Sexuality again.

[Bluenikuli]

Hi guys it’s been a while since I’ve been on. (I’m 18 now just saying) After some self discovery and just like following what I find enjoyable while masturbating and not judging it, I found that I like both gay, and straight porn. Does this mean I’m Bi?

I don’t know if my attraction stems from the anal sex part (which I discovered I enjoyed a long time ago) or just physical male attraction. I tried watching porn where women use a strap-on on men (which I assume if I liked it would just mean I like the act of being penetrated.) but, they don’t really get me as much. Which could be due to the fact that porn is in fact porn and is not a great representation on what it’s really like. Sometimes I think that me masturbating so much has maybe even caused me to be attracted to it in a way? Idk, I Always find it wired that I didn’t even think once about men until I tried anal. Actually now that I though about it, I always did kind of like the woman in a porn better because she always looked like she was having more fun. So, I would imitate there movements sometimes. I really don’t know where I’m going with this anymore. I think I’m just trying to give some kind of context. Anyway, I’d love to hear from you guys. Thanks!

[Heather]

Welcome back!

You know, I think porn can give us some clues about our orientation, but since it is literally fantasy -- and a lot that happens in it just isn't really how things go in real life, including that the relationships and interactions sex happens in usually involve way more than just sex -- I actually don't think it's super helpful as a major way to know this. Too, attraction to sexual activities isn't really the same as attraction to people. For example, in this case, where you're saying it's anal sex you're attracted to, there are people of every gender who will want to do that and others who won't. Plenty of queer men don't actually like anal sex or all the ways of being part of it.

It might serve you well for us to talk a bit about who you are experiencing attraction to in real life, not just porn.

If this is a language ask, for sure, bisexual is the most common word that describes someone being attracted to both men and women or to all genders. Terms like pansexual or queer are also common. Which term you use -- and it can be none of those, too! -- is up to you.

But ultimately, it's on all of us to decide how we identify and whatever has us feeling some sort of way that gets us saying, "I'm bi <or gay, or queer, or straight, etc.>" is acceptable if it's acceptable to us.

[Bluenikuli]

I'm defiantly not asking about terms or anything just trying to understand what things mean in regards to me having a relationship. I really want one and it's not like i haven't had the opportunity to be in one. I've actually had quite a few opportunities but I never go for a it. A girl that I love hanging out with and I just have so much fun with and stuff, she told me she liked me and I said I liked her as friends. and i remember after I was like "did I say the wrong thing?". Like there is no reason why I wouldn't wanna date her. she's amazing. and we basically would "hang out" together alone all the time which wasn't really seen "as a date" but now looking at it, it totally was. And I had tons of fun. she is really mature and we are still best friends but sometimes i'm like why did I say no? I think I'm just afraid of relationships you know? before it was because i didn't wanna deal with drama and i needed to focus on school but now I think it's more than that. I think I'm always afraid of losing her or just anyone I date in general because if we stay friends, it's forever. but if we date i might possible lose her cause well, we are in high school. I also see my self wanting to try so many things in college too you know? like just have fun first? i really don't know its a lot to think about. sorry this changed the subject so quickly, but I would actually love to hear what you have to say on this. thanks

[Heather]

This is all about what you need, so if you feel he burning desire to switch gears, so be it! It's not a problem, no worries.

You know, I don't mean to sound like a dope, but literally nothing is forever, least of all the nature of our personal relationships, which tend to shift and wiggle around no matter what, all the more the longer we're in them. You also don't have to commit to always dating your friend if you dated her now: chances are, she's not going to want to make that kind of commitment to someone so early in her life, either!

What do you really want, do you think? Would you like to see how it is dating her? Or maybe even just talk to her about all this and see what she thinks and what comes of it when you two talk about it?

It's also okay if you don't want to. We don't have to accept every possible dating or sexual opportunity that comes our way, and we don't have to have reasons -- or things we can easily identify as reasons -- for taking a pass. Sometimes it might not seem "reasonable" not to date anyone, but the fact is we're just not feeling it, even if it seems like we should.