I need help...

[Idontknow13]

Im writting bc i have a huge problem. I was diagnosed with HIV 2 weeks ago. I already started medication. I told my partner and he doesnt want to talk to me anymore, i tried to talk to him and explain everything but he just said i was a lier and i was selfish and irresponsable. I tried to explain myself and told him i really didnt know but he doesnt believe me and he hates me now. He blocked me... i feel really hurt bc this happpened, i didnt want to hurt him in any way... i feel bad for breaking him and yesterday i got a phone call from the hospital saying i got another STI. Im going to the doctor today but what really hurts me the most its how he is feeling i feel ashamed and guilty. I reallt tried to make him feel better and let him know that everything was going to be ok but he just couldn't see beyond my diagnose and blame it all on me...

[Heather]

Welcome to the boards, Idontknow13. I'm so sorry that your partner has reacted this way. It's hard enough to get and start to process a big, scary diagnosis as it is, let alone to have to be doing that and have this kind of fallout -- and lack of support.

Is this something where you'd like to talk with us now about what you can do from here per this partner? Or would you like more to talk about how you're feeling, and how to deal with those feelings?

[Idontknow13]

I dont think i can do anything else to solve everything with him... he said a lot of things and i said a lot of things as well... i tried to make him see that i didnt want this to happen and that i didnt know. I just feel bad when i remember everything and i cant help it but thinking that i really hurt him

[Heather]

Just on the basis of his blocking you alone, for sure, I don't think there's anything for you to do when it comes to him right now but figure that unless he changes his mind and contacts you, you'll just need to accept that you can't get any kind of resolution or anything else from or with him right now.

I'm so sorry that you're feeling the way you are. But something I'd like to say is that unless I misunderstand something here, you're the one who has an illness right now (two, it appears). You're the one having the absolute hardest news, of anyone in this situation, to process and start to learn to manage and live with. You're the one who likely feels the most scared and the most isolated. You didn't make yourself sick, and you getting sick wasn't something you did to your partner on purpose or to hurt him. Getting sick was something that simply happened, and the primary person in this it happened to was you.

I hear you making this about you doing something to your partner. It sounds like they were suggesting that, but that doesn't make them right, you know? I can't speak for this person, but by all means, even generally kind people have been known to freak out and say shitty things when it comes to a partner acquiring HIV or other kinds of illness. Point is, what he said may even be literally, completely wrong and just a bad reaction, not something you should assume at all to be true.

Unless I'm misunderstanding/missing something here -- like your partner acquiring HIV from you because of you knowingly not telling the truth to them, or something else that WOULD be about you actively doing them harm -- why do YOU think this is about something you did to them, when it's something happening to you?

[Idontknow13]

He first said that it wasnt my fault that i didnt ask to get that but then he started saying that it was my fault when i didnt even know i got that

[Idontknow13]

Idk why he started to say that. When i got diagnosed i was more worried about him than myself. I told him everything was going to be ok and that i wont leave him alone. I felt really bad bc if i knew i had that i wouldnt have been with him. I really cared for him and the last thing i wanted to do its harm to him

[Sam W]

Hi Idon'tknow13,

That turn, from him saying that he didn't blame you to actively blaming you, sounds like it made this whole thing even rougher to deal with. It's clear you're main concern when you found out was his well-being, which is an incredibly kind impulse on your part, and it sucks that he was unwilling to return that concern (unless, as Heather mentioned, I'm really misreading what happened and your partner acquired HIV from you because of you knowingly not telling the truth, in which case his reaction is more understandable).

I hear you saying that if you'd known about your diagnosis sooner, you wouldn't have been sexual with your partner. Would you say that's why you think this is about something you did to them, when it's really more something happening to you? Or do you feel like there's another reason for that?

[Idontknow13]

I feel guilty for not having a test before and i feel bad for hurting him this way when i didnt want to. Sometimes i feel bad for forgetting about this whole situation when I'm distracted

[Siân]

I'd say that it's a good thing you are able to think about other things some of the time. This is absolutely a big change for you and a lot of new scary information to get your head around, at the same time it's just one part of your life and all the other parts deserve your time and attention too.

For the rest, I just want to reiterate what Heather said; getting sick is something that happened to you, not a thing you deliberately did to hurt your partner. That said, it sounds like there isn't a lot you can do for the situation with them right now, and I'm sure that hurts a lot.

What would be most useful for you right now? Do you want to talk a little about what this diagnosis means for you going forward?

[Idontknow13]

I started treatment as soon as i knew. I got that out of the way but sometimes i just think that ill have to take a pill of the rest of my life... I try to think I'm lucky bc some people can't say that but still sometimes i think about that and the fact that someday ill have to tell my family

[Sam W]

Being able to start treatment is a huge step, and I'm glad it's something you've been able to do. It sounds like disclosing is something that's weighing on you a lot (which makes sense, given how your former partner reacted and the stigma attached to HIV in general). Do you think it would help to focus less on the future and more on how to take care of yourself in the present? Or would it be more helpful to talk about how you'll handle those things that are worrying you, like other disclosures and adjusting to being on a treatment regime?

Also, have you gotten, or asked for, support around this from anyone else in your life?

