Dealing with depression, self-harm, and low self esteem

[faking_normal_]

I have a history of self harm, depression, and anxiety and it effects my self esteem greatly. I feel down or numb and I turn to unhealthy modes of coping with those feelings. Things like cutting and sexual behaviors. I want to feel good. To feel good about myself. Self harm is something that has been in my life for a very long time and I am so much better then I was before but I feel like I'm slowly slipping back into the darkness of depression. I'm trying to keep myself busy and working towards more positive things. But I guess my real question or dilemma is if I am with a guy that is really sweet and isn't pushy or demanding is it a bad thing to be messing around sexually? I don't know because it feels good and it feels right and safe, I guess I just want a second or third or anyone's opinion and/or advice. Thanks

[Heather]

Hey there, faking_normal. I've been in (some of your) there. I was a cutter in my teens, too. It's hard to learn different habits, I know: big ups to you for trying to get past it.

You know, the idea that sex is universally good or bad, or is in any one specific context, is really busted. Sex is basically pretty neutral, and how it is otherwise is highly situational. Besides some super basic things (like if it's actually sexual abuse, not consensual, mutually wanted sex, or if people are doing it in a way that hurts people), all we can ever really talk about if we want to do this right is about if something is or isn't right for the people involved.

I hear you saying that it feels good and right and safe to you. Looking at your other post, I think it would probably be a good idea to talk about how no, pain with sex isn't a good thing, and how to feel able to do the things that change that (which I'll do more of in a sec in that other thread), but I'm certainly not seeing anything so far that suggests this is or feels bad for you. Do you want to talk more about what has you concerned?

[faking_normal_]

i guess i just want to know if doing sexual things without being careful is another form of self harm.

[Heather]

For sure, sometimes sexual risk-taking -- especially if you're taking risks you don't have to, like not practicing safer sex -- can be a form of self-harm. Choosing to do sexual things with people that treat us like crap or not whole people, or things we don't really want to, or things that make us feel bad can be, too.

Does any of that sound like you so far?

[faking_normal_]

no it doesnt but I just feel like i'm doing something wrong by being sexual. i know that sounds wack but thats how i feel i guess.

[Heather]

It doesn't sound whack to me because, by virtue of this being my job, I am SUPER aware of how many people internalize negative messages about sex and sexuality growing up, and how much people can struggle with them.

Alas, that tends to be a long process, gradually, through your life, doing what you can to unlearn those things and replace them with more accurate, affirming and positive messages. In the meantime, how do you feel about being sexual with those strong negative feelings? Do you feel like those feelings are bad enough they make sex a choice for you that is NOT beneficial? Or that even though you have to deal with those negative thoughts and feelings, it still ultimately feels positive and good for you?

[faking_normal_]

im trying my hardest to deal with the negative feelings. i am a very emotional person and a huge fear for me is getting too attatched to someone after having sex with them. ive done other things in the past and it really messed up my head and how i saw myself. that happened my freshman year of highschool and now im a senior in highschool and i've avoided doing sexual things with people because i am scared and i dont want to be scared anymore which is possibly why im trying to get out and overcome that fear. I dont know if that answers your question or not honestly.

[Sam W]

That, plus the most recent thread you've made, definitely gives us some really important context! To continue what Heather was getting at, when you're making decisions right now to be sexual, is the thought process more "I really want to be sexual with X person, am excited by the idea of doing (insert sexual thing here), and I'm going to try and push past the negative feelings because I think they're nonsense" or "I want to get over this fear/negativity around sex, and I think the way to do that is to be sexual with someone else?" Both? Neither? An entirely different thought process? And, do those negative feelings seem to cancel out or outweigh the positive feelings you get from sex right now?

Too, when you talk about dealing with these negative feelings, can you tell me a little more about what that looks like for you?

If it's helpful, we can also talk in this space at some point about those fears of getting too attached to someone you have sex with (you are far from the first person to deal with those fears, by the by, in part because we have a lot of cultural stories about how sex is a thing that magically makes us get attached to someone).