What do i do with my relationship?

[BB2991]

I was dating this girl for about 6 months now but been official for 4 months. I've been stressing out so much because i don't know if I'm ready for a relationship. All i can say is she is someone i would marry if i was ready. I just can't be bothered with the whole relationship and I'm not trying. I don't want to break up with her because i feel i will regret it but i also know that I'm not trying as much as i should. I do however feel like we're not as close and i blame myself for this as i just don't feel like we can be. I was in a relationship for about a year before and we broke up and i was devastated since i had to break up with her because it wasn't healthy.
Then i met this new girl a couple months later and to be honest i knew from then i wasn't ready because i said to myself i dont want a relationship for many years. However this girl has all the right qualities hence why i wanted to pursue it. Up until now i don't really think much has changed with me. Something just doesn't feel right. I'm just not bothered with the relationship. I feel like I'm depressed & unhappy with life and where i am hence why i ain't ready to be 100% in the relationship.
What do i do? i just know if i was ready then this could have been something special. I don't know if i love her or not since i never did know. It's so confusing. She's a good girl. Why do i feel anxious and full of anxiety. I wish i could be more invested in the relationship and not stopping myself from being more close because i know she would be the one as she has the traits to build a future. I just feel like something isn't right and that I'm not in the relationship as much as i should be or trying harder and i don't know why I'm being this way. I'm so confused with it all and i wish i didn't feel this way and was ready without forcing myself to try harder and fall for her more. I feel like I'm holding myself back because i dont want to show too much and make plans and be more invested when i feel this way because it will be fake.
What do i do.. will this feeling pass or do i need to break up to sort my life out until I'm ready? All i can say is I'm no way ready for marriage or having kids. I can't even say to myself one day i would like that because thats so far out of my head. Am i depressed? or am i not ready? she's such a good girl and i wish i could make it work but as i said something isn't allowing me like i can't be bothered. I just dont know what to do

[admin note: line breaks added for clarity]

[Sam W]

Hi BB2991,

Before jumping into what's going on with your relationship, I want to check: you mention feeling depressed and unhappy. Have you dug into those feelings, and where they're coming from, with a mental healthcare provider? Too, when you say you feel anxious, is that only when you think of this relationship? Or do you tend to feel that way about a lot of things in life?

It sounds like at least part of what's going on is that you feel like, because your girlfriend has a lot of the qualities you want in a long term partner, you should be happy or invested in the relationship. The tricky thing is that, even when someone ticks a lot of our boxes or seems like the kind of partner who should make us happy, the reality of how we feel can end up being very different. Sometimes that's because we're not in the right place for a relationship in terms of our own life, or it's because something just doesn't mesh, or another reason entirely. So I'd caution you against staying in a relationship just because it seems like it "should" work.

When you say you feel you aren't as invested in the relationship as you should be, can you give me a sense of what that looks like? How does that lack of investment feel or look, both in terms of how you interact with her and how you feel internally?

[BB2991]

Hi Sam,

Thank you for replying. I was always in 2 minds with the relationship but because i felt she is the right girl i went along with. I've been depressed & down with life for awhile now. I also broke up with my ex a few months before dating this current person. So i don't know if this is the reason why i feel this way. I've started to get this anxious feeling in my stomach for the past few weeks now and i know it's got to do with the relationship because i can't decide what to do. As i said because i feel she's "wifey material" i feel that i should be with her when really I'm not acting as i want to be in the relationship and build a future and i question myself on why. When i spoke about investment i mean that i don't bother planning days to meet or do things. I let her plan and tell me when to meet up. It's just you can tell I'm not really trying as much as i should be. I'm not trying to be an asshole but I'm just in this mood where i can't be bothered with it and it makes me sad that I'm feeling this way when it shouldn't be like this

[Sam W]

You're very welcome. So, if you've noticed this depression hanging around for awhile, it sounds like it's time to check in with a mental healthcare provider to see if it's a) part of a deeper issue and b) if there are things you can do to address it. Do you have access to that kind of resource?

