How to be a better partner

[Heather]

Well, from the sounds of the conversation you and Sam were having, it sounded like you thought you had some pretty big self-esteem issues. When that's the case, it may be that one of the first things you can do is take a break from dating and these kinds of relationships and instead invest the time and energy and focus you would on those/that on yourself and working on your own esteem.

This is something usually best for someone like a counselor you can see over time, but there are also some ways to DIY it if you do't have access to that kind of help.

For example, what parts of your life do you feel like really bump up your self-esteem: what things make you feel great about yourself when you're doing them?

[Heather]

Per what you asked about exclusivity, there's no one right answer. But the first date certainly is awfully soon. I'd say that on the whole, it's when you and the other person have at least spent a few weeks, ideally longer than that, dating, and when it feels like the right time for both of you.

Sometimes that can be like dating a couple people, and realizing that you really only want to spend this kind of time with one of them. Other times, it might be that exclusivity is something someone asks for when they want to start being sexual. Other times still, it's something one or both of you come to when you have spent a few weeks or months in the relationship and have a good sense of it, and you know it's something you want to pursue further, and explore exclusively.

But I also think it helps to think of this as a discussion THEN an agreement, and probably not a discussion that's super-short or only happens in one round of talking. After all, even defining what you both mean and want by exclusivity is very specific, not always the same from one relationship or person to the next, so that alone can take some time.

That given though, I'd also say that if you feel like you need exclusivity from date one? That's a pretty good sign that maybe you (or whoever) probably don't feel secure enough in dating period for dating to maybe be right for you just yet: that can be a sign you need to increase your own self-confidence some more first.

[DArwin]

umm being home alone makes me pretty sad right now, I feel pretty good when I'm working out or hanging out with friends but I haven't had much motivation to do that

[DArwin]

I don't think I needed it that just what we both decided about o few days of kissing a lot and then a week later we talked about it and what it meant

[Heather]

umm being home alone makes me pretty sad right now, I feel pretty good when I'm working out or hanging out with friends but I haven't had much motivation to do that

How about you see what you can do to work on motivating yourself more to do the things -- like seeing friends and working out -- that you know increase your esteem?

[DArwin]

It's hard to remember specifically

[DArwin]

hmm I can't do that for a few weeks because of work and school

[DArwin]

how does a person know if you are ready to date?

[DArwin]

im not motavated to do much anymore

[Sam W]

Given some of the things you're describing, like lack of motivation to do much of anything and struggling to come up with things that make you feel good, it might be time to bring up these feelings with a mental healthcare provider. In a previous conversation, you mentioned you'd been going to therapy. Are you still going? And if so, have you brought up these feelings with your therapist?

With working out and connecting with friends, what if you set aside even fifteen minutes or a half hour to do one of those things (with friends, that may mean connecting with them digitally or over text)? That way you'd still be doing them even in the midst of a busy schedule.

With your question about dating, I need to clarify: are you asking how a potential partner knows if YOU are ready to date? Or are you asking how you will know if you're ready?

[DArwin]

Yes, I am still going to therapy, I will bring this up with them. I'll try to set aside some time with friends but it is hard because they don't respond consistently. I would like to know the answers to both of the last questions, how do I know if I'm ready and how does a potential partner know if I'm ready?

[Heather]

Why don't you start by looking at these articles, which can fill you in some more about what's required for healthy dating relationships:
• Hello, Sailor! How to Build, Board and Navigate a Healthy Relationship
• Does Your Relationship Need a Checkup?
• How to Clash With Love: Some Conflict Resolution Basics
• Intimacy: The Whys, Hows, How-Nots, and So-Nots

I also think this piece might be a good one for you per getting over this last relationship, btw: First, But Not Last: On Finding, Navigating and Losing First Loves.

[DArwin]

Ok thank you for the articles I'll be sure to read them

[DArwin]

The articles are really helpful and comforting I haven't read them all ( I read, first but not last love, the how to build healthy relationships, and I am in the middle of the one about conflict resolution) all but I will probably tomorrow but from the titles I can assume they won't answer a few more questions I have about this situation. The first one how will I know when I am ready to date and how can I show that to a potential partner? How should my relationship with my ex-girlfriend continue, should it make me nervous or make me feel bad? would It be wrong to ever try to get back together with my ex? How can avoid comparing any possible new relationship and new partner to my first one Should I even try to avoid doing that comparison is it unhealthy and unfair to the new person.

[Sam W]

Hi DArwin,

Glad the articles are helping!

In terms of dating readiness, it's going to vary a little from person to person, but ideally you'd be in a place where all or most of the items in "Hello Sailor" are things you feel you can manage. It's also important to be in a good space in terms of how you feel about yourself. If your relationship with yourself, including things like your self esteem, still needs some major work it's usually sound to hold off on dating for a bit. Too, you don't want to still be hung-up on your ex. While a little comparison is to be expected (you notice new partner does X while old partner did Y), if you find yourself constantly comparing a potential new partner to how your ex was, that's a sign you're not quite ready to date yet. When you feel ready, the best way to communicate that to a partner is to be pretty direct about it: tell them you're interested in dating them and see if they're interested in dating you.

