confused and hurt

[jaclyn_mouse03]

I hope I can post this topic in this section. I was reading some of the other posts on here and I feel like I (sadly) fit in right now.

I have been in a relationship with this boy since early October. I know him through Church. My parents like him and his parents like me. We started having sex in November, always wearing a condom. I have been with two guys before him, sex isn't new for me and I always felt comfortable and in control. He has been with a few girls before me, he says three but I think it's more. Not that that matters.

A few weeks ago he started asking if he could take the condom off, I always say no. I say no in a laughing sorta way just so that I don't cause a problem, I don't say no in a harsh way. He says that it feels better and more connecting and blah blah blah!!!

I think it was the 21st or 22nd when I gave in. I blame myself for this. He just constantly would ask if he could take the condom off, and maybe I was just tired of him asking. But yes, for a brief moment I let him do it. I didn't feel anything good from it, I was honestly blank and lost, I just felt used and violated. I never told him this and I acted like I was okay with it.

On Christmas night he snuck in. I told him he could, just nobody else knew. I didn't want to have sex because my parents were in the house, but he sorta made me do it. I was okay with doing it, it wasn't anything against him, I just mostly didn't want to get caught. About a minute after having sex I felt like something was wrong, it felt more intense but in a good way. I started wondering if he had the condom on, but I knew he put it on. Maybe a minute later and I asked him if he had a condom on, he said yes. Maybe a minute later and I reached on down and I noticed it wasn't on. I told him to stop, he kinda didn't get off at first, but he eventually did.

I am hurt by this. seriously hurt. He told me that the condom rolled off and he didn't realize it, but I don't really believe that. I watched him put the condom on, I did see him do this, but the room was dark, we had blankets over us, and I couldn't see much after that. I should have been mad and angry and pissed and all that, but my parents were home and I couldn't really have some kind of argument with him.

He said sorry repeatedly! He said he didn't know! blah blah blah! He said all of this in a whisper, and he said all of this while he was still in bed with me.

What was dumb of me is that I let him finish having sex with me, with another condom on of course. I made sure that it was on when he entered me, and I felt down and checked several times just so that I could relex. I obviously never did relax. I wish that I told him to leave right after this no condom thing, but I didn't want to create some argument that my parents could possibly hear.

Over the next few days he constantly said sorry, he didn't know, it will not happen again, blah blah blah. After a couple days I felt like maybe he honestly did not know and that it was a mistake. Maybe I was looking at this all wrong?

I had sex with him again on New Years. Condom on, and repeatedly making sure it was on. He started asking again if he could take the condom off, that I should LET HIM since we already did it. He also said it was new years and it would be a great way of starting the year. He told me he would set his timer on his cell for 2 minutes, wouldn't go beyond those 2 minutes. All of this "TALK" was happening when we were having intercourse! NO NO NO is all I could say, I didn't wanna do it. He got off me right after that, and I should have been happy that he got and I should have been happy that he was done asking, but instead right after he got off he told me that he couldn't see me anymore and that he was tired of me arguing with him and he wanted to make me happy and that I wasn't allowing it.

DUMB me is that I let him have those 2 minutes!!!!!!!!!!! I even set the timer on my own phone because I wanted to make sure the alarm went off. Worst 2 minutes of my life!! He was happy, but I wasn't. He got off when the alarm went off, got a condom on and finished. All I did during that time was look at the ceiling fan and wonder why I did it.

I always told myself that I would always have safe sex, that I would always have a condom on, and all I did was break my own rule. I'll be 16 next month, and I feel like my birthday is gonna be the worst ever! I just don't feel right. I feel like I can't tell anybody about anything about what happened. I feel like it was my fault and that I should blame myself.

Thanks for letting me vent.

[Sam W]

Hi Jaclyn,

I'm so sorry that this has been an ongoing thing he's doing. Before I say anything else, I want you to know that the fault for what happened is with him, not with you. He chose to keep pestering you about this, chose to take the condom off at least once (I can't say for certain that's what happened there because I wasn't in the room, but given his behavior and how condoms work, the likeliest option is he took it off when you weren't looking), and chose to threaten a break-up in order to coerce you into doing something he KNEW you didn't want. A respectful partner would be looking for enthusiastic consent, not pressuring you until you give in, which tells me he may not be a safe partner for you to be with, period.

Given how he's not respecting your needs and boundaries, and the fact that it sounds like the prospect of being sexual again with him is causing you dread (I'm assuming your fears about your birthday are because you think he'll expect sex then, but please correct me if it's actually something else) how do you feel about setting a limit where you and he are never alone together?

