?

[Jacob]

Hi unicyu,

Just popping in here to say (very similarly to what Heather has already said!): It's not really helpful for us to re-answer how your experiences could be categorised, even less so in hypothetical terms... If anything, that could undermine a your agency.

There are some things that it's no good to seek from other people if it reinforces the problem of not trusting ourselves, or is a distraction from giving ourselves time to develop our own interpretation to eventually own it.

Reading stuff that we share can be a pretty important part of that, because it means stepping away from immediate reassurance, and instead thinking on your own with the articles as a sidekick but not the hero (hint: you're the hero). It can be scary to focus on our your thoughts and feelings, but it's also probably the only thing that can really help.

To a certain extent it doesn't matter what we think, or what your boyfriend thinks, it matters what you think. All we can do is offer tools to help you do that, but it is you that would need to, and totally can do the work.

Make sense? Do you get what I mean when I say using reassurance as a distraction? Does that sound possible?

[unicyu]

i get that and ik what i think. i just dont remember what happened it was so long ago. like i felt pressure and idk if it went in slightly or it was just pressure idk. thats why i asked if ur advice would be different if it was rape

[Heather]

I really want to set a limit with this, and am going to ask you to respect that limit for right now. By all means, I'd be happy to refer you to other services if you want someone to talk about that with, but I think based on the history of our conversations with you so far, particularly when you ask about things like this that happened in the past, it's not going to be productive here right now between us. I don't imagine that will change until something changes about the way either you're considering all of this (like with more information about what is and isn't healthy in relationships, or by thinking about everything differently with the help of a counselor) or the way you interact with us and this service.

What I personally think will be most productive, as things stand now, is for you to read some of those pieces, to get some real information about healthy relationships (and not), and for us to start talking about what you glean from that together.

[unicyu]

ok ive read most of them. me and him have a rly good intimacy with each other but in the beginning we never set boundaries and are just basically doing that now. what we have is unhealthy. i dont think hes abusive because it isnt systematic and he never intends to hurt me in that way, especially with the stuff that ive told u. yes he did it and it makes me upset and it makes him upset as well but ik he wasnt trying to be malicious

[unicyu]

ive sent him some of the articles as well

[Siân]

It's great to hear that you've been reading the articles we've shared. As others have said, I do think that it's important that you're BOTH reading and learning if you want to build healthy relationships in the future - together or with anyone else. Has he read them too?

So you're saying your relationship is definitely unhealthy. Can you see some specific patterns that make it unhealthy? What might you do to change those things?

You know, just because someone doesn't mean to hurt you doesn't make it okay. If they have a habit of hurting you unintentionally and they aren't actively trying to avoid doing it again then they're making a choice not to do the right thing, not to make sure you don't get hurt and that's not just careless it's them deciding they're okay with hurting you. That's a pretty toxic situation to be in, and no amount of saying "I love you" or "you're amazing" makes up for that hurt. What do you think?

[unicyu]

youre right. he has stopped that pattern tho and has really worked on it. i have to ask if he read them yet. hes been sick so i tolf him not to rush and do it when he feels ok. hes has and really has been trying to stop those habits and he had. were toxic like we argue a lot and i call names but weve been getting a lot better with that

[unicyu]

do u think its like bad he was rubbin my finger with his and i was like stop 3x and i grabbed his finger and moved it and he said he didnt know what he was doing like he didnt know if he was hurting me or what. is that like pushin boundaries. it just felt weird on my finger

[Sam W]

When you say he, or you, have worked on those parts of your relationship, what does that work look like? For instance, when you say the way you used to argue was toxic, what did you do to change it? Have those changes stuck, or did you do them a few times and then fall back into old patterns?

Have you given any more thought to accessing a counseling resource, as Heather mentioned in their last post?

