I asked my mum for a vibrator... it didn’t go well

[280204]

So I’m 14 and I’ve been masturbating for awhile now, because of this I feel i’m ready to try a vibrator. Me and my mum are pretty open with each other and I can always talk to her, so I had no problem asking. The answer my mum gave wasn’t what I was expecting, she told me not until I start having sex. She went onto explain that she’s worried I wouldn’t be able to orgasm with a partner. This goes against every article I read and all my research, so I’m at a bit of a loss.

[al]

Hi there 28024, and welcome to Scarleteen!

I'm sorry to hear that your mom wasn't supportive when you brought it up to her - were you able to have a conversation about it at all, or did it seem like she was being more dismissive (like, "my decision is final!"). Would it be possible to ask where that understanding came from, or show her the research that you've found? (Our founder Heather breaks down a lot of these misconceptions over in Do Vibrators Cause A Loss of Sensitivity?. There are more links to research in there as well!)

I also wonder if it might be helpful to say a bit of what you've said here about how you've always been able to go to her before, and that you trust her. Sometimes parents get kind of stuck viewing their children through this weird-asexual-"you're-a-child" lens, and they get nervous when their kids speak up about what they consider to be "grown-up" needs. If you were to come back to her in a very adult and responsible way (which I think you've done already, actually) and state why you asked her, how do you think that she's respond?

In the meantime, are there alternatives, such as asking a family friend or relative that you feel comfortable with? Or other ways that you could achieve what you're looking for in a vibrator? (Our article DIY Sex Toys: Self-Love Edition has some suggestions if you're looking for ideas.)

[280204]

Thank you for the reply, no she wasn’t dismissive. She actually mentioned that she may look into it, but I think that was just to please me. I may press it a little more and show her some of the pages on thise site, and some health forums I read. I just feel sadly she may not change her mind on the matter (she tends to not like being proven wrong). Thanks for the help!

[Siân]

I'm glad she wasn't dismissive. I think Al's suggestion of approaching her in an adult way with some resources might be the way to go. If she doesn't like to be "wrong" then maybe it would help to give her a bit of time before raising it again, and then showing her your research in a way that says that you appreciate her trying to look out for you, and have thought about what she said and you want to share with her this cool new information - rather than outright contradict her. What do you think?

[280204]

No need for any of that, she brought it up again this morning. I explained I had done lots of research and would like to show her some articles, she said there was no need. She told me that I’m old enough to make these choices myself, so she will not be getting involved. Whilst it’s great that she’s treating me like an adult, I get a slight sense that she’s disappointed.

[Siân]

I'm sorry that you feel like she's disappointed, it's really hard that as we grow up and start making decisions for ourselves we inevitably sometimes choose things that our families might not choose for us, or be quite ready for yet. Honestly though? I'm pretty impressed by your Mum, sounds like she's trying to process the fact you're growing up and she's going to have to let you make your own decisions. How are you feeling about this now? Anything you want to talk through?

[280204]

I mean it’s great that she’s trying to accept me growing up, I just wish I had a little support. This is the first kind of big decision I’ve made without her support, I’m not really sure how I feel.

[Siân]

I get that, it's tough. I'm glad you're reaching out to us for some additional support, having a network of different people and places we can turn to at different moments is important. Do you think your Mum knows you want her support? Do you know what that support would look like to you?

[280204]

I guess maybe I just need pointed in the right direction. I don’t know where to look for vibrators or what to look for in one.

[Sam W]

Hi 280204,

When it comes to looking for vibrators, you can usually find stores that sell them online, or by searching for vibrators or sex toys in your area on the internet. But, something to keep in mind is that your age means going to a shop may be off limits (depending on the laws in your area only people over 18 may be allowed in), and buying something online would require something like a credit card, as well as possible questions from your mom when the package arrives. Depending on which, if any, of those barriers you feel like navigating you may find that D.I.Y article Al linked you to an easier starting place.

In terms of picking a vibrator, there's no specific set of characteristics that will work for everybody. For instance, one person may really want a lot of internal stimulation, while another may want only external stimulation. If you're just starting to experiment, picking a vibrator that allows you to try different types of stimulation may be the way to go.

Beyond the question of vibrators, how are you feeling about this being a decision your getting to make on your own? Does it feel a bit like, while she's coming to terms with you growing up and into a sexual being, you may also be coming to terms with making choices she's not 100% supportive of?

[280204]

I’m going to take a few days to think it over, I think this will be a helpful learning curve. Thank you for the support, it’s been extremely helpful.

[Sam W]

Sounds like a plan, and you're so very welcome!

[INeedHelp242]

So I’m 14 and I’ve been masturbating for awhile now, because of this I feel i’m ready to try a vibrator. Me and my mum are pretty open with each other and I can always talk to her, so I had no problem asking. The answer my mum gave wasn’t what I was expecting, she told me not until I start having sex. She went onto explain that she’s worried I wouldn’t be able to orgasm with a partner. This goes against every article I read and all my research, so I’m at a bit of a loss.

Hi OP, I'm also 14 and about 10 months ago I asked my mom if I could buy a vibrator. She was so confused and shocked. It took her a while to talk to me about it again but she eventually said that I have to be 18. I don't know how to get her to understand and I don't know if I can buy one behind her back. I'd love for her to understand that it's not just me and that it's normal to have wants and needs before I'm 18.