my best friend

[avaiara]

i need help regarding my best friend

i’ll make a long story short:
she introduced me (sort of) to her boyfriends best friend, and after some time talking and getting to know each other we started dating. things are going good, but the only problem i’ve had so far is with his ex. she has been non stop harassing me through a fake phone number, telling me he’s going to cheat on me, etc. i’m not bothered by it but it is very annoying.

she also told him that i was a “bad influence”, and brought up my past drug use/addictions to try and steer him away from me (which didn’t work).

i ended up saying something to her, so did my friend, and that was that. but now, i’ve kind of noticed my friend still keeping somewhat of a relationship with her and i’m kind of upset about it but i’m afraid if i talk to her about it she’ll get defensive. she’s not a good person and i don’t want that to tear us apart.

what do i do?

[millstreet]

Hi avaiara,

That sounds like a tricky situation for sure. Though there is no "right" answer, what you decide to do next might depend on how close you are with your friend. You refer to her as your best friend so if you are comfortable addressing this with her then that could be a possible solution. Be careful about sounding like you're blaming her (you don't know her side, after all!) which might be easier to achieve with "I" language, ie. "I was really hurt by this person and I feel upset knowing that you're carrying out a relationship with her." You can also include how important your friend is to you and the significance she has in your life. Be ready for any range of reactions and emphasize that you still care about your friend and just share how you're feeling.

Apologies that there's no one right answer and it sounds like you've already overcome a lot with this girl in the past. Good luck with your friend!

[Siân]

millstreet - this is a thoughtful response. This is the user-to-staff section though, please make sure you stick to the user-to-user forums unless you're asking us a question yourself - thanks!

avaiara,

If this is bothering you then millstreet is right, a conversation with your friend is probably the best thing for you and for your friendship. Before you go in though, I'd ask yourself what you want the outcome of that conversation to be - e.g. do you want your friend to acknowledge your feelings? To change her behaviour? Do you want to understand her better?

What do you think?

[avaiara]

millstreet - this is a thoughtful response. This is the user-to-staff section though, please make sure you stick to the user-to-user forums unless you're asking us a question yourself - thanks!

avaiara,

If this is bothering you then millstreet is right, a conversation with your friend is probably the best thing for you and for your friendship. Before you go in though, I'd ask yourself what you want the outcome of that conversation to be - e.g. do you want your friend to acknowledge your feelings? To change her behaviour? Do you want to understand her better?

What do you think?

i do definitely want her to acknowledge my feelings — especially considering how unnecessarily disrespectful that girl has been to me recently. a similar situation happened to her and i don’t associate with the girl who was mean to her anymore.

i do want to bring it up, but i don’t want her to think i’m upset with her. as i said, i want her to know that carrying out a friendship with that girl makes me uncomfortable, kind of like what millstreet said.

[Siân]

Okay! Well that sounds like something you can do. I think that making it clear from the outset that you're not mad, but you have something you want to share should help her understand you're not upset with her.

Why don't you start out by reading this: How to Clash With Love: Some Conflict Resolution Basics

Does this give you some ideas of how to approach your friend?