How to reach orgasm when you don't have a clitoris abd can't break your hymen?

[Light]

Hi so I'm 23 from a very traditional country where FGM is done and Hymens are proof of virginity. I want to achieve orgasm however I don't have a clit to masturbate and I can't brrak my hymen. is it still possible abd how can I achieve it?

[Heather]

Welcome to our boards, Light. I don't know how you feel about the FGM that was done to you or these cultural virginity standards, and I don't want to assume, but if you want support around this or want to talk about it, let me know.

Orgasm is actually something that happens in and because of the central nervous system and the brain. People will typically feel its effects in and around their genitals, and most typically, people will engage in some kind of genital stimulation to reach orgasm, but having an external clitoris isn't a requirement for orgasm. Neither is any kind of sex that involves vaginal entry (and those kinds of sex don't typically get people to orgasm alone, anyhow).

So, a few things:
1) Even with external clitoral excision, the internal portions of the clitoris still remain. They aren't as dense with nerve endings as the clitoral shaft and hood, but they still have a lot, and you can stimulate those via things like deep massage of your inner thighs or mons and by stimulating the inner and outer labia. Whether or not that feels good to you and gets you to orgasm, I can't say: we're all highly individual.
2) Orgasm is a thing that lasts just a couple seconds. All by itself, it really isn't much to write home about: instead, it's usually the pleasurable things people do to get there that tend to satisfy people more. Those feelings tend to last longer and can be just as intense, sometimes more so, as orgasm.
3) What you'll want to focus on, period, is pleasure -- is finding what feels good for you in a way that speaks to your own sexuality. That is often a combination of thoughts, emotions and physical, sensations, so you'll just want to experiment with all three and see what happens for you.

Do you have a sense of things that already feel good to you, genitally and/or otherwise? What about sexual fantasy: is that something you've explored already and already know some thoughts or fantasies that turn you on?

[Light]

I dunno if this is the right way to post a reply. I hope you see it. Thank you so much for offering help as a matter of fact I do feel like I need to talk about it and Thank you for the wonderful information. Unfortunately I live in a country where sexual pleasure is taboo specially for a girl and I'm just starting to learn about my body and sexuality

[Heather]

I'm so sorry for what you've been through and for the burdens you live with around all this. I'm glad to talk with you about this in any way that feels best for you and fits your needs.

I also want to make sure you know about the work of a colleague of mine, Mona Eltahawy, who is also Egyptian, and who has written a couple amazing books that I think you might find very valuable if you haven't read her already. Headscarves and Hymens: Why the Middle East Needs a Sexual Revolution is already out, and she's got another one coming out next month.

Where would you like to take this conversation from here?

[Light]

Thank you again for you help. I will check out that book. I'd like to talk to you more to learn and explore sexuality if convenient to you.how can I contact you?

[Heather]

Of course.

We can keep talking right here if you like, which is probably easiest for us both.

Even though everything you post here is posted anonymously, if you'd like more privacy than this, we can also find a time when it works to talk using our live chat system on the site. If that's what you want to do, I'll go ahead and email you from my work email (@scarleteen) and we can schedule a time. We can also do both, if you'd like.

[Light]

That's so kind of you. I think talking here for now is convenient regarding the time difference and such. I don't know where to start exactly, I was raised to believe that extramarital sex is a terrible sin, and I think in my culture that makes all forms of sex taboo wether extramarital or not. I began to see my genitals as a source of shame and embaressment and that's what I like to start with. Learning how to love my body and see my genitals as pleasure organs, get rid of the shame.

[Heather]

That works just fine for me.

I'm sure you don't need me to tell you that this kind of unlearning will tend to be something that takes a long time and is often very emotionally challenging and demanding. But I also want to make sure you know it's something where small steps do often make a gradual difference over time and as you do them.

I have found that one of the best places to start with the kinds fo things you mentioned are taking some time to think and talk about what YOU think -- not your culture or family, but you -- and how YOU feel -- about sex, sexuality and your body. Might you be up to thinking and talking a little with me about that? Setting aside the messages you've gotten from others, including your larger culture, can you say a little about your own thoughts, ideas and feelings about all of this?

[Light]

Hello Heather,
I'm so sorry for the late reply. I had tons of exams as it's my last year of med school.
I've thought plenty about your question fore and it was really hard to reach a separate sexual identity for myself. My sexuality is very confusing, till now I can't really say if I'm "hetero" or "homo". I hope using those terms are not offensive, please pardon my ignorance.
I don't think I love my body that much. I'm always covering it up, I never look at it. Maybe I can use some advice in that field?

[Sam W]

Hi Light,

Heather is off for the day, and hopefully it's okay if I step in with a few thoughts.

First off, congratulations on making it through your exams!

With your sexuality, figuring out (or just thinking about) your sexual orientation is already a big step. It sounds like you'd describe yourself as straight (I'm assuming that's what you mean by "hetero") rather than gay. When you say it felt confusing, can you tell me a little more about that? And would it help to have some information on how sexual orientation has far more options than just straight and gay?

Too, when thinking about your sexuality, sexual orientation (that is, which gender or genders you're attracted to) is only one piece of the equation. If you haven't read it, this article goes into a lot of detail about all the different parts of sexuality: Sexuality: WTF Is It, Anyway?.

It can be really tough to feel like you don't like your body, and that's definitely something we can talk with you about. Can you give me a sense of what feelings you do have about your body? For instance, is shame a factor? Feeling like you don't measure up to certain beauty standards? Something else?