My changing views on sex & masturbation

[Tommy, Tommy]

Hi,

For context, these are some other questions/ discussions I’ve had on the subjects on this site.

http://www.scarleteen.com/bb/viewtopic. ... 416#p38416

http://www.scarleteen.com/bb/viewtopic. ... 204#p39204

For years, I have grappled with whatever I should masturbation, I have finally made up my mind tonight, I will stop feeling shame when I masturbation. I am still a Christian, but no longer identify as Catholic. I am not a practicing Catholic no longer. A year ago, I thought masturbation was wrong, and felt shame when I masturbation. I have accepted that part of my sexuality. My parents are fine with sex before marriage, but for some reason, my mom doesn’t agree with masturbation, she disagrees with that.

On sex before marriage, I am still grappling with that. 2 years ago, I thought sex before marriage was great, but then I became a devout Catholic and changed that view to believe that was wrong, and now that I have left the Catholic Church, I am questioning my views once again, on whatever sex before marriage is wrong.

Advice, now that I have left the Catholic Church?

Also, My Community may not accept my new decision to leave.

[Mo]

Have you seen any of the articles in our Impurity Culture series we've started lately? This one, that addresses questions about premarital sex from someone who's Catholic, might be helpful to read: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advic ... d_is_wrong There's really no one but you who can determine how you feel about masturbation or partnered sex and where they fit into your ideas of what's ethical or not, but it's ok to take your time in answering those questions for yourself.

One thing I'll note though, is that you say you've made a decision not to feel shame for masturbating, but sometimes those feelings can linger even after we've decided we don't want to feel them. If you do notice shame or mixed feelings after masturbating for a while yet, it doesn't mean you're failing or doing it wrong; it just means you're still in the process of adjusting your perspective on masturbation.

[Tommy, Tommy]

Thanks, I have a few more questions, and thoughts.

is there anyone in my community who I can talk this over with?

[Tommy, Tommy]

Have you seen any of the articles in our Impurity Culture series we've started lately? This one, that addresses questions about premarital sex from someone who's Catholic, might be helpful to read: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advic ... d_is_wrong There's really no one but you who can determine how you feel about masturbation or partnered sex and where they fit into your ideas of what's ethical or not, but it's ok to take your time in answering those questions for yourself.

One thing I'll note though, is that you say you've made a decision not to feel shame for masturbating, but sometimes those feelings can linger even after we've decided we don't want to feel them. If you do notice shame or mixed feelings after masturbating for a while yet, it doesn't mean you're failing or doing it wrong; it just means you're still in the process of adjusting your perspective on masturbation.

I am a former Catholic, any advice on how to deal with shame from past sexual teachings, basically, I am still trying to come to grips with my upbringing.

Also, How Can I forgive my self for past sexual experiences?

[Sam W]

Hi Tommy, Tommy,

With finding someone in your community to talk to about this, would it be helpful for it to be a person who has, or had, a Catholic background who holds more progressive views on sex? And while you've left Catholicism, is a more general, Christian faith still an important part of your life that you want to be able to live alongside your views on things like sex and masturbation?

As for moving past shame, I really like these recommendations from the piece Mo linked to: "If you want to do some research about sex-positive Christian sexual ethics that will help you educate yourself and others as you have these conversations with people in your family and faith community, you can start with books like A Lily Among the Thorns and Liberating Sexuality by Miguel A. De La Torre, Good Christian Sex by Bromleigh McCleneghan, and Damaged Goods by Dianna Anderson."

Too, would it be helpful to talk about ways you could reframe how you're thinking about your past so that you see it less as something you need forgiveness for?

[Tommy, Tommy]

Hi Tommy, Tommy,

With finding someone in your community to talk to about this, would it be helpful for it to be a person who has, or had, a Catholic background who holds more progressive views on sex? And while you've left Catholicism, is a more general, Christian faith still an important part of your life that you want to be able to live alongside your views on things like sex and masturbation?

As for moving past shame, I really like these recommendations from the piece Mo linked to: "If you want to do some research about sex-positive Christian sexual ethics that will help you educate yourself and others as you have these conversations with people in your family and faith community, you can start with books like A Lily Among the Thorns and Liberating Sexuality by Miguel A. De La Torre, Good Christian Sex by Bromleigh McCleneghan, and Damaged Goods by Dianna Anderson."

Too, would it be helpful to talk about ways you could reframe how you're thinking about your past so that you see it less as something you need forgiveness for?

Advice on ways I could reframe my thinking to help me forgive myself?

[Heather]

How about we start with this: what do you think you need to be forgiven -- to forgive yourself -- for?

[Tommy, Tommy]

How about we start with this: what do you think you need to be forgiven -- to forgive yourself -- for?

I need to be forgiven for dry humping. I also made out with her, and dry humped her.

Also, will I get into trouble with the cops for posting that above comment?

[Sam W]

It looks like Sian already answered this in a separate post, but just in case: No, it's not illegal to post about consensual sexual activities.

Since it's self-forgiveness you're after for those activities, what if you simply started by thinking of it like this: "I made the choice to do these things in the past, and those choices don't automatically make me a bad person." Or, alternately, what would happen if you tried thinking of those sexual activities as things that didn't require forgiveness?

If you haven't read it yet, I suggest taking a look at this article and the steps the author outlines for undoing sexual shame: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/polit ... xual_shame . Is there a step in that article that matches where you feel you're at right now? And are there steps that you feel might be tricky for you?

[Heather]

I'm going to suggest something for you to consider: because no one engaging in mutually wanted consensual sex is doing anything wrong, there's nothing to forgive yourself for with this in the first place.

I understand that some people or religions say so, but I would posit that you consider they're wrong, and that most of that messaging historically comes from a place of fear, hypocrisy and control, not a place of love, care, humanity or wisdom. I would suggest you consider that mutually wanted consensual sex is exactly like a mutually wanted meal people make and eat together and do to enjoy the experience and nourish one another. Or like a mutually wanted, consensual hike in the woods together. Or a mutually wanted, consensual hug.

I don't think you need to be forgiven for this, and I'd suggest that you at least think about that as a possibility. And if you are going to put emotional energy into looking to forgive yourself for things, perhaps a better and sounder choice here might be to forgive yourself for making yourself suffer about this. <3

[coolcats222]

apologies to butt-in -

"And if you are going to put emotional energy into looking to forgive yourself for things, perhaps a better and sounder choice here might be to forgive yourself for making yourself suffer about this. <3" - lovely and very well-said. I really like hearing this message TODAY Heather! Thank you