Mixed messages and depression

[Stuck11]

Hello, I've been living together for about a year with my partner of 4 years. He's had a rough ride since last April, when he was fired from his hard-earned job in the video game industry and moved in with me for stability. We'd been long distance for a while up until then, and the move-in was a rough transition.

He tried to get financial stability and did it by working a bunch of different jobs in the restaurant industry. He would either find a reason to quit, or they would cut his hours, or something else unfortunate would happen. He got more and more depressed, and stopped really paying attention to me. He was just overloaded and would escape using alcohol, drugs, gaming etc.

About two months ago, we had a big fight. I had built of a lot of resentment. We tentatively agreed he would move out. Then, he acknowledged he had been struggling with depression, and said he needed to rebuild his mental health. Apparently that meant taking a break from the relationship... while still living in the same house. I was uncomfortable with this and told him so, but he had nowhere else to go. We tried to go to couples therapy (at my suggestion) but he wasn't ready/willing to hear or process the issues at hand. He has said he's emotionally detached from me and has no romantic or sexual feelings toward me at this time. He says he isn't sure if it's the depression, low self-esteem, etc, or just the natural progression of our relationship. He basically has said he needs to rebuild his life, save some money, and get back into the industry from which he was fired. I have been trying to make space for him to sort through his issues but don't want to enable him or let him take advantage of me either. He has said he thinks it's important for us both to rebuild ourselves separately and see where the chips fall. But he's not getting treated for the depression and it continues to worsen.

Regardless, my self-esteem has taken a hit. I feel totally abandoned and not desirable. He treats me like a roommate most of the time. He says wants to be friends for the moment, to allow for the possibility of a future relationship. Then other times he says he doesn't know what he wants. When drinking or feeling sentimental, he will refer to me as his girlfriend, talk about us getting an apartment down the line etc. He's been emotionally erratic, mean, distant at times... all the things people do when they want out. But he also doesn't seem to want to let me go in a real way.

I feel manipulated, though I don't think he's doing it on purpose. I want so badly to be out of this situation, and he has agreed to find a new place July 1. While the move-out is a good step, I feel dangerously over-extended and depleted. I just can't seem to wrap my mind around all that has happened, and I'm plunging into a depression myself. Do you think I should just put space between us and try to rekindle a friendship later, depending on how I feel in a few months? Does he seem like he's just OVER the relationship altogether? It's like I have no legs of truth to stand on, but need to make decisions. I can never seem to get clarity from him because he's all over the place. Please help.

[Sam W]

Hi Stuck,

This sounds like an incredibly stressful and draining situation to be dealing with, and like you've already tried a lot of ways to resolve what's going on between you two. Since you mentioned you had tried couples counseling, are you also pursuing individual counseling for yourself? If not, that would be something to look into in terms of taking care of yourself. Too, can you give me a sense of what your support network (friends, family, etc) currently looks like?

I do want to point out that, while it may feel like you've got no legs of truth to stand on, you actually have at least one that comes across in what you've written: That is, you want badly to be out of this situation and it's leaving you depleted and depressed. That doesn't necessarily shed light on the truth of what he wants or why he's acting this way, but it tells you how you're feeling and what you need from the situation, and that's ultimately the most important thing right now. His actions around the relationship could come from a lot of places, but at a certain point what matters is that the relationship that remains between you two is making you exhausted and unhappy. Does that make sense?

From what you're describing, continuing to move towards more space (with him finding a place of his own by that deadline) is absolutely the sound choice in terms of your wellbeing (and, in the long run, his as well). Do you sense he's actually going to move out by that date? Or are you concerned he might say he's going to and then not follow through?

[Stuck11]

Thanks for responding. I am actually in therapy on an individual basis. It helps to an extent with keeping perspective, but hasn't done much to lighten the load of this experience, unfortunately. I don't really have family in Texas, though I talk with my parents a lot over the phone about what's happening. My friends here don't know all of what's going on, mostly because I am ashamed and don't want to compromise my partner's privacy. Those friends who do know aspects of the situation tend to be very judgmental of him and I don't want to encourage that.