While it's not pleasant (and, in your case, sounds like it may be causing anxiety) to think about ending this relationship, the feelings you're describing are a sign that it's time to evaluate whether you want to stay in it or not. One tool to help you do that is this article: Should I Stay or Should I Go?. Reading through that, do you notice your relationship with her falling heavily into the "stay" or "go" categories?

I hear you saying you're not sure why you don't feel invested in a relationship you feel you "should" want. Let's dig into that a bit. Is it that you think about doing things to show your investment but then decide against them? Do they feel pointless or uninteresting? Or does it feel like it never occurs to you to do them until after she initiates them? Too, while you say she has qualities that make her marriage material, can you give me a sense of whether you like her and like being with her? Do you feel happy and connected with her, feel like there's a spark when you two interact? Or does it all feel pretty "meh" and like you're going through the motions of being in a relationship because you feel that's what you're supposed to do?

[BB2991]

I feel like i need to sort my life out hence why i feel down and not happy. As of now I'm only concerned about making the right decision in the relationship. I have read what you sent me and it was helpful and i would say i could be more on "Should I go side" but I'm still not sure with it so let me explain more.

Basically i feel like i should WANT to see her, or make plans or fit her in easily to do things. I'm just not making the effort to meet up with her and when she wants to meet up or plans things or messages me etc I'm not as bothered about it ( i keep using the word not bothered because this is the best i can describe it) i also feel like I'm coasting through it and I'm trying to avoid these thoughts because i don't want to face it and it makes me feel bad about myself because it's a feeling i don't want to feel because it makes me feel sad that I'm like that towards her and it feels fake and it confuses me because I'm just questioning why am i being like that to someone great? i know I'm doing it but i can't control it.

Some days i try convincing myself that i will give it a proper go and try harder and i talk myself out of the negativity but then suddenly i end up going back to my old ways. I'm constantly fighting my mind and its driving me insane because i just don't know what's the right decision. We get along mentally and she respects me and makes me trust her but i also feel like we're not close and don't have much of an emotional connection. The relationship also does feel basic and boring? However, i know she's a good girl and there's something there that makes me think how can i leave someone good? like i can't do that to her.. its so frustrating. it's not that I've decided i don't want her it's just i don't feel bothered with the whole relationship and I'm no way thinking there's better out there. I feel like i should be doing more and feeling more and making more effort for the relationship. I've never told her i love her because i don't know if i do (I've always found it hard to say i love you to someone because most of the time im questioning to if i do.. since i don't use the word for the sake of it like many people these days)

All i can say is i don't MIND being with her and when she's next to me i don't MIND it but i can't hide that I'm feeling anxious that it shouldn't be like this. It's basically like I'm just coasting with it and it's like I'm trying to see what happens but the anxiety won't leave me. I don't really feel a spark but last time i tried to force myself to see if there is because i kept focusing on looking at her and there was a little something but i don't know if I'm tricking myself or making myself feel sorry for her as i do care in generally and i never want to hurt someone and it just kills me to let someone down that's why its more frustrating for me because i feel like such a bad person. I get thoughts like would i regret it if i broke up with her? even though i feel like I'm not ready? at the same time i feel like is that what i have to do? can i even break up with someone who potentially could have been marriage material?

(Sorry if i sent this twice, as i wasn't sure if it got sent the first time)

[Sam W]

One of the harder things to learn about relationships is that they don't have to be catastrophically bad in order for it to be best for them to end. Someone can be a perfectly nice person, and an okay partner, and still not be a good fit as your partner. When you're thinking about someone who your want as a partner, especially if you have and eye towards something long-term like marriage (which it sounds like you do), it's okay to want someone who does light that spark in you and who you have a strong emotional connection with. And, at a certain point, ending this relationship is the kindest choice for both of you (even if it sucks in the moment). For you, it removes something that seems to be causing a lot of anxiety and is something that you only feel so-so about and find a relationship that feels like a better fit. And it gives her a chance to be with someone who thinks she's more than just okay or nice. Does that make sense?

