Close Friend Dating My Older Brother

[stlyogi9]

One of my close friends from high school has been dating my older brother for over a year. I was volunteering abroad for the majority of their relationship and have just moved back home. They live in the city we all grew up in, and I live in a different city with my parents. I have only seen my brother twice since being back, and she has been around for both of those times. They quickly became very serious when they started dating, but I feel like I haven't had enough time to really get adjusted to their relationship because I've been gone the entire time they have been dating. My older brother was single for a long time and is now considering getting married to my friend. They both made sure I was okay with them dating before they started, and I still am totally fine with it. I have no qualms with their relationship and am really happy that they are so happy together.

However, some issues have cropped up while they have been together. I came home for the holidays while still serving as a volunteer. I hadn't seen my family or been home for over a year. There was lack of communication about whether my friend was coming to my parents house for the holidays. Both of my brothers have significant others that ended up coming for the holidays. I was venting about my volunteer experience to another friend (because it was very emotionally and mentally exhausting in various ways, although rewarding) and vented about not seeing my family for over a year and not knowing if my friend was coming for the holidays or not because no one had communicated that to me. I had asked, and was told that she "would get back to me about that", which didn't happen for several weeks. This friend that I vented to took things into her own hands and got involved when she didn't need to, causing the friend who is dating my brother to be extremely upset (she is very sensitive). Then, my older brother was upset with me for sharing my feelings with this other friend and asked me to "keep our business between us from now on", which I felt was inconsiderate of my feelings. The only reason I was venting about the holidays at all was because I had reached out to both my brother and his girlfriend/my friend about their plans and had gotten very vague and frankly annoying responses because they knew that I see the holidays as just family time, and were probably nervous about breaching the topic with me. Apparently, my friend who is dating my brother was/is still really upset about this entire thing, practically 6 months later. I thought we had talked about it and we were good, and that was extremely wrong.

Fast forward to this past weekend. I went back to my home town for a visit. My friend had wanted to "catch up" with me before I came to town but I had been really busy with relocating and also was extremely sick with general sinus issues. So we didn't end up talking on the phone. She apparently feels like she's trying to connect with me and I'm not showing any interest in that. I didn't know we had lost our connection? Like, we've been friends this whole time, I thought. We had fun over the holidays, especially on New Years Eve when I had to step in and stop a guy from hitting on her because she was too drunk to handle the situation. If she felt like things weren't the same between us, she didn't express that in any way at all. Anyway, when I was in my home town this past weekend, she basically gave me the cold shoulder. I thought that we were totally fine and that we were on the same page, but that is not the case. My older brother and I got into an argument about how she is family now, because he is going to marry her, and that I am not losing a brother but gaining a sister. He also told me that she is still very upset about what happened with our friend who said something to her before the holidays. I feel completely out of the loop and like the rug was pulled out from under me because I was totally unaware of all of this.

I knew she and I would not be really alone for the rest of the weekend so I texted her and told her I loved her and that she's always been important to me and that we need to talk. She replied and said she loved me too and would let me know when a good time was to talk. Then, she texted again and said that "we will talk, but I need some time.", to which I was a little irritated by. Time for what? I honestly don't think I've done anything to hurt her or hurt her relationship with my brother. I think we've had a huge misunderstanding and that she has a really big issue with communicating about her feelings, to the point where she has mental and emotional problems from it. So now I'm trying to be patient and wait for her to reach out to me, because I've already made it clear that I am willing and ready to talk whenever she is. How long should I wait? I'm a very straight forward person and can handle "confrontation" with patience and ease, where she is extremely sensitive and has a lot of trouble communicating. I just feel so in the dark about how she feels and how their relationship works because if she can't communicate with me and tell me that her feelings are hurt, how does she communicate with my brother? I don't want to lose her as a friend and I don't want their relationship to end. I'm just frustrated because I literally have no idea what her thought process is or how she's feeling, or where she's coming from. How can I make this better? What did I do wrong? I just really want to understand.

[Sam W]

Hi stlyogi9,

This sounds like it's pretty stressful and, in some ways, emotionally charged situation for you and for her. It can majorly suck to feel like something has gone wrong in a friendship but you can't pinpoint what it was. Unfortunately, the only person who can answer most of your questions is her. It could be there's been a misunderstanding, it could be there's something deeper going on. At this point, your last communication with her was to tell her you care about and ask to talk followed by her asking for some time before that happens. Given that, it may be best to not push the issue and take her at her word. That might be frustrating given how many questions you have about what's going on, but it will demonstrate to her that you're listening to and respecting her boundaries.

