Serious Relationship Help

[hiim.maria]

Hi everyone
I’m having serious relationship issues and I feel completely lost.
A couple months ago, I came on here because I had feelings for someone else and it was very complicated. Long story short, I left my boyfriend briefly to be alone but someone else was kinda in the picture. I totally regretted it and if I could go back in time, I would totally take it back. I was in such a bad headspace and it was just terrible. I feel like a complete a** because of it.
Eventually I left this guy bc I realized how much I still loved my ex. But now, we are broken up again and it’s mainlt my fault I guess. My insecurities, the arguing, my inability to really change my issues caused us to break up but it’s not that simple.
Last week, when he went to SXSW, he kissed a girl that went on the trip too, asked for space and then continued to spend time with this girl. He went down on her and she tried to do the same for him but he went soft. Then when he came back home, he broke with me because he’s unsure of us. He says things like how he still wants a future with me and how he loves me more than anything but I’m just so confused and lost. I feel hurt because at the end of the day, he still cheated on me.
And I have no idea how to give him space and I’m willing to work through what happened but I’m paranoid of him seeing other people while we don’t talk and it’s just a big mess.
He says he isn’t ready to fully let go but he doesn’t seem to be hurting. He’s going out and hanging out with friends and maybe that’s his way of coping but I feel like I’m suffering like crazy.
He wants me to decide whether or not I can hold on a little longer or not and I haven’t told him yet. I don’t want him hanging out with this girl and I’m willing to wait if he’s actually not seeing anyone else. But otherwise, what’s the point of me waiting around if he is seeing other people? I don’t know if he is but he disappears for 2 days and he says he’s with friends but I have a feeling this girl is also there too.
Can you guys please give some advice? Thank you so much

[Mo]

If I'm understanding this situation correctly, it sounds like your ex broke up with you but also wants you to be ready to enter a relationship again if he decides he wants to. Do I have that right? I can understand why it might be hard to give him space right now if he's talking about how he isn't fully ready to let go even after ending your relationship.

I think what will be the most helpful right now is to not put your dating or social life on hold while you wait to see if he'll be interested in dating you again. If he does change his mind in the future, and wants to start a relationship again, he can let you know, but for now he has broken up with you (after cheating, which it doesn't sound like he's really addressed or apologized for) and I think trying to hold on to a vague promise of a future together in the face of that will cause you more hurt than anything else.

[hiim.maria]

Yep, you have it right! He talks about still wanting a future with me and how he basically knows no one else will be able to give him the love and attention I give but he still wants time alone. I’m just not sure how that makes sense but I guess my job is to just try and accept it.
The thing is, I don’t think I’m ready to date or see other people. I might sound stupid and I apologize if I do, but he’s still the only person I want to be with. He’s regretful of what happened and he’s let our close friends know this. But he’s still the only person I want to be with and I don’t really want to see what else is out there. We’ve been through so much for me to just give up hope and walk away I guess?
I’m also stuck with feeling all sorts of things. I feel betrayed because he did essentially cheat on me. I feel torn bc I want him to give me another chance and come back but I’m still angry and upset and sad it’s like I’m completely in the dark about everything and have no real idea of where to go from here?

[Sam W]

Hi hiim.maria,

It makes a lot of sense that this situation is making you feel all sorts of conflicting things. While only he can really know why he's saying things about only wanting to be with you while not actually being with you, I think one possibility you have to consider is that he's basically trying to keep you around as insurance. That is, if things don't work out being alone (or seeing this other girl, which sounds like it may still be happening), he knows he has you waiting for him. It sounds like he's hoping you'll just sit around and wait for him while he does whatever he wants in terms of dating other people. It may hurt to consider, but he might be saying those things about still loving you or seeing a future with you because he doesn't want to actually have the risks associated with breaking up to be single (not having a partner anymore) but does want the potential benefits (like being able to sleep with other people). Does that make sense?

If you're not feeling up for dating other people, it could still be helpful to pour some extra energy into your social life right now, however that looks for you. Do you have friends you like to hang out with, or groups you like to go to?