Question

[Sunny1234]

Hello,
I have been having problems with my boyfriend because of my lack of communication with him. I had been traumatic experience in the past and so I feel difficult to have sex with him. At first I thought I would be ok starting to do these things again as a couple of years passed so we started to have sex again but as time passed I realised that i was not ok and had been suppressing my feelings as I wanted to make my boyfriend happy. I would tell him that its ok but subconsciously i was not and repeating this has been really difficult emotionally and mentally draining. After realising this, i tried to communicate but I don't know how to without disappointing or upsetting him. He tells me that i look uncomfortable and I look scared so I was hoping that he would just stop on his own without me having to say anything which I know is not fair for me to think and want.I don't know how to feel ok whilst having sex and I think that this is the solution to our problem. Do you have any advice on how to move on from assault in the past? My friend says that she doesn't think its fair of me to bring my past into the relationship and I agree. How do i do this?...

[Sam W]

Hi Sunny1234,

I'm so sorry that you've experienced trauma and that it's continuing to have an effect on your relationship. I'm going to have to disagree with your friend a bit; carrying trauma from one relationship into another isn't something we can simply stop doing because it's not pleasant for us or a partner to continue dealing with it. Trauma takes time to heal from, and can crop up even when we're trying to make it go away. You're not having trauma-based reactions to be unfair to your boyfriend, you're having them because something traumatic happened. So, as much as you can, try not to put pressure on yourself to heal quicker than you are out of a sense of fairness to your partner.

We can certainly give you some resources on healing sexually as a survivor, but right now it sounds like the priority is telling your boyfriend what's going on and that you need to hit the brakes on sexual stuff for awhile. What if you told hm a version of what you've said to us here? That is, you thought you were in an okay place for sex, but it turns out that's not the case and it's actually really draining to you. How do you think that conversation would go?

As an aside, if he's noticing you're looking scared, is he saying that in the moment and checking in on you? Or does he only mention it after sex?

[Sunny1234]

I understand its something I can't control but I can't seem to not feel bad for bringing my past in the relationship. I talked to him yesterday night about this and it seemed like he understood but this morning he asked if we could do it again. I should have been able to just say no but I don't know why but i said yes. Its stupid that i can't just vocalise my thoughts and that's why I know this is my fault.

In regards to him noticing, he asks before and after. He sometimes gets upset that I looked scared and uncomfortable during sex and says it seems like he only enjoys it and seeing me like that affects him. I wish that i could not show that i'm uncomfortable..

[Sam W]

Before we get into the other pieces of this, can I ask what kind of support you've gotten/are getting around the trauma you experienced? For instance, did you access any survivors resources?

I hear you blaming yourself a lot in your posts, but I want you to know that what's going on isn't a sign that you're stupid or that this is your fault. It makes sense to feel bad for bringing what you view as something negative into the relationship (even if we understand things aren't our fault, it can be harder to convince ourselves of that on an emotional level). Something that may help you think about it differently is that no one enters a relationship with a blank slate; everyone, your boyfriend included, carries things from one relationship to another. It's how people to choose to deal (or not deal) with their past and the past of their partner that has the biggest influence.

We can talk about some common reasons why people say yes to sex they don't want if understanding why you might have done that would help you feel better. But what concerns me about that situation is more that you talked to him about this last night and then the next morning he turned around and asked you to have sex. I can't know why he did it, but it suggests that he's still inclined to prioritize his desire for sex over the things you told him. I mean, had your positions been reversed, would you have asked him to have sex the morning after he confided in you about the issues it was bringing up for him?

And, to make sure I'm understanding you right, he mentions your discomfort before and after sex but not when he notices it during the sex itself? And, in spite of him noticing it, he doesn't stop?

[Sunny1234]

I haven't really reached for any support as I thought I was ok and dealt with the past therefore I started being in a relationship with him. In regards to him asking for sex I think his attitude in the way he asked has changed. Previously we would just always have sex no questions asked but now he seems more careful in asking? He notices my discomfort during sex but asks if I'm ok after. He says that it's hard for him to stop halfway through so I just wait till he finishes usually.

[Heather]

If it's hard for him to stop with sex at ANY TIME with a partner, then he isn't ready to be having sex with partners, honestly. It actually is not hard to stop anything we are doing -- whatever our gender --- when we have the care and maturity people need in the most basic way to ready to be having sex with other people.

So, either he's telling the truth and he is way not ready for this, in which case I think you should have a very big think about continuing to choose to be sexual with someone who just isn't ready yet, especially as a trauma survivor (but tbh, even if you weren't one), OR he's just saying that because he does not WANT to stop, which is even worse, and which IMO, is a big red flag this person is not safe to be intimate with, period.

Can you drum up the courage to have a talk with him about all of this, including telling him that he does need to be able to stop, that it's actually coercive (it is) to say things to you like it's hard for him to stop, and things like that make it harder for the other person to ASK him to stop, and to be honest that you haven't actually been okay?

Honestly, my instincts say that it probably isn't a good idea for you two to stay in a sexual relationship, for a bunch of reasons, and the smartest talk, and the one in the best interest of your well-being, would be to talk about not being together in that way anymore. You obviously don't feel comfortable setting and holding limits with this person, and I'm not surprised, because they don't sound like they make it easy. I also don't hear anything in here that even says you enjoy your sexual life with this person (do you?): it sounds like you mostly have sex with him because it's what he wants: I don't hear you talking at all about any real desire you have to be sexual with him outside of that.

That said, what we want is to help you get what YOU want, and what is right for you, so this is ultimately up to you, and we'll help based on what you tell us you want when it comes to our help. <3