I hear you expressing worries about letting go of something good or someone who could have been "marriage material." Can I ask if some of that worry is coming from a fear that, if you break up with her, you won't find anyone else?

I also want to check: do you find that feeling of just not being able to make the effort cropping up in places other than your relationship with her? For instance, does it also happen with friends, or with hobbies?

[BB2991]

It's just anxiety based on not knowing what to do and why I'm thinking this way. It's not that i want to break up but it's also the fact on why am in this situation where I'm not sure on what to do? i shouldn't be feeling like this.

I was just with her and i can i didn't mind her at all but i can tell i was like being somewhat miserable like i was thinking too much and not being open etc not that she said something but i can tell I'm being to observant trying to find out what i feel. She was laying on me and fell asleep. She looked so peaceful and i just thought like how can i break up with her. She's a good girl.. i feel so bad that I'm in the process of analysing the relationship like this.

I guess my fear is more on if I'll regret this and think to myself how can i let someone like this go? i dont exactly think i won't find anyone i feel more on regretting on leaving her because a part of me knows she can be the girl for me but the other part is confused with it all. So its more on being regretful & I'm thinking about how i can do this to someone whose good to me it hurts to think about it.

When she's with me i don't mind her and it's pretty normal like i dont hate being next to her but when she goes I'm not that bothered with keeping in contact as much etc? I've always been someone whose wants their space and is on their own. I wouldn't make effort my friends as well to keep seeing them because sometimes i want to be on my own. With hobbies i go gym 5 times a week and i stick to this.

[Mo]

It sounds like you're thinking a lot about how you "should" or "shouldn't" feel here, but I don't think that's going to be a helpful approach for you. For one thing, there's really no way you should feel about a specific person or situation, but also: whether you're "supposed" to feel a certain way or not, that doesn't change the way you're actually feeling, and I think it makes the most sense to make decisions based on how you feel and not how you with you felt.

I hear you saying you don't hate being with your girlfriend, or that you don't mind her, but these are extremely unenthusiastic ways to describe being around a romantic partner! If the relationship is just a few months old and you aren't having moments of genuine excitement about it, I think it's likely that this just isn't the right fit for you. I know you don't want to hurt your girlfriend and you care about her feelings, but staying in a relationship you're not excited about, as a way to spare someone's feelings, often winds up hurting them more in the long run.

[BB2991]

Hi Sam, i would just like to thank you so much for taking the time out your day to keep messaging me about my situation i appreciate it a lot. I don't know who to turn too and in desperate help since I'm an emotional mess. I even keep crying because i feel this way.

That's what it is, I'm thinking a lot on how i should be feeling about and i don't know what it is I'm trying to feel here. You say make a decision based on how you feel but the one thing i feel is nervous feeling in my stomach. I don't know what i feel about her.

You're right, that is the main word i can relate to on be "unenthusiastic". That's how i feel towards being in a relationship, it's not her as a person. That's just how i feel about being in one i just can't be bothered even though i care absolutely her a lot and I'm so desperately trying to want to feel the exciting stuff and wanting to be a normal person in the relationship who is just happy to be with the person. I'm just scared as well, is breaking up with her the right decision? i care about her and we do get along and she is loving but it's as you i am unenthusiastic with the relationship.

[Mo]

This is ultimately your decision, but if you're feeling unenthusiastic about the relationship then I think it's probably best to end it. Both of you deserve to only be in relationships where both people are excited about both the relationship and about the other person.

[BB2991]

You're right i here and i have to decide whats the best thing to do. Thank you for your time you have been very helpful

[Mo]

You're welcome! I hope you can come to the decision that works best for you.