I hooked up with a guy at home without letting my parents know

[glensa1]

I have a question about something I did that I feel guilty about. I'm staying with my parents over the summer (taking a break from college). I hooked up with a guy at home without letting them know, while they were out of the house. I'm having a lot of internal conflict with myself. It's the fact that I liked it, and had fun doing it. But also the fact that it's something that I did that was very risky, and my parents would disapprove. More than disapprove, they would be disappointed in me and sad. My relationship with them has been good lately, and I don't want to mess things up with them. They also would think that I'm putting myself and my family in danger considering the fact that the guy isn't someone that I know well. My brother was upstairs playing video games. I have never done something like this before and I don't intend on doing it again. I want to tell them but I know I can't tell them anytime soon. Maybe when I'm like, 25 or something, but I can't keep that bottled up for so long. What should I do?

[Sam W]

Hi Glensa,

Thank you for moving this over from text!

It sounds like you actually have a sense of what you want to do, and that's be truthful with them about what happened. When you say you can't tell them anytime soon, is that because you're worried about some pretty serious consequences if they find out? Or is it more you anticipate the conversation being awkward and unpleasant?

[glensa1]

It's not that I'm afraid it will be awkward and unpleasant. It's more that I'm afraid they'll be really angry with me. Which I know they will be. I also feel like I can't tell them soon because there are things that we're supposed to do together as a family over the summer. We're supposed to travel, and if I tell them I wouldn't be able to go. I'm sure of it.

[glensa1]

So yes, more about some serious consequences.

[Sam W]

Got it. I see how that puts some weight behind the "hold off on telling them" option. When you say you're sure that telling them would result in you not going on the trip, is that because they've done similar things before? As in, you do something they don't approve of and they react with anger and removal of something you want or are looking forward to?

Too, since it sounds like you had a strong sense that bringing someone over for casual sex could lead to your parents being angry with you, can I ask why you made that choice?

[glensa1]

It's just because once I got in trouble, and I couldn't go to dinner with them and the family. They never had me stay home from a vacation, but that's because I didn't do anything wrong.

I don't know if it was because of the strong feelings that I had and that I wanted to hook up. But I think I did it because I feel like I'm not taking any risks. I'm always playing it safe, and in high school, I never did things like sneak a guy into my house or sneak out of my house. I always abided and followed my parents' rules. I also feel like I'm less experienced in sex, I've hooked up with someone before, but it was an unpleasant experience. I wanted to have a better experience soon. Looking over this paragraph, I'm just realizing how irrational it was of me to do this. I was being selfish, and I wasn't thinking about how my parents would feel. But at the same time, I want to be independent and free of my parents', because I'm getting older. And it feels strange being back at home when I was away for college for so long. It's like I had my taste of independence but now it's gone. I don't know, I feel very conflicted right now.

[Sam W]

Those feelings of wanting more independence, or of wanting to take risks before it's "too late" are really common, and it makes a lot of sense that being home would make them flare up for you. Transitioning towards independence in young adulthood can be a rocky process. On a really basic, everyday level, are there things you can think of that would help you feel more independent?

I feel you on the taking risks thing; it sounds like you and I had very similar high school experiences of abiding by the rules set out by our parents (I recall the distinct thrill I got my first year of college realizing I didn't need to call anyone to tell them I'd be staying out late). Something that might help is to think about ways that you could try new things or have experiences that are out of the ordinary for you while you're at home. Those types of experiences involve some level of risk, but probably not the kind that would lead to conflict with your parents. Does that make sense?

You mention feeling less experienced than your peers when it comes to sex. The truth is, there are plenty of people your age with limited or no sexual experience (and honestly, there's nothing wrong with people of any age having little experience with sex). So,when you're making sexual choices, you can put any feelings of needing to catch up to others in terms of amount of experience to the side and focus on making the choice to have sex based on other factors (like readiness, compatibility, etc).

[glensa1]

At the same time, I also enjoyed it, and wanted to have sex with him. And I did feel ready. It was more about the time and place that I did everything that is stressing me out. Another reason I did it was also because I wanted to experience sex the way you're supposed to. As something that's actually enjoyable. I felt more pressured the first time I had sex because of my peers.

[glensa1]

I also can't help but feel guilty for what I've done. The guilt won't go away.

[Sam W]

Okay, so maybe it would help to poke at the guilt to figure out where it's coming from and what you could do to address it. Does it feel like it's coming from the specifics of the situation (like having to hide it from your parents) or from more general feelings about sex?

It sucks that your first sexual experience was unpleasant and had that pressure component. When you say you felt pressure because of your peers, was that pressure coming from certain people? Or from a more general sense of "everyone is doing this except me?"