In your last graf, you asked if I was worried that my partner would not move out by July 1. Yes, I'm definitely worried about that. I'm concerned that he won't physically/mentally be able to orchestrate a move. That's how ill he is. (We've been haggling over a move-out for two months and it's yet to show real signs of materializing). He tries to pretend it's not the case but I know better. His parents don't seem very engaged, or aware of how much he is suffering. I'm trying to come up with a plan in case July 1 rolls around and there's been no shift.

[Sam W]

Glad to hear you're able to access therapy. Even if it can't completely lighten the load of what you're going through, it's still good to have a space where you can freely process everything you're dealing with. With your friends, while it's kind of you two want to be mindful of your partners privacy, I do think there are ways to ask for support that allow you to do that. One would be to have the time spent with your friends be time where you get to be out of the house and the draining environment that currently fills it, and gives you a chance to be with people who make you feel happy and wanted (in a non-romantic sense). And if you do need a few minutes to vent about how you're feeling, I think it's okay to say that's what you need and make it clear you just need a supportive ear rather than someone to help you fix what's going on. Too, you mention feeling ashamed when you think about sharing what's going on with your friends. Can you say more about where that feeling is coming from?

Okay, given that you think there's a very real chance he may not meet that deadline, it sounds like it's time to start brainstorming what you'll do and practicing holding what is going to feel like a very tough boundary with him. Are you both on the lease for the place you're living, or is it only you (or only him) who's on it?

[Stuck11]

In terms of the lease, it is in my name, but he is listed as an occupant. So in my state, I believe that creates a landlord/tenant relationship between us. I believe I would have to give him written notice up to two months in advance... or something like that. Obviously that legalese won't cover the July 1st agreement, which was made informally. I've been pushing for several months for him to move out ASAP, but it's only more recently that he seems to have received the message that continuing to live together is causing me severe anxiety. My fingers are crossed that the shift will happen, but I probably don't have much recourse if it doesn't. I will probably have to rent an AirBnb for a month or stay with friends so I don't go insane.... literally walk out of my own house with a suitcase.

In terms of feeling ashamed when talking about this with friends: They all take a pretty hard line with this guy. They make it sound easy for me to give him a move-out deadline, and have him adhere to it. One has said things like, "You can't live together at this point without destroying each other (figuratively)".... which sounds authoritative and dramatic. I.e. I feel guilty for not being able to get out of the situation, for both our sakes, in a hurry. And in a general sense, it's embarrassing to admit to anyone that your partner has stopped wanting you sexually. I've probably internalized a lot of the "women are responsible for men's sexual desire" BS narrative. Still, I'm very embarrassed by it and I spend way too much time trying to figure out which aspects of me he didn't like, or could live without. The super rational part of me says, 'Hey, he's really depressed and has said his libido has taken a hit.' But I don't trust that fully.

I feel like I'm going insane in this situation. He shuts down when I talk to him about my emotions and how I'm scared about what comes next. He tells me to leave him alone when the topic is serious--almost like he thinks I'm taking much-needed emotional resources from him. I have this urge to frame everything as I see it, to force him to understand that it's not normal to 'take a break' from someone and continue to live in the same house indefinitely. It's not right to expect someone on the receiving end of all that to be measured, understanding, and infinitely space-giving. He blames me for not having a place to escape to in our apartment, for example, yet he has opted against the separate living arrangement options I've spoon-fed him. I want him to see his own contradictions and how they've affected me.

Plus there are so many other weird, manipulative things he's done under depression. I can't just pretend like everything's normal. But when I practically freak out from the stress, I'm labeled as acting 'inappropriate,' or like I'm forcing him "to respond to my needs." I guess I just need to absorb everything and try to file it under 'he's depressed and not fully rational' rather than ruminate on it. But really, I'm seething and heartbroken all at the same time. I feel vaguely used after two and a half months of post-break limbo---with us still seeing each other every day. Because I was more like the 'breakee' than the 'breaker-upper,' I feel at a special disadvantage emotionally. I've basically been his caregiver, the person who keeps the world from falling apart, paying bills, taking on more of the chores, etc.