How could we best support you right now? Would it be helpful just to have some space to process your feelings around this? Talk about ways to expand your support around this? Something else?

I do want to check really quickly: are you on a back-up method of birth control? And are you and he up to date on your STI tests?

[jaclyn_mouse03]

I'm on no other kind of birth control. I am sure i'm okay, but honestly im doing my best on not thinking about it. I did go to walgreens on monday for that plan b pill but it wasn't on the shelf and I had absolutely no courage on going to the counter and asking for it. No way am I asking my mom for help. Im sure im okay, he didn't orgasm in me or anything.

I have no idea about std's. I know im okay, and I never noticed anything wrong with him. He is 17, very athletic, takes good care of himself. Im 15, athletic, and I do the same. Only been with 2 other guys, one in January of last year and one in the summer, had no problems, used condoms for both.

And I know that condom didn't roll off, I just didn't want problems. Not interested in my friends asking me why i'm not seeing him anymore and not interested in him telling friends what happened and not interested in my parents asking if something bad happened. I was just doing my best on acting like it was okay and that it was an accident.

He was planning on taking me to the coast for my 16th birthday. My mom was already okay with it.

As for limits I feel like he would just find another girl. But maybe that would be a good thing.

Right now im just happy I got a reply. That is support enough. Im just seriously bummed out! Honestly just wishing I was still a virgin, lol!

[Sam W]

Okay, I'm going to address the health things first, and then touch on the other stuff. For the record, I'm not saying any of this to freak you out or add stress, but I want you to have the information you need. Unprotected sex always poses a risk of pregnancy, even if ejaculation doesn't occur. Even if it's only for a minute or two. Right now you're looking at having the level of protection offered by withdrawal from those incidents: Withdrawal . As for STIs, if you and he haven't been tested there is no way to know your status, as the most common STIs often don't show symptoms. Someone can be athletic or otherwise healthy and still pick one up or transmit one to partner, just like you could be an athletic person, get a cold, and transmit that to someone. If you want, we can talk about next steps (you're right up against the 72 hour window for Plan B, so we could troubleshoot how to get it, but time is short) in terms of those risks.

I have to say, what you're describing doesn't sounds like a pretty crummy relationship (I'm sure it has its good points, as most relationships do). For instance, you mention trying to laugh and play off limits as a joke; in a healthy relationship where you feel safe and comfortable, that simply isn't necessary. You just say what you're not comfortable with, knowing that the other person won't be mad, or upset (or if they are they won't make you deal with those feelings). Ditto feeling like you can't set limits with him because you think he'll just leave. You deserve to be with a partner who doesn't leave you feeling like they'll dump you as soon as you set a limit or do something that isn't exactly what they want.

You're also describing a partner who is engaging in reproductive coercion in a lot of ways: Reproductive Coercion: The Intimate Partner Violence You Might Be Overlooking . Some of the language I, and that article, use may feel pretty strong, and you don't have to feel comfortable with it right away, but I want you to have those definitions.

I would strongly advise you not go on that trip with him, because it sounds like you're anxious about it for good reason: he'll have you by yourself after demonstrating that he's willing to pressure and coerce you into doing sexual things that you don't want and that put you at risk, and honestly it doesn't sound like a safe situation for you. Do you feel comfortable calling that off? If not, what would need to change for you to feel okay doing that?

Too, with the worries about friends or family asking why things ended, know that you don't have to give them details if you don't want to. You can be as vague as "we just couldn't agree on things" and still be telling the truth. Do you have any close friends who you feel you could open up to about this, even in the most general way?

[jaclyn_mouse03]

what a week

First, I got the Plan B One Step pill yesterday. I contacted a friend and just told her that I needed some help and we ended up hitting a few places together before we found it. She is a family friend and a mother, and surprisingly she was very helpful with doing what she could me. Not sure if I am happy with myself for asking her for help but I guess I should be happy. I didn't give her any details or anything, and my guess is that she is thinking that I am not taking care of myself the way I should be. Does that make sense?

I took the pill yesterday. I feel okay. It's just strange knowing that I took it. I feel like I am somehow this little lost victim and that I am just now dealing with the consequences. I feel like I am on my own when I know it wasn't really my fault. I feel like I should have known better.

Anyway, from what I read the pill doesn't really do me any good. I had unproteted sex three times over the last two weeks. The first time was just nothing honestly, but the second time was maybe a few minutes BUT I DIDN"T KNOW about it until I sorta figured it out.

