managing concerns about pregnancy

[al]

Hi john,

I've created this thread so that you'd have another space to talk more about what might be causing any fears and anxiety that you have about pregnancy, and where you think they might be coming from.

[john]

Hello Al,

I just cant seem to take my mind of it DURING the 'act'. This makes the 'act' less enjoyable.

I just need some more assurance that those stories where people claim to have seen their friend or themselves got pregnant by doing things that CANNOT result in pregnancy (e.g. manual sex + cum) in the web are fake.

I mean, why would they make stories up like this? I just thought that maybe, just maybe, if a reputable site like scarleteen thinks that it's fake, it will lessen my anxiety.

Anyway, I get it. I won't spam the board with pregnancy related questions anymore. I'll just try to get it off my mind.

Thanks for your support Al.

[al]

Hi john,

Thank you for being respectful of our boundaries - we don't enjoy telling people that we can't engage with them on certain posts, but it really is more helpful to try and address that anxiety directly rather than feeding into them.

So you said that you feel yourself enjoying sex less because you're so worried about potentially causing a pregnancy. Have you talked with your partner about this at all? Have either of you talked about engaging in things that don't have any risk of pregnancy?
The reason I ask is that often when people experience this kind of pervasive anxiety whenever they have sex, it's usually a good indication that they don't feel good about the type of sex that they're having. The last section of You're Not Pregnant. Why Do You Think You Are? has more possible explanations for that pregnancy-related anxiety (although a few of them have to do with issues specific to someone who might get pregnant themselves). I'd be interested to know if any of them ring true to you after you've read through the article.

[john]

hi Al,

Have you talked with your partner about this at all?

- My partner would get irritated and saying that I was overthinking (I dont blame her though because I kept asking the same question over and over again like "are you sure you wiped your hand before touching your...?"

Have either of you talked about engaging in things that don't have any risk of pregnancy?

- Actually, we never do things that involve risk of pregnancy (by Scarleteen standard)

Anyway, after reading the article that you provided, I think my anxiety comes from 'Guilt'. I know that in this case, the only one who can help me is me. I will try to work on that.

That's it for now Al. I don't want to waste your time any longer.

Thank you, thank you.

[Heather]

John: I'm not Al, but I'm here today and happy to keep talking with you about this if you like. I do have some thoughts about you asking your partner those things obsessively (from the sounds of it), their reaction, and some options, if you want those.

[john]

Hi Heather,

Sure, may you please kindly share your thought regarding this?

Thank you, I really appreciate it.

[Heather]

You got it!

For one, I'd say that if you literally cannot stop yourself from asking stuff like that again and again -- like, you try not to do it, but it just comes out no matter how hard you try? -- your best bet is probably to step away from sex with a partner for right now, and find yourself a good therapist, particularly someone who works with anxiety disorders. You may or may not have one on the whole, but this kind of thing, experiencing anxiety to the level that you're endlessly looking for reassurance and never feeling satisfied by it? That's textbook anxiety trouble, and a good therapist/counselor could give you some tools to better manage it so you aren't risking screwing up your relationship with it, you know?

Alternately (or in tandem), if mental healthcare like that isn't something you can access right now, you might want to look up resources on managing anxiety through mindfulness techniques. Those are things you can do all by yourself, pretty much anywhere, and there are some good apps and books on the subject. If you don't mind the books being English-language, I'd be glad to suggest a couple.

[john]

Dear Heather,

Sorry for late reply.

Thanks for your response. I'd really appreciate it if you can recommend me some apps/books/sources to manage my anxiety.

I notice that my anxiety does not come from guilt alone, but also from all those false information and fake stories on the internet.

Anyway, is there an official test to determinr whether someone has anxiety disorder? from your perspective, do you think that I have anxiety disorder? Can I officially say that I have anxiety disorder? Can it be cured?

I did not mention this earlier but I am anxious basically on everything, not only on this specific topic. However, I should admit that the level of my anxiousness was never this high before. Probably because the "risk" is higher in this case

I dont think this is about pregnancy anymore, but rather about anxiety in general

Thanks Heather.

[Heather]

Hey there, John.

I'm not qualified to diagnose anyone like that: that's something you'll need a mental healthcare professional to help you with. In the event that kind of healthcare isn't within your reach or abilities, I'd say that if you start doing some things known to help with anxiety, and they help, then you can probably figure for yourself that anxiety is an issue for you. I can also suggest a couple books with this that might help you assess that for yourself. That all said, I hear you self-assessing and thinking anxiety is an ongoing issue for you: you know yourself, I don't see any reason to second-guess that.

You're right, too, that when someone struggles with anxiety, there are often some things where it's way worse and tougher to manage, and pregnancy -- or just plain sex, altogether -- is a very common one of those for people.

Here's a page we have with a bunch of resources for anxiety, including some apps and books that are good for this: Anxiety and Other Mental Health Resources.

I particularly suggest "My Anxious Mind" and "The Mindful Way through Anxiety" on that book list for you. The first one I think is also particularly helpful if you're doing self-assessments, rather than working with a therapist. When it comes to apps, I think the Headspace app is extra-great, and the website for Headspace is also wonderful: https://headspace.org.au/

I hope that you can start to find some help with this. If, in fact, you do have general anxiety, then no doubt, it's been making your life very stressful: anxiety can really just make everything feel like a struggle, or make you feel like you're walking on eggshells all the time. Even a little relief can go a long way, and I hope that it does for you.

[john]

Dear Heather,

Thanks for all your support. I am really blessed to have found this website.

Having explored tons of website about sexuality (blame anxious-john for that), I think this is the best website, no bullshit. I'm sure many people would agree with me on this.

The credibility, the customer support, even the web design are perfect.

Keep up the good work. Your contribution to my life (and all the other customer) are truly remarkable and I shall commend you for that.

Bless you and all the volunteers here.

[Heather]

Thanks you so much, John, what a lovely bunch of appreciation and recognition. So appreciated!