There's just nowhere for my anger to go, and nowhere for me to go to get away. I've thought about going to one of those rage rooms, where you pay to break items while wearing protective gear. I think brief restorative periods out of the house help, but the deep exhaustion I feel seems like it will require months- if not years-to heal once this does end. I don't know. For now, I'm just trying to brainstorm about July 1st and ready myself in all ways possible.

[Heather]

I'm so sorry to hear all of this (including the whole thread, which I've just caught up with). I was in a very similar situation many years ago, and I have some sense of how awful this can be and become. <3

How can I best help you today? Are you feeling a need for more emotional support, more help brainstorming solutions, both, neither....?

[Stuck11]

Hey Heather, I honestly am curious about whether you still speak to the person, whether you guys were ever able to recover your friendship/relationship. When things get toxic like this--at least in the midst of it--it seems like it will never end and the people involved will never be healthy in each other's presence again.

I'm mostly looking for a reality check and some emotional support. My partner is basically saying he needs to stabilize and get healthy individually--which I get, to an extent. He says he's optimistic that 'we'll make it through this' but I'm hanging by a thread. It's difficult to scale things back like this and I don't know if I trust what he's saying. The uglier part of my brain is saying he just wants out and is doing it incrementally so as not to have to deal with the fallout.

[Stuck11]

I mostly just miss the friend/partner I knew. It's like he's disappeared under this depression. Rarely smiles. Doesn't ever want to do anything. Avoids people.

[Heather]

That person died a couple years after, but no, we didn't repair the relationship. What started out bad in the kinds of ways you're talking about turned into harassment with a side of stalking after I actually got them to leave. Ultimately, that person was very mentally ill and did not access help or do work on that, I'm afraid, and it truly was their undoing in every way.

In terms of a reality check, can you tell me a little about why you'd want to stay in relationship with this person beyond that you have a history of a few years together? How is this -- and are they -- healthy and beneficial for you? How are they good for *you*? Is there anywhere in this they actually seem to be considering you at all? If not, is that typical?

[Heather]

I'm sorry about how it feels to have lost that person as the person you've known. That's always really hard, especially when their body, and the uglier parts of who they are, are still in your life all the time.<3

[Stuck11]

Hey Heather, I guess I just feel very connected to him. When we slough away a lot of the recent circumstantial things and just talk, it's like we are kids in a sandbox. I feel very seen by him in a lot of ways, and I think he celebrates and recognizes things in me that I hide behind insecurity. He has always had unflagging faith in me, in terms of my abilities as a creative person and my ways of navigating through the world. He challenges me to stay true to what I care about--and to be honest with both myself and him. He is fundamentally kind and (normally) an incredible optimist. He has made me feel very safe and open. These are beautiful things that I treasure about him and his role in my world. That said, I've struggled to get comfortable in the relationship, and have often felt ambivalent. There are ways in which I don't feel fully seen, sought after, or appreciated. The dichotomy hurts a lot, and I've struggled with it for a long time. In the last year, my attempts to communicate about unmet needs haven't necessarily gone like I'd hoped, but then again it's very hard to have deep relationship talks with a partner who's literally in survival mode after a job loss and depressive onset.

The last year has been so hard, and I don't think it's necessarily reflective of how we would normally interact. I'm in my second year of an incredibly high stress job that has kind of sapped my life force and positivity. Given all of this, I hesitate to make a final break from him at this time. I have faith that he and I will both grow as people, perhaps in ways that will allow us to connect more thoroughly and comfortably again. We've both said we want to be friends forever, regardless of what happens romantically.

Right now, he is in a phase of his life that requires him to re-build, and he's been straightforward about how mental illness and stress are affecting his ability to be a good partner. He has tried to comfort me, and paint a picture of a future in which we reunite as healthy people who've reestablished themselves as individuals in the world. I understand the need for space, really. Doesn't make it any easier though. He needs to put himself first for a bit, and I should probably do the same. Maybe space will be good?

I believe that it's impossible for our partners, on their own, to make us happy. I've been debating the extent to which I've done my OWN work towards happiness..or whether I've laid too much of that responsibility on him. The ambivalence on my part is extreme. But I don't think I would stay locked so tightly into this situation--and be so terrified of losing him--if I did not deeply love him. The thought of never seeing him again actually makes me crumble. I don't really know what I want or need in terms of a response from you all... It's just so nice to be able to talk a little.

