I can't figure out what's wrong with my vagina

[babyspice]

So, I'm 17, and by now it feels like I should have this whole self pleasure thing figured out. Unfortunately for me I do not, and I'm getting real sick of it.
I've been masturbating since I was a young kid, probably like eight or nine if I were to hazard a guess, and I basically just squeezed my legs together until I finished up until maybe a year ago. Then I got ahold of an electric toothbrush and... well, that was that. Don't worry, I am very sanitary with everything.
But no matter how hard I try, I just can't use my hands! I'm almost constantly aroused, and even when I'm super aroused I don't feel a thing. I don't feel anything with penetration, which I only managed to do not too long ago, and months have passed but it still hurts to insert anything more than two fingers- and even that still stings. Even external stimulation is tricky. It's always either a dead zone, or so much stimulation it hurts, and even if I do manage to find something that feels good at all my hands get too tired. I've only ever managed to orgasm twice with my hands. In my life!
I feel broken. I'm scared of what's going to happen when I have a significant other. What if they can't make me finish, and they feel inadequate? No matter how many message boards, articles, instructional videos, and diagrams I look at, nobody has the answer. No matter how much time I give myself, what type of media I use (audio, video, pictures, imagination), or how relaxed I am, no matter how aroused I am or how long I'm like that, it just doesn't work. I'm frustrated! I just want to feel normal. I'm worried there is something wrong with me, now. Please, any advice will be greatly appreciated.

[Mo]

Hi babyspice, and welcome to Scarleteen.
To start off with, it doesn't sound like there's anything wrong with your vagina, or with you. Not everyone is able to orgasm easily (or at all) just with their hands, but that doesn't mean they're having sex or masturbating incorrectly. One thing I do want to note is that stress can be a huge factor in orgasm difficulties; if you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself to reach orgasm, a lack of one can set off a bit of a self-perpetuating cycle. I know you mentioned being as relaxed as possible during masturbation, and that's great, but it might even be helpful to take some time where you reframe how you approach your masturbation time and try to make it entirely about exploration and enjoyment, without orgasm as the end goal. If something hurts, take a break from it for now, and just focus on what you know feels good or what you think might feel good.

In terms of being intimate with a partner, it's hard to know in advance how that will feel for you! You may find that bringing a toy into your sex life is what works best, and if that's the case I would hope a partner would be happy to accommodate what you know works well for you. You may also find that things that aren't amazing when you try them on your own feel great when the right person's doing them with you. Just like with masturbation, though, going into sex with an internal monologue of "oh no, what if I can't orgasm and that messes everything up" can make things feel worse overall, so if you can try to approach things more in the spirit of "I'm so excited to explore sexually with my partner," you may find that things work better for you.

[babyspice]

I think I've been seeing masturbation as "getting the job done" more and more recently, rather than focusing on feeling good. Mostly because I find if I get too riled up and don't finish, I get kind of pent up and I can't focus very well. I'll try thinking about I less like a means to an end, and see if that helps. Thank you!

[Mo]

You're welcome! I hope that approach works better for you.