Setting Boundaries

[14fields]

Hello all,

I'm in a new relationship, but I'm a definite introvert and need at least some uninterrupted time alone each day to have my own thoughts, otherwise I feel like I'm driven up the wall. I love my girlfriend, but we've been communicating on average 6-8 hours a day, and it's starting to get to me and I'm now feeling a bit smothered. I'd tell her that I need time alone, but I feel bad for doing so because she's going through a rough time right now, and she has an anxiety disorder and she doesn't have much of a support system at all to communicate all of her worries with. I feel like I'm constantly in the position to reassure her and make her feel better, which is honestly draining to me. I mean, I want to know about her worries and support her, but I have anxiety and depression issues myself so I never have a ton of energy to give away. How can I gently and respectfully tell her that I need more alone time, and that I cannot always be her constant source of reassurance? I don't want to break up with her but I fear that if this continues and we can't work through this, then I may consider it. I've been anxious myself over this issue, coupled with feelings of guilt.

[Jacob]

Hi 14fields and welcome to scarleteen,

This sounds like it has been really difficult for you and I'm sorry hear that a relationship with someone you obviously care about has been draining you so very much.

I think the way I would think about this is that really healthy boundaries are good for all of us. If you look after yourself more and take the time that you need, I'm not actually convinced that this would be bad for your partner at all. It can be difficult to make the adjustment, but really is it very difficult to be supportive of someone, anywhere near the level of support we can give when we are at our bests, if we too are really unwell. People can often feel some of the negativity when we are feeling drained by them and so setting clear boundaries can mean that they don't have to worry about imposing either, as they can trust you to be honest about being happy to give the support that you give. Then, in addition to this you're worried that you are going to burn out which means the support you have been able to provide will be completely gone.

Finally, however, and which for me is most important, I really feel that you deserve to feel better! Setting those boundaries has a real purpose and one which really matters. Just as you'd like your partner to prioritise your mental health, because you would like her to be happier... I would really like you to be happier and prioritise your mental health. Altogether, I think you are completely on the right track by bringing up boundaries, and it's a way of thinking that I'm sure will be good for you both.

It can be hard to see when you're in the centre of a number push/pull factors, but I totally agree that making the time for your feelings and your mental health sounds like the absolute best thing to do.

How does that sound?
Can we help with anything surrounding actually doing it?

[14fields]

Hi Jacob,

Thank you for replying. Yes.... how would you suggest that I approach this with her while sounding tactful?

[Sam W]

Hi 14fields,

I can't speak for what Jacob has in mind, but one thing that might help is framing the boundaries as good for both of you and for your relationship (which they are). This is something that you're bringing to her because you finding it's starting to put a strain on the relationship, and you want to find a way for you both to feel taken care of and happy that isn't draining. I also think directness is you ally here. The more plainly you put what you're feeling and you need, the less room for miscommunication and misunderstanding. You can still be gentle, of course.

I would also encourage her to nurture other support networks. If she's doing things like hanging out with friends, or a hobby, or seeing a therapist, encourage and support her to keep doing those things. That way, she's not relying on you to be her primary source of support.

[Kaizen]

I'd like to add a really common piece of advice for discussing things like this: phrase things in terms of your own feelings, not as accusations towards her. "I statements." I think you've got this down, actually. ("I need more alone time, and that I cannot always be her constant source of reassurance") It helps the other person not to feel like you're blaming them or saying they're bad, which makes a discussion much calmer.

[Heather]

I'd add, too, that "I need more time to take care of myself," is plenty tactful. Like we talked about in chat when we were discussing this, if you feel like you have to go bonkers to finesse something so basic and essential for healthy relationships, then something much bigger is the matter.

This should not be something that is a huge deal, and by all means, 6-8 hours daily of communication (which yoiu didn't mention in our chat, and if you had, I would have been like "YIPES!") is too much for anyone, in any kind of relationships when we're not talking about something like a parent and a small child.

[14fields]

Just as an update: I talked to her about this, and she was totally fine with it. Sometimes I still feel like I have a sense of responsibility because of her depression and anxiety and don't want her to feel alone even though I know I shouldn't feel that way, but she acknowledged that it could be rough on me. So, the relationship has been better

[Heather]

Based in the chat conversation we had before you posted this thread, and what you just said, I feel like it might be helpful to you to educate yourself about codependence. Do you already have a sense of what that is, and how it may be part of all this?