[Sam W]

Hi Stuck,

I'm glad having a space to talk is helping you. I wanted to chime in on a few things you've mentioned here.

It sounds like there were parts of this relationship that did make you happy, and things you loved about your partner. When there's been such a dramatic shift away from some of those positive qualities, it makes a lot of sense from an emotional standpoint to want just wait it out until those positive things come back. Something that may be helpful is to ask yourself how long you'd be willing stay in the relationship and keep putting energy into it nothing changed about his behavior and how it's effects on you. A week? A month? More?

I also want to add (and I say this as someone with depression) that while while relationships (whether romantic or platonic) can and do make it through one partner having a massive spike in depression, the likelihood of them doing so depends at least in part on the person being willing to address the depression. That includes really basic things like pursuing counseling or medication, as well as a willingness to not put the burden of problem solving certain things onto the other partner (like, for instance, making them be the one to help find new housing if you need to move out). That's not to say that someone in the midst of a depressive episode can't or shouldn't get support from a partner. But if said partner is clearly at a point of major, ongoing emotional stress from offering that support, that's a sign that the ways in which accessing support around the depression need to change and that more or different people (be they professionals, friends, or family) need to be tagged in to help. Am I right in that, as of now, you're really his only support? If so, when you think about not having to offer that same level of support anymore, how do you feel?

How is the whole him-moving-out thing looking? Do you sense he may actually leave by the 1st, or is it still feeling like it'll be a struggle to get him out by then.

[Stuck11]

Hey Sam, I certainly feel frustrated that he isn't seeking counseling or medication. I would say that, yes, I'm his primary support (even though he doesn't ever truly acknowledge that). I think he lets his mom and brother in on his troubles to an extent, but they don't have the full picture. He clearly needs to expand his support network. He goes between feeling a lot of shame for how dependent on me he is...to claiming that he's not using me for support at all.

When I think about not offering the support to him anymore--at least not in a direct, living-in-the-same-house way--I feel both relief and fear. I've lost a lot of myself spending so many emotional resources. It's like a reflex for me to check on him, wonder where he is, if he's eaten, etc. Even if I don't try to impact his behavior, I do feel like a watchdog. I worry that I'll just be a shell when he leaves, and that I'll feel concerned about his safety and well-being somewhere across town. It's going to be very hard to re-center myself.

I don't know that I'll ever be able to "not be in the relationship," ever. At least in terms of totally distancing myself and giving up hope. But in practical terms, I've definitely reached my limit for now. I need space to repair myself. It's probably going to be hard for me to move forward without some form of closure--or be able to go over that mental cliff into 'singledom.' It's still going to feel like limbo even when he leaves.

He's been looking up apartments/room shares in the same town... and he's speaking as though we'll be seeing each other all the time. Not sure how I'll feel after July 1, or how I'll handle that. My mom is worried that he'll take advantage and get his needs met at the expense of my boundaries. I think it could go either way: he'll either disappear from my life entirely for a month or so, or try to segue immediately into a weird dating friendship. Guess I have to get better at taking care of myself and figuring out what I need. Like ASAP.

[Sam W]

That mixture of fear and relief you're describing is quite common for people who are in the midst of major shift or ending of a relationship that's demanding a massive amount of energy from them. When a huge part of your life, even when it's just sort of background noise, has been worrying over the well-being of another person it can feel very destabilizing that not have to do that anymore. There's going to be an adjustment period, for sure. One thing that might help is to think about how you'd like to spend your time and energy once it's no longer being sapped from you. Are there hobbies or relationships (including your relationship with yourself) that have fallen by the wayside over the last year? Activities you've been interested in trying?

In terms of how the relationship with shift once he's out of the house, how do you want it to be? Do you need just complete disconnection for awhile?

I hear you saying you feel like you need to get better at taking care of yourself. Do you mean that in terms of material things (eating, sleeping, etc), or is it more around emotional things?