It also sounds like there may be some differences in how you two communicate. Have issues like this come up before, where you thought the friendship was in one state while she saw it as being in a totally different one? Or is this the first time something like this has happened between you two.

I'm also wondering why your brother has gotten into arguments with you about your friends' place in the family. Is that a topic he just brings up, or is it in response to you asking about her? Too, while the curiosity about how their relationship works is understandable, it might cut down on your overall frustration if you gave yourself permission not to worry about that element of the whole situation.

[stlyogi9]

Hi Sam,

I'm happy to respect her boundaries. We definitely communicate differently. She has had kind of a hard upbringing and has a lot of issues with her dad and her step dad. I'm not sure where the issues with communicating stem from honestly, but over the past few years, her issues have gotten worse. When confronted or when something that she perceives as hurtful or rude is said to her, she visibly shuts down. Eye contact is no longer made and she doesn't want to talk any further.

An example of this was before she started dating my brother. We went out one night and she tends to drink in excess and not really know how to stop herself. She met a guy while we were at a bar and I left to go to the bathroom. When I got back, she was nowhere to be found. My other close friend and I started looking for her, thinking she had just gone to the bar to get another drink. We quickly realized she was not in the bar and had left to smoke with the guy who had come up to us. We called her several times, went outside and walked around the various bars looking for her, and we still couldn't find her. We asked the bouncers if they had seen her, which didn't help at all. Finally, she comes back into the bar with the guy she had met, holding hands with him and laughing, just having fun. My other friend and I proceeded to ask her where she had been and why hadn't she said anything, and other comments about just being worried about her. This caused her to react in a very visibly hurt way, where she looked genuinely shocked, then hurt, then not looking at anyone. She did not speak until I took her back to my apartment where she spent the night. She started crying/sobbing on the way home, to which I just grabbed her hand and kept her moving. We talked when we got back to my apartment and she was crying because she doesn't want to be like her dad, who has serious issues with drugs and alcohol. I calmed her down, and she fell asleep. The next morning, nothing was said. I didn't want to bring it up because she had been so emotional, but I honestly didn't know if she remembered it or not, she was acting so normal and nonchalant. I'm not sure if that's because it's hard for her to take any kind of criticism or her reaction to confrontation in general.

We've been friends for over ten years now, and we've been through a lot of stuff together. I could rant to her about anything in my life and she could do the same with me. I'm not sure what I did to cause her to think that I don't want anything to do with her. I don't think anybody is really at fault here. Everyone was misunderstood and everyone's feelings were hurt.

She's known other people in our friend for way longer. Since they were five years old. She went away for school after we graduated high school and things change when that happens. She has talked about how things had changed to another friend in our group, who also didn't understand where her feelings were stemming from. It's not that they weren't friends anymore; they just weren't as close as they used to be. Which is understandable. She just had trouble accepting it.

The other friends in our small group have mentioned to me before that she goes through phases where she doesn't respond to texts, doesn't answer phone calls, and doesn't hang out with them for over a month. I don't know if this is connected to anxiety or other emotional/mental problems. My assumption is that during this time when she's not hanging out with the girls, she's hanging out with my brother. They're very serious and in love, so I highly doubt she would ever go through a phase where she wouldn't respond to him or not see him.

I think maybe there are some deeply rooted issues that she should seek therapy for. Maybe she feels really misunderstood by our group and isolates herself for long periods of time because of it. I honestly don't know. But I am willing to be as patient as necessary so that she can feel as comfortable as possible when we finally do talk.

[Jacob]

It sounds like you are pretty astute in saying she would benefit from therapy.

Of course the the person themselves needs to be willing to get that help, so what you can do around that is limited. I hope that she does get that help though. It seems the most you can do is to suggest it, if it comes up or just make yourself known as someone who supports getting mental health support.

It sounds like you are really worried for her and compassionate to what she might be going through. This alone can be more helpful than you might think.

[stlyogi9]

Thanks for your responses, they have helped a lot. I'm just going to keep being patient and let her know that I'm here for her always. I'm trying to not be frustrated that I still haven't heard from her because I don't know what kind of thoughts she is having and she is apparently really going through something.

[Mo]

It can be hard when someone's communicating erratically, for sure. Sometimes when I feel like someone might need some space but they haven't been very clear about their needs, I'll send a brief message that says something like "I get the feeling you're taking some time to yourself right now and that's fine but I wanted to remind you that I'm here and happy to talk if you feel up for it in the future" so I know I've left that door open in case they do want to reach out later.