Sleep sex

[Madhay49]

Hey there, I'm new.

So I was sleeping on the couch with no pants or underwear and my boyfriend (we live together and have been for over a year now) started grabbing my butt. He then started to put a finger inside me and I knew what was about to happen. I usually have no problem with him waking me up with sex, but this time I didnt want him to. When he started to try and penetrate me I wasnt wet at all, so I grunted, not in a sexual way but in a way that was like "ugh please stop" (i didnt say anything) I was half asleep so words werent coming out. Well, he penetrated and I decided I didnt want to say anything, i layed there on my side while he went in from, not behind me, but like he was at the end of the couch and my legs were curled up. Does that make sense? So I laid there motionless. Usually if hes waking me up with sex I will give verbal affirmations letting him no I like it and to continue. This time I did not and he continued to have sex with me. I laid motionless the entire time, pretending as if I was asleep and pretending it wasnt happening. Once he had finished (pulled out, didnt finish in me) he didnt even try to g ed t me up so I would go to the bathroom or anything. He knows I'm sensitive to UTI's so he usually makes me go to the bathroom right away. Instead he walked into the bedroom and laid down to play on his phone and go to bed (which is where he is right now) so laid there thinking I need to tell him . . . I was thinking like, dump a glass of cold water on him, or something, but that would've soaked the bed. So I grabbed the spray bottle we used to spray the cats if the scratch at the furniture, walked in there, sprayed him in the face, dropped the bottle, and as i was walking away i said. "I'm not a sex toy" and went to the bathroom. He came to the bathroom door and said "what the fuck was that" and I said "I already told you. I'm not a sex toy." He walked away and closed the bedroom door. Was I wrong for doing that? Was it rape? Am I overreacting or is he? Or do you think that was a good way to settle things?

[Sam W]

Hi Madhay,

No, you are not overreacting to what he did. When someone is asleep, they cannot consent to sex.

So, when he started touching you and got no response, he should have stopped and waited until you woke up to ask if you wanted to be sexual at that time. What he did was not okay, and I'm so sorry he's choosing to treat you this way. It's also concerning that this is a habit with him (you mention that you usually let him know that you're enjoying it when he wakes you up with sex, but it sounds like he's decided that "start having sex with my sleeping partner" is an okay default behavior when it so isn't, and has also demonstrated that he's not actually looking for your consent when he does that). He's demonstrated that he's someone who isn't safe to be around during something as basic as sleep, and that's a majorly bad sign and one that points to him not being a safe partner for you.

That might be a lot to process at once. Reading what I wrote, how are you feeling?