The Risk of Being Alone

[Heather]

I'm not sure what the "purest form of vulnerability" is (especially since I don't think there's a purest universal anything, or any universal way that all of us are more or less vulnerable, plus purity is such an iffy concept in the first place).

Can you tell me what you mean by that?

It also doesn't sound like you really want me to talk about what I offered, given the "if you want" response. That's okay! This is supposed to be about your needs, not mine, and I don't need to just hear myself talk even if this was about my needs. If what I offered ever does sound earnestly helpful, you know where to find me.

[BuddyBoi21]

Hey Heather,

So with that first bit I say "purest" meaning as vulnerable as a person can be, not "pure" as in like "wholesome" or "untainted".
Just the ability to be extremely vulnerable with a person (whatever that means for that person). For me this means expressing much more unfiltered thoughts and feelings to my partner that I may not express to other people, being sexually and intimatey involved with that person (and since I'm monogamous these actions would be with this person only; at least with more intimate forms of affection and expressing sexuality with a partner.)

I'm saying I'd only hug everyone and show more "platonic" forms of affection to friends and family but I'd only kiss, hug or have sex and show other forms of more "romantic"affection with my committed partner. Does this make sense?

As for your advice/story I'm open to hearing about it but I guess I'm hesitant beacuse I feel like hearing it won't necessarily help me. It won't hurt me to hear it and it might help but I still feel it might not do much sense I strongly feel like I won't exactly enjoy have more than one "life partner" within my one lifetime.

Either way I did say it wouldn't hurt so sure, go ahead and tell me about having more than one person throughout your life.

Sorry if this seems a bit confusing and thank you for offering to open up about your experience.

[Sam W]

Hi Buddyboi,

I just want to address one thing really quickly to not get too much in the way of the conversation between you and Heather. You mention you feel like you won't enjoy having more than one long-term partner in your lifetime. I think that's something to work into your conversation when you bring this topic up with a therapist. There's a lot to unpack in that feeling, and it may give you a starting point for talking about a lot of the deeper feelings tied up in how you're thinking about future romantic relationships.

As an aside, it's not at all silly to have a lot of brain space be occupied by fears and wants around romantic relationships (especially when you've recently had one end rather painfully). Those are completely legitimate things to bring up with a therapist, in part because they're often tied up (or influenced by) some of the other things you've been working with that person to address.

[BuddyBoi21]

Hi Sam,

If this seems like a good thing to do then I'll mention it. I guess when I say I don't think I'd be happy it'd be more of a circumstance I'd "have to accept and live with" rather than something I'd be truly content with.

I'll just drift through life and different people but not necessarily "settle down" like I had intended to do. Even the fact that it's more visible that monogamous queer people get married, have kids of their own and grow old together is something I feel I've always wanted. But if for whatever reason I'm simply destined to never have that, even if that's something "I want" and be fine without it then so be it I guess.

Either way I'll talk to about because maybe I was just raised to think that's what I want?

Anyway, thank you.

[Sam W]

I think bringing this up the next time you talk with them sounds like a good plan. That gives you a space to process these feelings, and the things underneath these feelings, with someone who can help you figure out how to address them.

While you're right that the common narrative puts long-term monogamy as the goal, but that doesn't mean it isn't something people can, and do, genuinely want (it just means that, for some people, it takes longer to realize it's not what they want because it's so often presented as the only option). If right now, or for a long time, finding someone to be partners with long term feels like the type of relationship you want, that's completely okay. And that want isn't incompatible with the realities of many relationships ending; it just requires some adjusting of expectations and mindsets, something else that you may be able to talk about with your therapist. Does that make sense?

[BuddyBoi21]

Hey Sam,

That makes sense and I'll go over these feelings with my therapist the next time I see them.

Thank you!

[Sam W]

You're welcome, I hope it goes well!