I don't feel like i'm pregnant, but I don't know. And saying that P word is just beyond frightening. How crazy that would be! uuuugggghhhh!!!!!!!

And I am obviously calling it off with this boy. Not happy with all of this anyway. I haven't replied to his text since new years, and he basically already forgot about me as I havent heard anything since. I don't plan on telling him anything about this pill, it would just make it worse.

And can I add that I am okay. Im not showing my frustration with anybody, I just look normal as usual, lol! But everything about this feels so very very very very very wrong. I guess just the idea that I had unprotected sex just has sorta mentally hit me in a way, the idea that I had no condom between us. I just feel sick thinking about it. I wish I could just turn back time and never had sex to begin with! My best friend lost her virginity before me and I just felt like I should do it next. DUMB I know. The boy I did it with with last year was a good friend, still is, and now everytime I see him at school I just feel like I am nothing but a check mark for him. I was with another boy in the summer but he was from another high school and I never did see him after that.

Maybe I should just have a big red dot on my forehead. That would work.

It's 4:15am here. I must sleep.

[Siân]

Hi Jaclyn,

This is all so hard and stressful, I'm sorry. For what it's worth I think you're making really good decisions to look after yourself right now. Calling someone you trust for support, and ending things with this guy can't have been easy, but they show a lot of courage and taking responsibility. I can't speak for your family friend but I think you *are* taking care of yourself right now. Calling her was a part of that.

With the health stuff, the the best thing to do is wait a couple of weeks and then take a pregnancy test and see if you can get an STI checkup. Do those sound doable?

In the meantime, this is a good time for some self-care. It sounds like you have a whole bunch of feelings to process right now - which is totally understandable! I want to reiterate what Sam said: the blame lies squarely with him here. He pressured and coerced you even though you clearly and repeatedly said you didn't want to have unprotected sex. I know how easy it is to feel guilty or blame yourself and think "what if.." but you don't need to. What helps you process when you've got a big tangle of thoughts and feelings like this? For some people it's journalling, or art, for others it's a long walk or workout. What helps you?

[jaclyn_mouse03]

Thanks Sian for those kind words.

I seriously don't want to think about a pregnancy test. I just cant imagine taking a test like that. the WHAT IF of it all! I honestly thought I was okay as he never did orgasm in me but from what I read I guess it's a possible chance. Now im thinking that I could have gotten pregnant on Christmas, and that was 2 weeks ago. It's best that I just don't think about it, but now its impossibe.

For STD/STI i'll worry about that after this other issue.

[Robin]

It's totally understandable that this would feel unreal, and that it feels easier and safer not to think about it - that thinking about buying and using a pregnancy test makes it all feel too real.

Unfortunately, and I am so very much not trying to be mean here, not thinking about something doesn't make it go away. Also, if you take a pregnancy test when it's time to take one (2 to 3 weeks after the last time of unprotected intercourse) you'll know for sure.

Would you like us to give you some more information about testing for pregnancy and STIs?

How are you doing with taking care of yourself? Do you have any ways you normally like to do self-care?

[Heather]

I just want to poke my nose in to remind you of something, jaclyn_mouse, because it seems liek you're really struggling it.

That's this: your sexual history has ZERO impact on your value as a person. Having sex hasn't changed your value. The way things have gone sexually for you also hasn't changed your value. You started out a person of value, and you have not diminished in value in any way. I know there's a lot in culture -- especially certain kinds of religious culture -- that suggest something different (and go figure, almost entirely only for women), but please know that those ideas are not rooted in anything good, and their primary basis lays in things like a very long history of misogyny, power and control over people (again, mostly women), fear and ignorance.

You are a person of great value, and just as is the case for everyone else, the fact that you have had sex has not changed that even the littlest bit. If anyone, including anyone you have slept with, isn't treating you that way -- and I'm so sorry they haven't been, because it is so awful when people do that to us -- that tells us something about them and THEIR value, but not you or yours. <3

[jaclyn_mouse03]

I just wanna say that I got my period! Never ever ever thought I would be soooooo happy saying that! Just beyond happy on not having something happen. I seriously wasn't sure what I would do if it happened.

As for "the guy" I am done with him. I told friends that it didn't work out. My mom asked me if anything happened and I said no.

I wanna add something else on here but I will be posting it on a different section.

And I did read all the replies. Thanks. As for STI's I'll just worry about that down the road. So far i'm okay, not interested in making myself worry again!

[Sam W]

Glad to see you again jaclyn! And a big, long-distance high five for ending a relationship that was no good for you!

If you have any questions about STIs or testing when you decide to look into it, we'll be more than happy to help you out with them.