Dating and depression

[Charlie57]

Hello everyone,
I have been seeing a guy for a little while who is struggling with depression, and has been since before we started seeing each other. Depression itself is not uncharted territory for me, as I grew up in a household where my mother has always struggled with severe depression and anxiety, with bouts of better and worse, as it goes. I myself live with a mostly pretty well managed eating disorder, so let me say I understand what it feels like to not like yourself, and that your own mind can be a pretty scary old place to live. That being said, I also know that everyone's mental illnesses manifest in different ways, and everyone deals with that differently.
I knew before I started seeing (let's call him X, just for fun) that he's been doing not the greatest lately, and thought long and hard about wither or not I felt that I could handle having this in my life, and I really do believe I can. Also, I'm wicked into X. I care very, very, very deeply about him, and his well-being is really what needs to be forefront right now, since I know he's going through a really crappy phase (new meds, and insomnia and worrying about school etc). He has also never been in a relationship before, and I have been in several, one long term, most shorter, though we're both students in our early 20s. Things had been going super well, and he's amazing for being upfront about what's been going on with his mental health, which is so great.
However, the other night, he showed up at my place kind of abruptly, frantic and anxious, and said he thinks we should stop seeing each other because he doesn't want to 'drag me down' (and variations of that) and then quickly left. I was pretty blindsided by this, so I just told him he needs to do whatever is best for him right now, because I know he's dealing with a lot and it can be really scary.
However, I'm not sure if I'm just taking this out of context, but this is something my mother used to do/does a fair bit when she is in one of the 'down' periods in her illness, the whole 'I'm no good for you, I'm just making your life harder' bit, and I know with her that isn't true. She is my mother and loves me, my life is very much better with her as a part of it. But, when she's having a worse time with her depression, she feels bad for being a bit of a mess around us, and is also a bit ashamed that we see her that way, which is 100% understandable, but also does 100% NOT make me love her less.
So I'm now left kind of concerned and a bit unsure of what to do, because I'm just not quite sure what to do with X's outburst. If he doesn't want to see me anymore, or really feels he's better off if he spends more time focusing on his health instead of hanging out, this is very well and good. I want him to be happy, and getting his depression a bit more under control would definitely help that. He is, also, a very honest and straightforward person, so I do really feel that if he just wasn't 'into me' in a romantic way, he would have said that. However, I do get the feeling that this *might* stem out of him feeling crappy and worthless and undeserving of other people's care, and I'm not sure how to address it in a way that is sensitive to his feeling (like, I don't want to invalidate his opinion if he really does feel we should stop seeing each other) but also says look, I know you are stressed and anxious and feeling like crap, but I knew you were having a hard time with this before I ever got involved with you, and I want you to know that even when you feel your absolute worst, you are still deserving and needing of love and care and I am not at all afraid of being someone in your life you has those things for you, and being around you makes me super happy, and if being around me makes you happy then I think you should do it, even though I know you think you need to have yourself and your life 'in order' before you are seeing someone. Do any of us ever have ourselves or lives fully 'in order'?
So. That's a big giant long post of thought and angst, and I thoroughly apologize for how crazy it reads. It was a little bit stream of consciousness towards the end there.
Lauren

[Heather]

You know, depression, as an illness, tends to make it very hard to really see other people. It is something that really turns people inward, which is why dating when in the thick of it often is not a good idea, for anyone involved.

So, if this guy is acknowledging that, and doing what he can to take care of himself and also not do anything he just is not in the right mindset to do, I think that is a good thing - for him, for you - and not something to second guess or to try and manage for him. I would not suggest a big pitch to tell him it is okay for him to date you, because one, that is not for you to do for him in the first place, and two, like I said, in the thick of depression truly IS something that makes it very hard to manage intimate relationships.

How about just accepting the choice he made, letting him know if he needs a friend, you can be around in that capacity, and figuring if and when he does feel more able to date and wants to, he will let you know?

[Keda]

Y'know, I have to respectfully disagree with Heather on this one. If that is the decision he's made, then yeah, it sounds like you're happy to accept that and that's great. But it sounds like you're not convinced it's really a willing decision that he's made, and that you're worried he was just having a really bad day and low self-esteem made him say things that he might not mean, right?

I think the best thing to do, really, is to ask him. You can't eliminate the distorting effect of depression on his decision-making, because depression is an integral part of the way he thinks right now. But if you suspect he didn't really mean it, then I think it would be good to let him know that, while you respect any decision he makes, if he said what he did out of self-hatred and not a sense of what would be good for him right now, you're happy for him to take some time (and space if needed) to think it over and make a more balanced decision, if that's what he wants to do. To just give him permission to go back on his words, if that's what he wants, without feeling embarrassed or mean. Of course he might still decide to end the relationship, but it could be a more reasoned decision, if he feels that what he said before was impulsive.

