Mom hates my boyfriend. Need serious advice?

[hiim.maria]

Hello everyone
I’ve been with my boyfriend, who I will call joe, for about 3 years now. In the last 3 years, things have been rough, like any relationship. Joe used to be very lazy and he showed little to no effort.
We broke up and were on the rocks for a few months and I started to see someone else, who had been my friend for a while. Bad idea. My mom instantly connected with this guy and although she won’t admit it, she would’ve wanted me to be with him.
But my heart was with Joe and I could tell that his whole demeanor and attitude towards me and the relationship changed in a good way.
Ultimately, I started seeing joe again and although my mom didn’t say anything I could tell she wasn’t the happiest.
Yesterday is when things took a turn. I asked if Joe could come over for thanksgiving, she said no and I said it was fine but she basically said he was no longer allowed at our house. She said she doesn’t like him anymore and that he lost her trust. Not sure how, but that’s what she said. She said he’s not responsible, doesn’t have a job (we aren’t both full time students- difference is I have some time to have a part time job, he does not) and that he doesn’t love me.
I have no idea how she can say he doesn’t love me when he has never cheated, lied or manipulated me in any way. Was he lazy? Of course. Should he have cared a bit more? Definitely. But he wasn’t abusive in anyway or treated me so horribly for her to be this way. I guess it’s partly my fault for always being so open and transparent with her bc she hates him due to all of the problems I’ve shared with her about our relationship.

She’s fixed on not liking him and having no interest on having a relationship with him. Despite it all, I do see myself marrying him in the future and I do think he will get a job once he graduates. He’s very motivated, loving and I know he really does care about me. But it breaks my heart that she doesn’t want to know any details about us and if he ever proposes to me, it makes me sad that I won’t be able to share beautiful moments with her.
I don’t have the money to move out and his parents love me. I’m always welcomed there but ideally, I wouldn’t want to pack up and leave home right now. How do I go about this situation?
Does it really matter if she doesn’t get along with him? Is there anything he should do to gain her “trust” back and show he’s changed?
I’m so torn and so hurt. I’ve shared everything with her about my life and for her to be so cold, really breaks my heart.

[Siân]

Hi hiim.maria,

I'm sorry that this is making your relationship with your mum so difficult right now. I'm assuming that this is a recent change and he was able to come round to your house before?

I would give your mum a bit of space to cool down, and then see if you can have a conversation with her about this as adults. They don't have to get along perfectly, but it sounds like it would make your relationship and your home life easier if they could be at least civil and accepting of one another. You asked if he can gain your mom's trust back but only she can answer that. What kind of things would you say to her in that conversation? When would be a good moment to have it?

Maybe you can look over this, and we can brainstorm ideas of how to talk to your mom:How to Clash With Love: Some Conflict Resolution Basics

If that doesn't work out, I get that it's difficult and uncomfortable but it sounds like you can probably continue to live at home for now and see your boyfriend out of the house. In time, it's possible that if you're happy your mom might see that and come around.