[Stuck11]

I'm trying to think of hobbies or interests that I would enjoy revisiting... and I'm ashamed of how hard that is? I've maintained some 'outside' commitments and friendships through the relationship, but they don't really bring me a lot of joy. Video editing, swimming, music, etc. I think I've been under stress for so long that nothing really feels good. That lack of joy and direction makes me self-conscious, and that becomes its own negative cycle.

I guess I would say my relationship with myself needs work. I don't really know how to solve the 'soul loss' problem, unfortunately. (Therapy, medicine, etc don't seem to do the job). But that's certainly a goal.

In terms of self-care, I think I need to get better about: 1) letting people in, 2) keeping boundaries, and 3) showing up socially. I've never felt so alone in my life, or so deeply uncomfortable. I eat, sleep, do my job, and generally just drag myself around checking boxes. I would just like to enjoy my life more.

Not yet sure if I want complete disconnection from my partner or not. No contact might be healthiest, though I don't know. I wish I could move out of the apartment we shared--just to create my own, new space. I was freaked out when I realized he intended to stay in the same city as me. On some level, I wish seeing him was not an option. Knowing that he will be just across town, choosing to contact me (or not) feels stressful. (But him being far away feels super crappy and final). I have a lot of fear about us being in the same town.... I don't feel able to hold my boundaries with him. I feel like he's just going to rely on me and casually breeze in and out of my life while causing me strife. I've had exes do that.... e.g. get drunk and text that they "miss" me, pseudo-apologies, mind-messing... without doing the actual work with me to fix the relationship. It's equally likely that he's going to simply interact with me as a friend... while deriving some gratification from the fact that I still have romantic feelings toward him.

I realize I have SOME control over how things go forward, but it doesn't feel like it. I'm faced with a broken windows scenario: How do you prevent people from continually busting in and stealing the furniture? How do you reestablish boundaries and the meaning behind your words? I feel like I've lost my core of strength and am just this fragile person now.

[Heather]

I wonder if maybe it's time to try exploring some new things that might both bring you joy, but might also maybe some catharsis?

You list things you used to be passionate about but aren't anymore. Whyever that happened, if you don't feel passionate about re-starting any of those things, it might be time for something new, and something (or things) that are a good match for where you're at in your life and this moment right now.

In terms of what you're saying about boundaries and your concerns about him coming in and out of your life: how do you feel about the idea of setting some no-contact time for right now, rather than having to make it permanent in this moment? Why not, for instance, a week or so after he moves (there's always practical crap to deal with after for a little bit in these kinds of moves, IMHO), ask for a month of no contact to start, and see how you feel during and after it? If you set a hard limit up front, it's usually easier to hold a line than it is when you don't create any limits or boundaries, so those lines, if you have them, are effectively invisible. Know what I mean?

I also wonder if subletting is a possible option for you to explore if you really feel like you need a new space (I get it!) to help move on from where you've been instead of marinating in the loss/change.

In terms of that feeling like you don't have any real control, looking at your next to last post, I see you describe what sounds like a lot of codependence. When we're in that space, it totally can feel like we don't have control because in some big ways we have ceded it to the other person and their behaviour by being in a dynamic where who we are and what we do is mostly or even only in reaction to them. For sure, we have to worry a lot about who we let in when we're like that because it really can be so easy for someone to just waltz in with their big needs and dramas and crises and sweep us up. (I struggle with this, too, for the record. Seems we may share a few not-great inclinations/patterns.) Is that something you might be into finding out more about, as well as learning to better manage? If so, there are some good books out there around this (can recommend), and it's also something many therapists and other kinds of counselors are good at helping with.

[Stuck11]

Hey Heather, thanks for responding. I sort of bristle at the mention of codependency, because it feels so human and appropriate in certain situations. Before my partner lost his job and ended up in this swirl of subsequent bad luck, we didn't have that codependent thing happening. (Though it certainly sucks now... And it was hard to avoid because certain 'enabling' behaviors on my part were also means self-preservation... Like I had to pay rent for both of us a few times to avoid wrecking MY credit or getting evicted. Chores, etc, wouldn't get done unless I did them. He wouldn't or couldn't respond to those requests).

I'd be open to reading about how codependency develops, though. (Send the good books my way!) It's like a chicken or the egg thing, seems like. The relationship has always been somewhat lop-sided in favor of his needs, but not so alarmingly as it is now. I used to feel more able to express my needs before he got really sick. Afterward, everything me-related was cast as something that added to his burden.

