Dealing with Being Bisexual

[Nonsequitur]

I’ve neen identifying with being bisexual for about 5 years.
When I started entering puberty, I’ve started to feel sexually-awakened by women. This is way before I’ve begun to have interest in boys.
I’ve been in a “straight” relationship for quite sometime. I’ve been dating my boyfriend and we’re been doing great. I honestly love being with him.
Though, with being in a committed relationship, it haunts me that I’ll never experience being with a woman— romantically and physically.
Before you suggest that I should think about having a threesome or an open relationship— I have no interest in that.
I’m an emotionally-driven person, and I feel like a non-monogamous relationship doesn’t fulfill the validation for my feelings and desires.
So, the question is, how do I fulfill the desire of wanting something that I cannot have?
How do I have fulfilling fantasies that satisfy the need of being with a girl?
It’s a mystery.

[Heather]

It sounds to me like you're saying that because you are in a monogamous relationship with a guy right now that = you never being with anyone else, including a woman.I'm not sure why you're thinking like that, though.

I'll be really frank: It's really unusual for any relationship, at any age, to be monogamous and ongoing as a monogamous, sexual/romantic relationship for a whole lifetime. Heck, it's most common for those relationships to only last a few years to a couple decades, often considerably less the younger a person is. At your age, chances are very good that the longest you'll be in what you are now...well, won't be for very long as this kind of relationship. Probably anywhere from a few months to a few years, statistically-speaking.

So, for one, this relationship likely isn't going to keep you from that, because what will probably happen with it is what happens with most relationships at this time of life, which is that it will run its course and probably one or both of you will outgrow it because so much growing and changing just happens in these years. That's not about this being sucky: that happens all the time even when relationships are earnestly very good for everyone involved.

But it sounds like right now, this IS the relationship you want to be in, like you like being in it, and that you don't want to be with anyone else. It sounds like what has you so bummed isn't wanting to be with someone else, but the idea you won't ever be, which I suggest you dump. It's just not realistic, and why get yourself so upset over something that just isn't likely to be a real problem, you know?

But I also feel confused because you finish talking about a "need" to be with a girl, and fantasies not leaving you satisfied, which sounds like you perhaps DO want to be with someone else. Can you say a little more about that so I can try and more fully understand?

[pianolover]

Have you talked to your partner? That might help ease some your thoughts and stress on the situation. Also it's completely normal to have these thoughts, I used to have them when I was in a relationship with a boy. I had fear of not being with anyone ever again, it kind of made me feel trapped and resent the person I was in a relationship with. I had thoughts what it would be like of having a relationship with a girl and not just sex but the full package. Person above said being young like in our teens to early 20's and even all ages are growing and learning who we are; and things about us change. There is not a straight forward answer. To satisfy those fantasies is maybe to realize they're just fantasizes and focus on what is real, most of the time thoughts are not real. And to remind yourself of the things you do have and what you're grateful of everyday because it is a mission and a mystery to work with our mind.

[LampShade]

Hey there!
I noticed in your question that you referred to your relationship as "straight". That stuck out to me because words are very powerful! You'd said you've been identifying as bisexual for a few years now, and it sounds like you're comfortable with that identity. I wonder if you found ways to acknowledge your bisexuality as part of your relationship with your boyfriend, would it feel less like you're missing out on something?

Just because you're in a relationship that passes as "straight" doesn't mean that that part of you goes away! Are there ways you could make bisexuality a bigger part of your relationship? Off the top of my head I've listed some ideas below, but I'm sure you could communicate with your partner if this is something you wanted to think about together.

- Describe your relationship as "straight passing" (if you feel like "straight" erases your sexuality!)
- You could ask your partner to describe what it's like to be with you, and in a way almost live vicariously through him (this might be especially cool because you'd learn more about how he sees you)
- If this is something you want to bring into your sexuality, you could explore erotic materials with your partner that are relevant to both of your sexualities.
- Do you attend queer-centric events or activities? If that's something that would be safe for you to do in your community, you could bring your partner with you!

It sounds like you're really happy being with your partner, and that's an amazing. I think if you could communicate and find ways to explore sexuality within your relationship, that might be a way to work through that feeling of "wanting something you can't have".

[Heather]

(Nice additions, LampShade! Thanks for those! )