[glensa1]

I feel like it's a mix of both, to answer the first question. It's mostly because of how I have to hide it from my parents, but my parents also told me that sex should be with someone that I care about. Like with someone I'm in a relationship with. And I haven't done that. They also would think (particularly my mom) that after my first time was a horrible experience I wouldn't do it again.

The pressure was coming from one of my friends, who was having casual sex. Another outside pressure that I was receiving was from the person that I was with. I had also met them on a dating app, and it seemed like he only wanted to have sex, but said that after hooking up for a while that maybe it would form a relationship, but that's not how it works. It felt like I was being used by him.

[Sam W]

Having to hide something can definitely amplify any guilt you feel about it. With those messages your parents gave you about only having sex with someone you care about, do you agree with that sentiment on some level? And have you ever set aside the time to think about what type(s) of sexual relationships feel like they match your needs and wants?

It sucks that someone like a friend would be part of the pressure you were feeling around having casual sex. Is that friend someone you still spend time with? And with that first partner, it does sound like he may have been offering up the idea of a more involved relationship as a way to convince you to hook up with him (whether or not he truly believed what he said only he can know), and it makes a lot of sense that dynamic would leave you feeling used. Was that the main pressure he applied? Or did he pressure you in other ways as well?

[glensa1]

I believe that you should have sex with someone that you have a connection with. With the second guy, I feel like I had a connection with him. He's someone I would want to be friends with. I don't want to hook up with someone once and that's it. Because then it's just sex without meaning. I agree with what my parents have said, but I think it might mean something different to me. I want to be free to experiment with sex. It's something I've always been curious about, and I feel like with this other partner, I didn't feel pressured. He was considerate about how I felt, he didn't force me to do anything that I didn't really want to do. Everything felt right this time. Like how it's supposed to feel.

I still spend time with that friend, but when I told her about stuff I did with my first partner, she seemed upset. She even said that I did more than her. But I don't think she realized that that's beside the point.

Another thing my first partner said was that he thought that I would learn to like some of the things he liked. And the way he would talk was like we were in a relationship even though we didn't really know each other well. He would also call himself a nice guy with no ill intention, but nice guys don't say that. I ignored all the red flags. In a nutshell, he said that if I were to perform certain sexual favors for him, he would believe that I was fit to be in a relationship with him. Wow, now that I'm writing this out, I didn't realize how toxic this really was. Despite the fact that I had cut him off, he's tried reaching out to me multiple times, and wouldn't take no for an answer.

So yeah, my first partner was a pretty bad experience.

[Sam W]

It sounds like, maybe, you're finding that you define "care about" differently than your parents do. As you've experienced with your second partner, casual sex partners can care about each other and show the affection and respect that entails. If you haven't read it yet, you may find this article useful in terms of finding way to avoid feeling guilty for more casual encounters: Casual...Cool? Making Choices About Casual Sex.

Do you and that friend still talk about sex or relationships at all? Or has she sort of laid off of that topic since you told her about your first experience?

You're completely right that the first guy sounds incredibly toxic and manipulative. He was also more than a bit coercive, since he was using your desire to be in a more formal relationship to get you to do sexual things. As much as you can, try not to feel too down on yourself for not noticing or for dismissing the red flags; red flags are often much easier to spot after the fact. In the moment, especially when they're attached to something we want, it can be easy to not notice or not focus on them. Is this guy still trying to get in contact with you? And have you talked to other people, like friends you trust, about how he treated you?

[glensa1]

Yes, I have talked to friends about what he did, and he isn't trying to reach out to me anymore. I made sure to be firm with him last time I talked to him and he has stopped. Talking to my friends really helped, and they made sure to let me know that this guy was very toxic.

[Sam W]

I'm glad you were able to talk to your friends, and that they were supportive of you! Dealing with the aftermath of an unpleasant relationship is easier with folks on your side.

Given everything we've talked about in this thread, is there a direction we could take the conversation that would be most helpful for you? Something we could offer more support or advice on (it's okay if the answer is no for now)?

[glensa1]

I feel a little bit uncomfortable with the fact that my beliefs about sex stray from that of my parents. Until recently, I followed everything my parents have taught me about life. It feels kind of strange to disagree with something. How can I best cope with that?

[Sam W]

That's a really common experience, so if nothing else know you're not alone in that struggle. Part of growing into adulthood is learning where your beliefs diverge from those of your parents and how to get comfortable with that reality. I really like the advice given in these two columns, both about how to get okay with the discomfort that can come with disagreeing with your parents about things related to sex and how to have some tough conversations with them as you claim your independence as an adult: https://www.scarleteen.com/article/poli ... l_controls, https://www.scarleteen.com/article/rela ... w_can_i_st. Looking at those pieces, do you see strategies you think would work for you and your relationship with your parents?

[glensa1]

Thank you so much, this is all very helpful! I'll read over this and consider what might work best for me moving forward

[Sam W]

You're so very welcome, and I'm glad it was helpful!