The most acute phase of his depression started about 2.5 months ago, and that's when he declared the need for 'a break' while wanting to still live with me. The decline in my health since that time is actually scary to think about.

I like what you're saying about cathartic activities. Will try to brainstorm around that. And I think you're right about doing a period of no contact initially. I'm debating whether to ask for it / warn him, or just do it.

[Heather]

Glad to. I'm heading off my shift for the day, so I'll save some of my thoughts for tomorrow, when I'll be back. Sorry for the delay.

I do think, in brief, it's generally helpful to realize that, for sure, trying to help the people we love during times of struggle is absolutely a thing we want to do, and hopefully can do, for each other. By all means, helping people out all by itself isn't codependent. I also totally hear you on things you had to do to help keep you OWN head above water because your finances were/are intertwined! I hope you haven't taken too hard a hit from this.

I think the biggest things that always say dingdingding! codependency alert! to me are the things where it becomes harder and harder for someone in the position you are to really see themselves in all this and also draw lines to make sure that you really get to KEEP yourself, and your life, and your passions, and your other relationships, etc. I don't bring this up to shame or pathologize you or any of this, but to point out what's probably a vulnerability to going this way. If this started off lopsided from the first place, some of why you maybe didn't see that or it seemed okay might be because you're kind of inclined this way, you know? I think learning more about this can just maybe be something that might help you to set some limits with this person and, moving forward into your life, maybe set you up to be a little more protected from situations like this.

I also hope that when you say things like a decline in your health with this is scary to think about, you are talking more about how some of the truth of the impact of this is rough rather than talking from a place of shame. I'd hate for you to feel shame about any of this, and if you do, I just want to offer up that I don't think there's anything to be ashamed of here. I hear how you've been feeling as a result of this in terms of your sense of self, but I don't think those ways of feelings match who you've been in all this.

You've clearly been making a lot of effort here to be a supportive, caring partner in a really crummy ongoing situation with a partner who doesn't seem to be doing his part to make that at all mutual (I'm super not okay with some of the ways he's been treating you in this), whether that's about his lacking in ability because of his depression, him just...well, not being that great of a partner in situation where the shit has hit the fan, or, probably, both. <3

[Heather]

I'm heading out right now, but will be in again in a couple hours. Didn't want to add more until I heard how you were feeling today and how what I said last night landed. Fill me in?

[Stuck11]

Hey Heather, thanks for checking in. I think you're correct about the tendency toward one-sided relationships, and I've done some thinking about that. On an intellectual level, I know what in my past makes me more susceptible. But when I get into an emotionally engaged or triggered place, the pattern repeats. It's frustrating--I'd like to find out about practical resources to prevent that or at least check it as it unfolds.

I wouldn't say I feel shame about the decline in my health over the last month. But re: the degradation of the relationship over time, my partner has often framed that in a blaming way. I have a lot of guilt there and I rake myself over the coals too much. I know he's used some emotionally abusive techniques more recently. I can see them for when they are, but they've taken a toll. His mood swings--and the ways he changes his take on the relationship--have made me feel a little insane.

I'm disappointed at how this has all gone down, and in what it says about us both. I know I need to get away from him for a while. He tends to chalk the problems up to fundamental incompatibilities, i.e. "us not being right for each other" or "growing apart" as opposed to owning some of the really destructive shit he's done....it bothers me. It's like I can't slough off that feeling of being blamed even if I know it's untrue. Ick.

I think there's an inbuilt shame that kind of says "Why weren't you good enough for him to make the right kinds of effort here?" I always challenge that script with "It does indeed matter how much someone loves you, and not every relationship is forever." But yea, hard to shake it off.

[Heather]

Sounds like he's not taking any responsibility here. I'm so sorry. That always sucks, but it of course extra sucks when you're taking on so much and when he's also -- it sounds like -- doing things like gaslighting you. I see you, if that helps. I also see a lot of things he is truly responsible for, and should be taking responsibility for: I want to validate the feelings you have around this. I hate shoulds as a rule, but truly, you *should* be upset. I'd be really concerned about you if you weren't.