[AvocadoLime]

I mostly agree with Heather. It feels like asking him 'is that really what you meant?' is stepping into parenting/therapist territory, not partner territory, to me. And if somebody said that to me I might very well feel like they thought they knew me better than myself and that would not be cool.

However, I do think it is very fair to say to him, once,

"When you said you wanted to end our relationship yesterday, you said it was because you didn't want to drag me down and you think that you're doing me a favor to stay away. I need you to let me decide what I can and cannot deal with. If you want to end the relationship, then that is sad for me but also ok, but please do so because you need to for you. Not because of what you imagine I feel."

and see what he says. That will clarify the situation without questioning his own opinion. If he changes his mind and does not want to end things, but this becomes a habit, I also think it is totally fair for you to say "when you are upset I understand that you feel awful but I need you to say 'I feel awful right now and need some time alone.' or something, not say that you're ending our relationship because it hurts and is confusing with all this mind changing." Of course, you are also within your rights to end it at any time just because you want to, too.

[Charlie57]

I want to thank AvocadoLime for getting the most accurately to where I'm coming from. I 100% agree that 'is that really what you meant' is the wrong thing to say, and I am not a therapist, and I am not a parent, and I am not him, so I have to trust that he knows what he means. I also don't want to be managing someone for them, and I do really think there's room here for me to be absolutely respectful of what he said and allowing that to just stand if he wants it to, while still letting him know that he doesn't have to be afraid of having me in his life even when his mind is in a not great place.
'I don't think we should see each other because I'm not well enough to feel good about a relationship right now' is something I am ok with
'I don't think we should see each other because I am too busy with my health stuff' is also totally ok
'I don't think I can handle a romantic thing right now because reasons' is also ok
'I don't want to see you any more because I just don't want to' is also something I can live with
'I don't think we should see each other because I think you'd be better off without me' is a heck of a lot less ok with me.

[Keda]

I didn't mean to suggest you should second guess his decision, but I was a little concerned that "You know, I'm actually not better off without you" would sound a bit like "...so you're wrong and we should stay together", which is definitely not what you want to communicate. That's why I sort of skated over reasons entirely - because I don't want to suggest judging the validity of his reasons for him, you know? But it does still have that air of "Maybe you're wrong" about it, I agree.

[Charlie57]

I think what I've decided to do is just talk about him saying 'you're better off without me', and how as someone who cares, lots, about him, that's something I don't feel is true FOR ME, as in, I really enjoy spending time with him, and I'm more than happy to just do that and not have any kind of romantic relationship, if that's what he's feeling best about, but I don't think that me just going 'k bye' out of his life is better for me. Also, how from the perspective of someone who's trying really hard to be supportive of someone working to find a better headspace, 'you're better off without me' is also a scary thing to hear, so that's maybe why I was a bit overwhelmed by this outburst.
That being said, I know he's taking some time away from school next semester, which is over in a few weeks, and maybe if he's feeling better about it then, we can revisit the idea of seeing each other, when he has a bit less on his plate, if that's something he's still interested in then.
I've realized in the few days since he said he doesn't think we should see each other, but should instead just be friends, that I don't understand the way he differentiates these things as well as I thought. Honestly it seems like not much has changed, and we hadn't being partaking in much physical intimacy at this point, and that's ok with me, and I'm wondering if since he hasn't got any prior experience in relationships and tends to have very high standards for himself, he was putting some pressure on himself to develop a relationship out of this that I wasn't even aware of.

[Charlie57]

Quick update, in case anyone is following
We had a good chat about how his desire to not 'drag people down this path' is very caring, because he doesn't want to put the people he cares about through a hard thing, and yes, being in his life right at this moment might be a little harder, but that's ok, and the friends and family that are sticking around know that it might not be the easiest but we are sticking around because our care for him WAY outweighs that extra difficulty. It was a good conversation to have and I feel pretty sure that I did the best thing I could have here, and he did thank me for being honest and real (which is nice to hear, because I think I've been not the most honest and open for some of my life and am working hard at that).
Also, I didn't broach the relationship idea, because I feel right now, that we both know there's mutual attraction, but he's having a hard time, and I'm content to just be here in his life and be someone he can be honest and open with, and leave going back into "relationship" territory up to him right now.
All and all, feeling as good as I can about it, and if nothing else I've definitely got an awesome friend, and if someday we both want to make more of that, that would be so great, but if not, that's ok too.

[Keda]

I'm glad it seems to be working out. It's definitely a tough position to be in - as you can see from everyone's differing opinions! - but it sounds like you've handled it very positively, plus, yay for you both ending up with a wonderful friend.

[Heather]

Thanks for sharing the outcome with us, sounds like it went really well!