[unicyu]

when we disagree we dont yell well at least me he never really yelled. and weve learned how to talk rsther that argue. and i found out like when i once said on here that he said he wanted to kill hisself that one time and he was saying it to his friend too. ig in expression of being so upset. ik he wouldnt do it and he wasnt saying that recently he was saying that around the same day he said that to me. he hadnt saud it again but still

[unicyu]

and we joke with each other but we liked stopped that cause we would call each other names and ig i didnt like that. like i said wheres ur helmet referrin to him being challeneged and he said fuck u, go to hell. ik he was joking but still. and i call him a bitch or whatever but we talked about it and decided to stop after i said something or did somethin jokingly and he called me a fuck ass then i cussed him out after that and he said he was joking and ik he didnt mean anything by it. so we just talked about it and i said i dont like that and me and him agreed to stop with the name calling jokingly or not. he did this like 9 months ago he was otp with a friend and i called and he said brb my slut is calling and ig he told me cause he felt bad and he got cussed out then.

[Alice M]

Hi unicyu,

I see you describing the history of your toxic communication in your relationship -- it's great that you're working on changing those.

Sam asked for your thoughts about accessing counseling services, what do you think about that? I'm new to this thread and after reading up on your history, I agree that some type of counseling could be really helpful for you to gain skills and break out of these toxic patterns.

[unicyu]

i mean this happened a few days ago in specifics but the name calling has been going on ever since we 1st got together. i dont have access atm.

[Sam W]

Since it sounds like arguing, or even communicating, without insulting each other is something you're both struggling with, you'll both want to read this article and work on using the techniques in it: How to Clash With Love: Some Conflict Resolution Basics.

Do you not have access to a therapist for money or insurance reasons, or is it more that you're not sure how to go about finding that type of resource?

[unicyu]

my sports schedule and money i believe. do u think it will work if we like stay platonic for a while then get back together once we feel ready or if we want to

[Mo]

I think whether it will work really depends on if you're both willing and able to read more about how healthy relationships work, take that information to heart, and be able to talk about the issues you've had and how you're going to make changes moving forward in how you treat each other.

[unicyu]

alright thank u

[unicyu]

do u think its bad like he was tryna lay on my lap ig but 2x i think he had his head on my private area and i told him to move and he laid a 3rd time on my leg. i just didnt want him layin down there and like he said he never laid 3 times only 2 and he said he misinterpreted it cause he thought i aint want him on my private area

[Alice M]

It sounds like an opportunity for you two to talk about your boundaries and about how to communicate effectively with each other. Being specific about which part of your body, if any, he's welcome to lay on (in that moment and/or afterwards, when you're talking about it) could probably help avoid those misunderstandings as well as establish positive experiences with communication for you both. Does that make sense? In this case, I don't think that this is about assigning "good or bad" behavior, it's about establishing that communication and those boundaries in a way that works for you. Then, going forward, both of you respecting each other's wants and needs when you voice them.

[unicyu]

alright thank u

[unicyu]

ok so i was like in the mood last night. so like we were doing it and it was fine but like when he came out accidentally he would ask if i was ready then he would put it back in but like it was doggy and i was uk doing it and it came out or close to it rly quick and it went right back in cause i was doing it then like he was eating me and he would ask each time hed stop r u ready and can i and he like continued when talking without asking but he said like he didnt take his mouth away and like he jus asked r u ready without saying the other. then it was jus like we were going to sleep but he didnt ask to hold me he jus did and i didnt say anything about any of it until this morning and i didnt rly have a problem i was jus like oh he didnt ask. he was like we were both tired and if when we sleep like i have my leg and arm on him so he jus holds me. is any of that bad?

[unicyu]

i was upset abt me not makin soccer earlier and ig he was tryna comfort me and i said like no get off like 2-3 times and i got upset cause he aint get off me and he said he was jus trying to comfort me

[unicyu]

he wasnt trying to kiss me or anything he was like trying to turn me around ig to face him to talk to him ig idk

[unicyu]

ok and we were walkin and we say this lil snake and like tbh i wanted to drop a rock on it and i did but it aint hit then we poured water on it then i told luc to move it and he used his foot to move it to the side so it doesnt get ran over then it coiled up and luc threw the water bottle at it and like its intestines started to come out and now i dont want to talk to him and what if hes like a murderer and hes like upset with me cause he said like how is it fair that you try to drop a rock on it

[unicyu]

i like put some water on him and he got the droplets and was like flicking his fingers and getting it on me and i was like stop stop stop a lot of times and then later i put water on him again and i said stop a few times and he put water on me 2x to get even. is that like harassment ik he was just playing with me but still