Worried about STDs and STIs after fingering

[straightlines]

I had an anonymous fingering experience with someone who did not wash his hands. He spit into his hands to provide lube and then forcefully fingered me vaginally and anally. I am worried that I may have caught something. Please let me know what tests I should get to be sure. Also, how long should I wait to get tested? How often to get tested?

[Heather]

I can't tell if all or any of this was actually something you wanted. If it wasn't, please know we can talk with you about that, too.

Generally, manual sex only presents minor STI risks, and while that doesn't usually account for saliva, for all the obvious reasons, I'd still figure that on the whole, your risks will generally have been low from this. But what you can do in terms of your testing is just go ahead and schedule yourself an appointment for an STI screening with a healthcare provider, aiming for a few weeks from now. When you go in, they'll ask about your sexual history and decide what to test you for based on that, and you can tell them about this, too.

Alternately, if you have never been tested before and just want to start on your regular testing habits, you can just ask for a full panel this time so you have that coverage and assurance.

In general, testing is generally something that work for most people to do yearly. People who are and have been in in a mutually exclusive long-term relationship can often do it a bit less often, like every other year, whereas if you have more than one partner in a year, or have been having any kind of sex without safer sex practices, you might want to think about twice a year. But this is something else your healthcare provider can help you figure out based on your sexual and unique health history.

[straightlines]

Thank you for the information on testing. My parents can't know about any of this. If I go to a clinic will they know?

And, yes, I met with this person voluntarily. But I didn't know he would touch me. He told me that he was experienced and I should just relax and let him do what was best. I was a virgin, so I didn't know what safe sex practices were. I didn't even ask if he had any STIs.

[Heather]

No. Your sexual health information is confidential per United States HIPAA laws, with an exception about informing parents if your life is at risk and you are not engaging in treatment suggested to care for yourself (like, for instance, if you had HIV and wouldn't take any medication for it). You can find out more about those policies here: https://policyinterns.com/2016/06/06/hi ... or-minors/

I'm so sorry that this person did this to you. It sounds like he coerced you and it certainly doesn't sound like you had enthusiastic consent going on. Sex should always be a free choice, and only something everyone involved does when and if they really want to. If you want, we can talk more about how you feel about this, how to better protect yourself from people like this in the future (and what truly mutual, wanted consensual sex looks more like), or both. <3

[straightlines]

I don't feel good about it at all. When he finished he just left, so I don't think I performed well enough. But I should have known because he made a few offhand comments before he finished. But I thought that if he wanted to have sex with me, it meant that he liked me. How can I tell if someone actually wants to have sex with me?

I don't know what consent looks like. I didn't say "No", so I thought it was consensual.

[Heather]

Do you have a little time to read through a piece that can fill you in about how consent is supposed to work, and then we can talk some more about this with you having that information at hand?

If so, here that is for you: Driver's Ed for the Sexual Superhighway: Navigating Consent/

I hear you making some assumptions about what he did that I don't think are sound or in line with a healthy, happy sexual life or interactions. For instance, sex shouldn't be something that feels like a performance -- or like we have to give one -- and people just up and leaving after sex like they just got some kind of basic service, like getting a fast food order, isn't on the person just left there. It's on the person who did that, and it tells us WAY more about that person than it does about the person they were just sexual with. This guy sounds like a straight-up jerk in a few respects, and I suspect that's because he is. His shitty behavior is about him, not you, okay?

Wanting to be sexual with someone and liking them aren't necessarily things that go together, especially when anyone involved isn't even seeing or treating other people like whole people. When we have basic respect for someone, for instance, we don't tell them to just sit there while we do things to them: we ask what they want, we engage them, we treat them like a person, know what I mean?

[straightlines]

That's all great advice. Thank you.

The article is nice, very detailed. I can't relate to any of it. I don't think anyone's treated me with that level of respect when it comes to sex, so it'll take some getting used to.

Thanks again for all of your assistance.

[Heather]

I'm glad to help.

I'm so, so freaking sorry to hear that. I hope that you can make today the day that is the end of all of that for you, at least for the parts within your control, like not choosing to be sexual with anyone who doesn't do, by and large, consenting with you (and vice-versa) the way that piece talks about.

Do you want to talk more about any of this from here today?

[straightlines]

That's all I have for now. If I have any more questions, I'll come back. Thank you.

[Heather]

Of course. It can also be a lot to start to process that something -- or more than one something -- wasn't really consensual, and you might have some rough feelings as a result. We're around anytime you want to swing back. <3