I don’t have the courage to come out to my parents

[Alitotherescue]

I’m a 13 year old kid who has known her sexuality for a year but still hasn’t come out, how do I know when I’m ready? I feel like I’m not going to be accepted for who I am.

(I’m Aro-Ace)




-Ali ♡

[Jacob]

Hi Crank!

You say 'still' but I don't think there was a time to come out if it didn't felt right for you at any point up until now.

Who are you thinking of coming out to? Or opening up with about how you are experiencing your sexuality?

Part of us feeling ready to speak more, is also about us feeling safe that we have the support we need to come out from the people we want to tell.

So how ready do they seem?

[Alitotherescue]

Well, I was thinking to tell one of my aunts that I trust fully and honestly, and I don’t think my family is ready to hear that I don’t want to be in a relationship with a boy, and honestly I don’t think they are even close to ready to hear about it till I’m in high school, since I’m barely an 8th grader and middle school is tough.

[Sam W]

Hi CrankThatStump,

If you're feeling ready to come out to your aunt, she sounds like an excellent starting place. If it would be helpful, you're welcome to use the space here to brainstorm how you want to come out to her.

With the rest of your family, if they don''t seem ready to listen to and accept you, then it's 100% okay not to come out to them just yet. That doesn't mean you're lacking courage; it means you're being careful about sharing a part of yourself with people who may react to it in ways that are hurtful. You mention them not being ready to hear about your identity. Are there certain things they've said or done that helped you come to that conclusion?

[Alitotherescue]

Well, my family is very religious, and my grandmother complains about what ever the fuck I do all the time, I mean, my grandpa is cool with it and always tells me to talk to him about whatever but I feel if my grandma gets ahold of this information, I’m gonna be complained about until the point that it makes everyone always bombard me, and since I have undiagnosed anxiety it will make shit even worse for me.

[Sam W]

Those all sound like very good reasons to hold off on coming out to them, at least for now. It also sounds like a stressful situation in general, and if you'd like to talk about some ways to maybe dodge some of the stress coming from home, that's something we can help with. For instance, is that "bombarding" a thing that happens often? And if it is, are you usually the target of it.

You mention you're dealing with an undiagnosed anxiety disorder. Is it undiagnosed because you haven't been able to access mental healthcare yet, or for another reason?

Too, do you have ways to access LGBTQA spaces or talk with other people in the community? Or are you isolated from that kind of support?

[Alitotherescue]

I haven’t had time to go see a doctor, and uh, everytime someone does something they always get bombarded like emotionally, I also do have discord and I am in a couple support servers where I can just vent and get advice.

[Sam W]

Glad to hear you have at least a few spaces where you can vent and talk to peers (FYI, you're more than welcome to make Scarleteen one of those spaces too). With accessing mental healthcare, it sounds like it may be time to figure out what needs to happen in order for you to have time to do that. Is it your own schedule that makes finding time difficult, or someone elses?

[Alitotherescue]

Well, it’s both my moms and my schedule that makes it hard, my mom runs a fashion business everyday from our own house and it makes it very hard to find time for things.

[Sam W]

That does sound busy! It may be time though to talk with her about making some time for you to access mental healthcare (I say this as someone who spent my adolescence dealing with an undiagnosed anxiety disorder: the sooner you can get connected to care, the better things tend to go). That might mean having another supportive adult help you get there, or maybe you doing the research to find potential therapists so that she only has to handle things like cost and transportation. Do you think you could talk with her about that?