With your ex, you're in the period after a breakup where giving each other a lot of space is probably the best call. Even when exes manage to be friends, there's a period when the breakup is fresh where they put space between themselves in order to deal with the feelings from the breakup and decide what, if any, relationship they want to have with the other person in the future. And while some exes do get back together and have a positive relationship, the success of that depends on how much the issues that lead to the breakup in the first place have been addressed (in the case of your ex, it sounds like there were some fundamental differences around things like faith, which can sometimes mean there's a basic incompatibility that might never go away). Does that make sense?

[DArwin]

yes it all makes sense, I am doing my best to give her space and not talking to her much( maybe once per day over text) and sometimes in person( um 6 interactions when we are at work together) and I kinda just try to treat her as friend usual that means just making her laugh, I still feel like I have feelings for her which suck espacially because she hugged me for a bit yesterday and it felt really nice emotional and I was able to relax and I'm still attracted to her which also sucks because I was starting to be turned on a little. Is it unhealthy to still be attracted to an ex sexual or to check them out?

[Sam W]

Nope, it's not unhealthy (or all that unusual) to be attracted to an ex, since breaking up doesn't automatically mean they stop having the qualities that attracted you to them in the first place. That being said, it sounds like it might be a helpful choice to keep your interactions with her to a minimum. Being around an ex when you're not all the way over them can prolong the pain of a breakup. Since you can't stop seeing her entirely because you work together, dialing back on the interactions you have with her is your next best option.

[DArwin]

Ok thank you

[Sam W]

You're welcome! Is there anything else we can offer you support or information around right now?

[DArwin]

I'm not sure if this will be a problem but how can I make sure I don't get jealous when she dates new people, I'm trying to look at as she is just trying to be happy and she deserves happiness and that is working well and I'm hoping she does find someone new to love. But I don't know how I would feel if she dated someone new and like saw her kiss someone or cuddle with another boy, or girl. Also, I will probably also talk about this with my therapist wednesday. I kinda just hope she hugs me still like she did because it was really nice, sorry if it's weird but she put one of her hands on the back of my head and rand her hand through my hair just a little. Sorry if I shared a bit too much.

[Sam W]

Talking over these feelings with a therapist is an excellent plan! The tricky thing about feelings like jealousy is that, at a certain point, you can't control if they happen. Sometimes they just occur, even when you wish they wouldn't. What helps in those instances, and in minimizing the times when jealously might arise, is learning to process that jealousy in a healthy way. This article has some excellent suggestions on how to do that: Jealousy: Making Friends With a Green-Eyed Monster.

It's not weird to enjoy physical contact, especially from someone you still have feelings for. But, I do think it's worth looking at whether that contact ultimately heightens the pain from the breakup, even if it feels good in the moment.

[DArwin]

Thank you for all your help of you, Sam,Heather, and Jacob I really appreciate it . Thank you for all the helpful reading material I will try to read them all today or tomorrow. I don't think it's making the pain any worse, I don't I any more attached to her or like this built may feeling for her( maybe it did and I just haven't noticed) I feel calmer and like I'm more ok if I don't get another hug from her, I feel a little more closure about it so overall I think it was helpful. the last question have is would be unhealthy to keep the stuff my ex gave me and have it easily seen in my room( She was an amazing artist and I have a lot of small quick sketches she gave me as well as some beautiful color drawing, Some cute little notes she wrote me, a multitool she gave me and a hairbrush she gave me.)

[Heather]

Something I often do for myself with breakups and the things I have from the relationship that I want to keep is to put them all in a box. Then I label that box clearly, then I put it away somewhere out of sight. Later on down the road, once I've had time to settle into the breakup and move on -- and often only when I move, or if that person and I became friends and we want to revisit the stuff or show it to current people in our lives -- then I can open it back up and have it usually be a positive thing.

Sometimes I'll even find that when I remember it's around, it's at a point where I feel comfortable wither getting rid of those things altogether or asking the ex if they want them 9and if not, then saying goodbye).

But you are the person who knows what feels best for you: if you feel like still having the stuff out is what's right for right now, I trust your instincts! Same goes with if you feel best putting it away or getting rid of it.

[DArwin]

Ok thank you for the advice

[Heather]

Sure thing.

I do just want to add that I hope you'll just let yourself feel all the things you're feeling and give yourself time to process and grieve and then move forward. I also hope that you're not taking to viewing yourself as some kind of giant self-improvement project, or figuring your relationship ended because you need to do some kind of massive work on yourself.

At this stage of life and relationships, it's most common for romantic and sexual relationships to be really short no matter HOW great everyone in them is, no matter how good a partner people are. That's not about anyone doing anything wrong: it's mostly just about everyone being so new to the whole thing, learning all at the same time and being at the very beginning of even starting to figure out what they/you even want.

I think it's great to be thinking about what you offer people as partners, but my point is I hope you also can just take care of and accept yourself right now at least as much as you're thinking about how to improve yourself. <3