is something wrong with me?

[Danni]

Okay first, hi I'm Danni I'm 16 and I'm new here. I've been with my bf for pretty much exactly a year now, we have sex and both enjoy it and I really love him, but more recently I've wanted and enjoyed being hit during sex. He doesn't want to hurt me or anything and is really careful but I really like to have him slap me not just on my body but my face too. My problem is I feel bad about it and don't even know why I like it, I know I shouldn't. I'm trying to figure out what's wrong with me that makes me like this? I know its not normal.

[Johanna]

Hi Danni, welcome to Scarleteen!

Good news: I can assure you that there is nothing wrong with you. Plenty of people enjoy the things you describe, and that is perfectly alright.

But I hear you saying that you feel bad, and like there is something wrong with you. Let's talk about that. Do you know where those feelings come from, why you feel this way?

[Danni]

Thank you. I just feel like it's not something I should want or like. It just seems sort of wrong I guess.

[Mo]

I think it's understandable to feel conflicted about liking something in the context of sex or an intimate relationship that would be scary or inappropriate in other situations, or that you know other people wouldn't enjoy. But sexual tastes vary, and what you like isn't something you can really control. As long as you and your boyfriend are communicating about this, and you both feel comfortable with it, it really is ok.
It's not always possible to pin down why certain activities during or surrounding sex feel good. You might be able to spend some time reflecting on this, and come up with some feelings that come out during hitting or slapping that make the picture a bit clearer for you, but if you can't? That's all right too. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, or that something happened to "make" you this way.

[Danni]

I guess it just confuses me why I like it. Its not every time, just sometimes when I like to be hit and held down and stuff. Me and my bf talked about it before and he said he liked it but he's just scared of hurting me or anything. I guess it kind of worried me because I have a bit of a history with self harm (I've been clean for nearly a year, with my bf's help also) but I really don't think it's related to that at all. I'm just sort of confused

[Emma]

Danni, if you don't think it's related at all, I wouldn't worry at all! I don't think you should try to find meaning in your sexual likes/dislikes when they may just be that: preferences. It sounds like you are in a relationship in which you can comfortably communicate with your partner and feel safe with him, which is great--you're allowed to separate the way your relationship works in day-to-day life with the physical aspect of your sex life, which will change as you experience new things!

[Danni]

Well I guess I'll try not to think about it like that so much, thanks everyone, and sorry for taking up your time

[Emma]

Don't be sorry--we are here to help!

[Heather]

I also want to check in on one thing with you: you say you like this sometimes.

So, those times, are you feeling good about any of this then? In other words, is the feeling weird/bad/wrong about it only happening when it is not something you are doing? Or even when you're doing any of this -- and asking for it expressly -- are you also feeling bad about it at the time, or at that time, does it feel very right for you?

[Danni]

When we do it I really like it, it's just really when I think about it after or just when not doing it and have a chance to think about it that I question it sort of.

[Heather]

Okay. I just wanted to check in about that, because I'd say, no matter what we're talking about sexually, on of the easiest ways for us to identify if something really IS right or wrong for us is how it feels when we want it and when we're in it.

So, if when you're doing this, you and your boyfriend both feel really right about it, you can know it's something that is okay, and right, for you and who you are.

Do you feel like you know much about other people -- not just you -- who like this kind of sexual activity and dynamic? If not, it might be helpful to you to look at more about this topic, and I'd be happy to give you some links and resources.

[Danni]

I really dont know much of anything about this, which I guess maybe would help.

[Heather]

Okay. So, here on the site, these pieces might come in handy:
• Working the Kinks Out
• http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advic ... a_feminist
• http://www.scarleteen.com/blog/joey/201 ... _and_abuse
• http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advic ... t_for_real

[Danni]

Thank you, I'll read those.