My Partner said something that made me feel worried about her

[DArwin]

For me, the feeling of it doesn't really go away. How do you decide if feeling that way is worth it to have stayed in a relationship? And if it isn't how do you end the relationship. Then how would you decide if having relationships are worth it at all?

[DArwin]

What if my partner doesn't care or wants me to ask questions?

[Sam W]

So, that discomfort may be hard to shake at first, especially if you've previously dealt with it by asking your partner to check in or do other things where the bulk of reassuring you falls to her. Learning to self-soothe takes time and practice.

But if you're feeling that way constantly, that's a sign that something deeper is going on. It may be helpful to start out by asking yourself where those feelings are coming from. For instance, do you have trouble with trust in general? Are you carrying around some beliefs about cheating, or your own worth as a partner, that might be feeding that insecurity? Is there something about a place she goes or a person she interacts with that gives you an "off" feeling? Something else entirely?

Even if a partner was totally okay with that level of monitoring, it's not a good habit to fall into in your relationships. As mentioned already, part of being in a relationship is learning how to trust the other person and manage any insecurities we have around that. If the underlying trust issues aren't addressed and are instead papered over by something like constant checking in when one partner is out and about, odds are they'll start turning up in other ways. I really like the way Heather explains it in this article: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advic ... shes_doing

[DArwin]

whats constant checking ?

[DArwin]

what would that look like

[DArwin]

Is it wrong to want to check on your partner once a day and know what they did that day?

[Heather]

Constant checking would look like texting many times a day asking where someone is and what they're doing.

Asking someone how they're doing and what they're up to once or twice a day isn't constant checking, and that's just fine.

I think it might help to think about what the motivation is here: when you're motivated to ask after someone because you like them and just want to know about them and their life because you two are sharing your lives with each other in that way, that's fine. But if what instead is happening isn't about enjoyment, intimacy and mutual connection but about distrust or insecurity -- you don't trust them, so you're trying to keep tabs on them -- then you're entering the not-okay zone.

[DArwin]

I just enjoy talking to her a lot more than anyone else

[Heather]

That sounds pretty different than you saying you were worried she would cheat on you. So, when you're motivated to check in on her just because you like talking to her, that's one thing. But if and when it's about keeping tabs on her, that's just something else.

[DArwin]

So its normal and good that I like to talk to her. And when I only talk to her to a)relieve tension because I don't know what she doing b) I make to make sure she doesn't cheat on me c) I want to make sure that she doesn't do something I don't approve of. thats bad ? are there any other reasons I shouldn't talk to her? or to talk to her?

[Mo]

The reason to talk with her is because you like her and want to share things about your life with her! Closely monitoring or trying to control her movements or behaviors is what you want to avoid.

If you have concerns about some of her behaviors, you can talk to her about them, but the appropriate framework for that conversation would be something like "I'm concerned about [behavior] for [reason], can you talk to me a bit about why you're doing this?" and then listening to what she has to say. You don't have to approve of everything she does; it's really common for romantic partners to sometimes disagree a bit when it comes to their own behaviors and choices, and the way to handle those disagreements is to talk through that conflict and see what sort of resolution makes sense to both of you.

[DArwin]

Ok thank you

[DArwin]

So I'm doing thongs wrong and unhealthy in my relationship

[DArwin]

how do you decide if you should be in a relationship or if you should break up and stay single?

[Sam W]

So, realizing you may be developing some not great habits in a relationship doesn't automatically mean you need to break up. If you're referring specifically to checking in on her to monitor her because you're worried about cheating, Heather and I mentioned some ways you could start addressing that. Is that the situation you're basing your statement on?

If you're looking for tools to evaluate whether you should stay in a given relationship, these two articles are really great starting points: Potholes & Dead Ends: Relationship Roadblocks to Look Out For
Should I Stay or Should I Go? . Looking at those articles, are there things that jump out at you?

[DArwin]

Hello, Thank you for the reading material. Nothing, in particular, jumps out at me. I feel pretty good and satisfied I just have to keep working on it?

[DArwin]

Yes definitely need to keep working on it

[DArwin]

I do have one question, can jealous be projected on to someone. Like for instance if I feel guilty for looking at other people sexual besides my partner, with no intentions or wants to ever be with them in any way, could I think that my partner is doing the same and that could be a cause of jealousy?

[DArwin]

Am I asking too many questions?

[pianolover]

I'm not sure what you're asking when you say how long its supposed to stay? But if you're talking about the discomfort, its different for everyone. Jacob said allowing yourself to be with those feelings can help you deal with them in a healthy way. It gets better being with your emotions when you can be with them and deal with them in the moment. I believe it will help you, relationships, and any situation that presents you with discomfort.

[DArwin]

yes it has thank you

[Siân]

We're here to answer your questions! Ask away. In answer to your question about projecting jealousy, it sounds like something that happens quite frequently. The important thing here is that these are YOUR feelings to have and to work through, and it's not your partners job to "fix" them and make them go away.

It's also worth remembering that it's totally normal to notice people you find attractive (whether you're in a relationship or not) but noticing is very different from doing anything about it. Like Heather said in the article Sam shared, we think can think about other people but that's not cheating, even if we're in an exclusive relationship. You notice someone and you choose to be faithful to your partner, and it's those actions that are important.

Learning to trust can take some time, but it's essential to a healthy relationship. Part of trust is accepting that if you have agreed to be exclusive with a partner they will honour that agreement - and not asking them to prove it again and again. Does that make sense?

[DArwin]

yes it does thank you

[DArwin]

I feel much better now and have been doing exercises in a relationship book and going to therapy