Discovering who I am??

[Bluenikuli]

This is a brief summary of my conversation with Jacob in the live chat and what we discussed.

I have been engaging in the performing arts since I could walk. Because I was a skinny teenage boy who was a theatre geek , everyone thought I was gay. I took me up until a year ago to finally get people believe I am straight. now my problem is that idk if I am and it sucks. I haven't really had a crush or liked anyone since middle school (I'm a senior in high school). I think it is because I really don't wanna date in high school (because of college applications and other complicated stuff) that I cant physically like anyone. I just don't feel anything like that. and I am a Lovey-dovey type so it's so weird. so I think that my will to not want to date is so strong that I can't like anyone.

Another thing is that I know what I like in bed. I know I'm very submissive but I like to be submissive in a very feminine way. I felt like no woman would wanna to have sex with a guy like that. because... you know.. its kinda weird... I can't really see a woman being into that. I explained to Jacob that when I watch straight porn I wanna be where the woman is. I don't want to be a woman though. He told me that it's more about depictions of women, not about what real people are actually into. He explained that in popular culture, and most straight porn (when the sex stuff is happening) women are depicted as doing and enjoying more 'submissive' roles... so if we wanted to have a more submissive role in sex, it would be difficult to find examples in the mainstream where a 'submissive' role is being played by anyone but a straight woman, or a submissive guy in gay porn. but it is just a role, and in real life, and real sex, any kind of person of any gender can enjoy playing any role... it's not unlikely or impossible for women to enjoy being dominant or for men to enjoy feeling submissive.

He told me that I don't need to laugh right into sex and know everything and that it's something i'll have to negotiate with an individual person.

In regards to discovering wether it is a guy or a girl I wanna do it with, it might just be both. He said to just take my time and see what clicks.

Ultimately, I just don't wanna be gay. or date a guy *^*. I think it's partly because of how long it took me to prove to everyone that I wasn't gay. and I also want kids, you know?

Jacob said this "understand that, you've been subjected to a degree of homophobia that would make many people feel uncomfortable. But it's not your fault that they made you feel like that. You can't directly control who you are attracted to, but you also don't have to date anyone you don't want to. I'll also say that plenty of gay people have kids... but that sounds like it's a long way off for you anyway."

This is where we left off...

I was going to say that I want my own kids. I'm an only child I don't wanna be the one to end it. I want that "typical family" i guess.

Now that I realize it, my friends used to jokingly call me homophobic but it was really kinda their fault. I kind of used it as a way to defend myself... like I remember being very annoyed with overly feminine gays because i thought "not even women act like that" but I think a came about of the subconscious Idea that if I didn't like it then I can't be it... which is ironic because I was raised in a very gender neutral house so I played with barbie dolls, power rangers, race cars, and princess toys all at the same time.

So I guess, I just wanted to continue this discussion and ask about why I am feeling the way I am

[Jacob]

Hi again!

It's so nice to read you paraphrase our conversion. Was it helpful to write it out like that?

I wonder if it would be worth finding friends who are more LGBT friendly or Queer themselves, because while you don't feel explicitly bisexual or gay or trans at the moment... There are still many ways in which you are feeling out of place because of parts of your sexuality and how you want to express yourself.

I can totally relate to that feeling that your potential feels oppressed. So it might not be that you actually want to have relationships with guys, but that doesn't mean that you can't feel the pressure from a society that is so restrictive over acceptable masculinity.

So maybe being around people who actively accepting of wide range of sexualities could be really helpful and good!

[Bluenikuli]

Yeah! It kinda was! It helped solidify some things in my mind.

But they are all very accepting toward homosexuality. I go to school that is very liberal and stuff. ALL of my friends support the LGBT community. I have many friends that are gay too. I do theatre... It's like LGBT central.

[Jacob]

I celebrate the power of the land of theatre nerds; haven of the queers! My advice would be to lean into some of those friendships especially if they are the ones that feel even more accepting and like a place where you can be yourself.

I imagine the particularities of what you are into will probably get clearer and clearer over time. Is that something you still have concerns about? It sounds like you are a bit more comfortable with all of this now.

[Bluenikuli]

I feel like they are all VERY accepting about it. Like if I wanted to come out I kinda just could? idk. Sometimes I feel like I was forced to act manlier because I was very girly in the way I expressed myself (most likely due to only having girl friends till sophomore year of high school) and I had to in order to prevent the accusation of being gay. But now I kind of take pride in my masculine side and I like it.

I think I just struggle because of the fact that it has been a while since I've really liked anyone (for a reason I wish I knew). Not because I feel trapped and can't express myself... I feel like I have nothing to express because... I just don't know!!!! If I really felt like I was bi, I feel like I would have a different problem on my hands... A "fuck, how do I tell my family" kinda problem. Which arguably is easier because I'd probably just wait till I get a boy friend and be like "hey mom meet my boy friend.. Surprise!" and she'd probably be cool about it. But I am never in class thinking about my latest crush... When I'm horny its different. I feel like anything can get me going but if not, i'm kind of empty. Is that what being Asexual is like? or A-emotional or something? idk. I haven't been keeping up with my sexual orientation terms lately... I mean, I'm it will get clearer and clearer over time but there is always that feeling of like "what if it doesn't?" and if so, is it because of me? is it because i'm just too stubborn to date? I don't know! lol. I don't even know where I am going with this anymore.

Anyway, sorry I didn't respond till just now. 'Twas a busy day...

[Bluenikuli]

Is there anyway I can be allowed to PM? I have somethings I wanna go into detail about but don't feel comfortable within public view... you know?

[Mo]

We don't have a PM system here, but you're welcome to use the live chat again, any time you'd like to have a one-on-one conversation.

[Bluenikuli]

got it...

[Heather]

How you doing with all this today?

[Bluenikuli]

Yeah I guess i just don’t really know what to do... I have just been ignoring it. I wish I had a concrete answer or whatever idek. My dreams are also getting weirder and idk what to make of them. So yeah its just been me trying to ignore it.

[Mo]

Have you done any journaling around this? Sometimes it can be helpful to keep some kind of record of your thoughts, so that over time you might be able to see a pattern in how you're feeling, or note how things have changed.
I understand that there can be a big comfort in having a concrete sense of your own sexuality or sexual orientation, but coming to that solid understanding is a process for a lot of people; it's really common to not be sure of everything. I know that may not make your situation feel better, but hopefully it's good to know that you aren't alone in this, and that it is totally normal to be unsure.

[Bluenikuli]

kind of? I have been like typing it out in notes, reading it, and then like deleting it because I just can't write it down. I don't want people to see it. the pattern I see is just that I like sex like idk. I have dreams sometimes that just throw me off. I know I mention my dreams a lot but its because I practice lucid dreaming (somewhat) so I remember them very well. I remember what happens but I don't know what they mean about me and my sexuality. you know?

[Mo]

To be honest, I don't think a dream always has to mean something specific about your sexuality; even when you're practicing lucid dreaming and having more "active" dreams, in dreams the brain spits out all sorts of scenarios and they don't always have to reflect your true desires or anything like that. Plenty of people wind up having sex dreams about coworkers or platonic friends or even people they actively dislike, and it doesn't mean they're secretly attracted to any of them!
Maybe the more meaningful part here is that you have sex on the brain so your dreams are having sexual content in general, not that the specific details of those dreams mean something specific about you and where you're at right now in your process of self-understanding.

[Bluenikuli]

If I wasn't into it though, wouldn't I not get hard?

[Mo]

Not necessarily; sometimes bodies will have a physical reaction even if someone isn't particularly turned on by something. Bodies and sexual response can be weird!