[Idontknow13]

Ive talked to some friends. They are the ones who are helping me emotionally. It is hard for me to say it, i cant say the word bc its too much for me even when i know ill be ok. I try to distract myself as much as i can so i dont think about everything thats happening right now. It still make me feel bad that i cant talk to who was my partnet bc if it is hard for me i believe it is hard for him even when he is negative and fear about it

[Sam W]

It's totally understandable that even saying it is hard. This is a big diagnosis, one that's already bringing about some changes to your life, and you're still in the midst of processing it. It's good to hear that your friends are supporting you and that you've been able to open up to them about what's going on. With your partner, it may help to alleviate some of those feelings of guilt to remember that he's made the choice to remove you as a source of support in his life; it sounds like if he was still speaking to you, you'd be very willing to give as well as receive support.

When you received your diagnosis, did your healthcare provider talk to you at all about resources you could access that are designed to give you support around it? If not, would you be interested in learning about some of those, even if you're not ready to access them just yet?

[Idontknow13]

Hello, it's me again. It's being a while since i posted here. Things are going a little bit better if i can say that. Obviously i feel better, but i still feel bad bc i havent talked to my bf (if i can call him like that now) i actually talked to him and he was pretty hurt. You can tell he liked me by the way he was hurt. Now, i havent talked to him bc he said he didnt know how to feel about me and love, and i decided i should give him time and also to give time to myself to learn from what i did wrong and take cate of myself so when i talk to him i can have a clear mind and so do he

[Jacob]

Hi Idontknow13,

It's good to hear you are feeling better - You can say that!

I still don't think you did anything wrong and it sounds like your boyfriend / ex is blaming you for how hurt they feel,and it makes sense that they feel pain, but that doesn't justify them blaming you. You were honest, responsible, compassionate and patient.

It can be really difficult when we are a caring person to put aside the accusation from someone else that we have hurt them, but I think in this case that is something to practise however you can. HIV also has that added stigma that can make people who are positive feel like they are to blame for things in general. But that's societies illness not yours!

How are you taking care of yourself? I'm glad you are applying some of that caring nature to yourself. It sounds like a really good way to be dealing with all the things you are feeling.

[Idontknow13]

I'm trying to eat healthy, drink water, I'm taking some vitamins, and i try to distract myself. The thing is he feels he cant trust me. I told him i didnt have risky sex which i had but i didnt think it was anything toworry about bc this person told me he was on prep. Plus, when i found out i had another sti i wasnt talking to him bc he blocked me, when he unblocked me i just didnt find any right time to tell him and i had to tell him bc of a phone call from the health department. He got really upset. I know ive made some mistakes and i really take responsibility. The good thing is that he is negative. He told me he was still sad about me and that he had a lot to think about since that day u decided to give him time and also bc i dont want to be annoying by chasing him. I have to admit that sometimes i feel the urge to call him, but i try not to

[Jacob]

That sounds really tough!

Can I ask this: how would you feel about letting go from this relationship with him?

It sounds like you could do with experiencing more of the love and support you are getting from your friends whereas he seems like he has his own needs.

[Heather]

I just want to drop in and say that I'm glad you feel better and that you're doing okay with such a hard thing, and that I still think that you haven't done anything wrong here, just so you can hear that from another person today. <3

[Idontknow13]

I've thought about that... about letting go but I'm so stubborn. The thing is I've let things go before and then i regret not trying... and thank you heather <3

[Heather]

Maybe letting go IS still trying, in this case? In other words, it looks like what you may have top do both for yourself and this relationship is let it go.

You have to let go of this person per the level of detachment they have requested, no matter what: they're not talking to you, and have said they don't want to, so obviously you need to respect that. But I also think that maybe some of the work that might need to be done here -- some of what "trying" might look like in this situation -- is letting go of anyone who not only asks you to, but who also isn't showing you that it's healthy for you to hold on to them in the first place.

For sure, people can have some rough reactions when a partner discloses. But I think it's safe to say that people with the kind of emotional maturity and personal responsibility any of us need for a healthy partnership, let alone when we have an extra-big struggle in the mix, like a battle with a major and serious illness, will take ownership when they do react badly pretty soon. For example, this person could have just dropped you one more text that said, "I still don't want to have a relationship anymore, but I'm sorry I reacted the way I did to your diagnosis, which much be really hard for you. I hope that you can stay well and get through this, and I wish you the best," or something, you know? Instead, he left a sick person already struggling with an illness and situation that can be super-isolating feeling even more isolated. He made this about him. It also sounds like he's blaming you for his choices (like in the event he chose to have unprotected sex with you), which is really crappy.

Maybe "trying" in this case is trying for YOURSELF more than a relationship? Know what I mean?

[Idontknow13]

Yeah i know what you mean. The last time we talked when he got tested and he came out neg. He apologized to me and told me that he was still sad bc of everything that is happening bc i was his partner. He told me to take care and that he would help me if i needed help. He told me he wanted me to be as healthy as possible and wanted to see me in good shape in a short future.

[Heather]

Oh, I wasn't aware! Well, I am really glad that he did that: you absolutely deserved that.

But it also sounds like he was still giving you a goodbye, for now, anyway, so it seems like letting go is a thing you're probably going to need to do no matter what, you know?

[Idontknow13]

Yeah he was kinda giving me a goodbye. I got a last thing to do and if it doesnt work. I'll leave it like that bc its not helping me. No matter how much it hurts

[Heather]

What do you mean by "work?"

[Idontknow13]

If it doesnt go as planned. Then, I'll prove myself i did what i could and I'll move on