I hate my body and have a disability

[Rose181]

I absolutely hate my body I am 21 and have never even kissed anyone I am so disgusting I cant even consider a relationship. I have PCOS which has given me acne all over my body that doesn't go away no matter what i try and I am also very overweight partly because of the PCOS but i also have an eating disorder and A LOT of other mental health issues and because of those i was forced (physically) onto anti psychotics which i begged not to be put on because of horrible side effects and they made me gain a huge amount of weight (about 60kgs) and now i cant even look in the mirror without crying. I have been abused by the mental health system which i now have PTSD from which makes the thought of touching someone very difficult but i also have OCD which makes me scared that i will get an STI even if i have protected sex not that anyone would ever want to with me. I honestly hate my body so much it makes me want to die a lot of the time. and i feel like i will never have a relationship because of it. I have tried loosing weight but the PCOS makes it very hard and everything is a mess i feel like nothing i do ever improves this issue but i try so hard to. I am scared i will get to be 30 and never kissed anyone or even had an non psychical romantic relationship. how can i come to terms with this or at least not feel so horrible about it. i try to ignore it but i even get gross looks from people when i am out in public i must be the ugliest person on earth.

[Alice M]

Hi Rose181,

You're expressing a lot of tough feelings here and I am sorry that you're struggling with this. This is a lot, and first I'd like to point that you've made it so far with so many obstacles and that could be a source of pride for you. Our culture today really worships a certain type of (skinny, white, abled) body, which just isn't even most of us and that absolutely does not help these feelings.

I understand that you were mistreated by the mental health system. What kind of support do you have now? Are you engaging in any mental health support and/or do you have other support or resources in your life?

This has some positive ideas to help you begin to think about feeling more comfortable in your body:
Seven Ways to Love Your Body