them it is more about our age or that it is not in a marriage. I think that me and Kim feel this is our bodies/our business. I want to be sure and be respectful of her. I did get to bring up stuff with her we talked about some things - we both found it easier than we thought it would be. She really doesn't want to go all the way yet and was afraid she was sending me the wrong message by letting me go down on her. We both just agreed that going all the way was not an option until we both wanted to go there. So later when we had some time together we got to make out and she did let me go down on her! I think that her knowing that I wasn't expecting more she could relax and let it happen. As for what you said about orgasms, i know it was just her body having the involuntary response but i sure liked that I got to help her have it. I still din't have much luck in lasting longer but it was still amazing! I was telling a friend from work who has his own apartment about finding time and space to be together and said we could use his place. The "breaking the rules" is kinda exciting but we kinda don't like the risk of being caught so this might be a cool thing for us.
I know these messages are public but is there a way to ask you somethings that it won't be so public? Thanks again for your help.

[Mo]

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