One thing I can offer is that we're good enough for everyone. Like, there's no one anyone isn't "good enough" for. However, I think that the better question with something like this (in time, when you have some real time and space to process, not while you're still struggling to get out of it to get that space) might be why you're working so hard for something that, even at its best, seems not exactly great. If you're going to work this hard at something and put up with this much, shouldn't it be for something truly exceptional? Better still, why not work a lot less at something that *also* offers you things that are a lot better than this seems to be?

I don't want to suggest something that gives you the idea I think it's your job to be a scholar of your partner's depression, but I think that it might be helpful for you, for yourself, to read some more about it from some smart sources so you can understand it more, including because I think it might help you sort out what's going on here that's probably about depression and what's going on here that isn't, you know? The one book I can suggest on that that I think really kind of does it all in terms of a real, deep dig is "The Noonday Demon" by Andrew Solomon. However, if you feel like even that is too skewed towards focusing on HIS stuff, then I'd suggest you wait on this one.

A couple other books -- more in the vein of what I was talking about in the last post -- I'd suggest for you right now are:
• Codependent Cure: The No More Codependency Recovery Guide For Obtaining Detachment From Codependence Relationships by Jean Harrison and Beattie Grey
• The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap by Ross Rosenberg, M.Ed. LCPC CADC CSAT
• The Nice Girl Syndrome: Stop Being Manipulated and Abused -- and Start Standing Up for Yourself by Beverly Engel (Beverly Engel is really great on a range of things in this arena: she also has a book on healing from emotional abuse I strongly suggest, especially if you think a history with that is part of your patterns here)
• The Five Step Exit: Skills You Need to Leave a Narcissist, Psychopath, or Other Toxic Partner and Recover Your Happiness Now by Amber Ault, PhD (these kinds of books are rarely written by queer people so they can be deeply inclusive: this one is)
• Jackson MacKenzie is an author whose done a few good books in this arena, too.

(Btw, I just had to go through all my books, and I realized I put books like these in kind of a hidden place, and I had a little talking-to with myself about what was obviously shame about having to read books like these when I don't only have them for work, but need them for myself. In the event you have any similar feelings, I'd encourage you to remind yourself like I did that there's no shame in doing good research to try and live a healthier, happier less miserable life, for crying out loud!:))

[Stuck11]

Hey Heather, thanks so much for all of these resources. It's really nice to be able to talk some of this stuff out as well, and I appreciate the time you've taken with me. I've relied on Scarleteen since I was a very young teen and I can honestly say you all have helped me get through some of the toughest times in my life.

[Sam W]

Hi Stuck,

I just wanted to say it means so much to hear you say that talking here has been helpful and that you've been using Scarleteen for a long time. That makes us so happy to know!

Are there other things we can help you with right now, either with this situation or something else (it's okay if the answer is no)?

[Stuck11]

Hey Sam, actually I was just about to write again for some quick advice on staying centered in this situation. My 'ex' partner has been looking at room listings all day, and apparently is having trouble. He is basically suggesting, again, that he wishes we could just enjoy the benefits of being friends and living together. I've told him I'm not ready for that but he keeps bringing it up and I always feel bad afterward. I maintained that I thought him finding his own place was the best move for both of us--but said to keep me updated if all options were looking really horrible as the agreed-upon move out date gets closer.

My anxiety has shot through the roof. He even said something about us finding a 2bdrm apartment together in September, after this current lease expires. It's like we're living in two different realities.

[Mo]

I think it might be helpful to not let him drag you into a big discussion about living with him when he brings it up; if you can come up with a stock phrase like "as I've said before, I want us to live separately. I'm not going to lease another shared space with you and you need to find your own place to live" that you can repeat whenever he tries to start a conversation, and decline to defend your decision if he wants to get into a big discussion, that might encourage him to ask less.
It would be fine to say "please stop asking me about this, I've been clear about my decision and I need you respect it" or something similar as well, if you think being more direct would help. None of this is rude or mean to say; I get that it can feel bad to say no to someone (I certainly struggle with it, myself), but a no and a firm boundary are actually good to give someone, even if it isn't the answer they want to hear.