[deleted]

[Heather]

Hey there, Rhune. Welcome to the boards.

I'm sorry that you've felt like you've had to keep all of this to yourself, and that you haven't yet felt able to tell anyone close to you about any of it.

I think that often the best strategy with things like this is to:
1) Think of who, in your life, you'd really like to know what about you (for example, maybe you want your parents to know about your gender and orientation feelings, but telling them about the roleplay doesn't feel like a thing you want to share, but maybe you want to tell your girlfriend about all these things, and maybe you only want any extended family to only know about your gender right now), and then,
2) Who of those people and those things, feels like the person + whatever you want to share you feel like is likely to have the share go best with.

With stuff like this, the more support we can gather the easier it can get to share things with more people. Even just starting by having one person you can tell and who is supportive can go a very long way. Is there someone you can think of you can share at least one of these things with who you feel pretty confident will be accepting and supportive?

[Cloud]

I wasn't planning on telling them about the roleplay and stuff either. That's a little too personal haha. But i mean if someone close in my family i had to tell first it'd be my grandma. She's the most understanding and really.. polite person in my family. But that's also where most of it stops..

[Heather]

Well, how about just going ahead and starting there then, and not worrying/thinking about telling anyone else just yet? Is your grandma someone you also want to tell any of this to? If so, is there anything you want help with when it comes to how to bring this up with her?

One of the cool things about having one person who is supportive is that you can not only get all the positive feels having that person can give you, but you can also get someone to help you strategize telling others, including whether it's the right time for you to do that, about what, finding best ways to do it (heck, sometimes in situations like this, it can even be that your grandma might be someone who can help by talking to other family members first a little, if that's something you want and that feels right to both of you).

[Cloud]

First of all i just want to thank you for taking the time to give me support in this, but i really want to tell my grandma. But i just really don't know how and i'm still scared about the reaction. I'd appreciate if she'd tell some other family member yes.

[Heather]

Absolutely, that's a big part of what we're here for.

I totally understand being scared. We just put out a new piece the other day I think might be perfect for you: https://www.scarleteen.com/article/rela ... p_guide_to

It sounds to me like you have a lot of confidence in your grandma: have you ever told her something that felt even a little scary before? If so, how did that go, and what did you do there? If not, let's maybe start with this: what way of revealing something like these things to someone do you think would generally make you feeling most comfortable? In person or not, for instance? And are you someone who's more of a rip-the-bandaid-off-fast person (just blurt a thing out and take it from there), or someone who feels better kind of feeling things out first with smaller shares, or by telling your grandma, for instance, you have some things you want to share with her but that you're nervous about, and seeing how it goes from there?

You also say you're scared of your reaction. I think it can be helpful to think about what you're scared of, and then make a plan for it that thing happens. Scary things can feel less scary when we feel at least a little prepared for them, you know?

[Cloud]

I mean I've had like small secrets and that kind of stuff I've told her before. And just because i know she's a very understanding person. And i really appreciate that. And i wish i was the kind of rip-the-bandaid-off person but i'm not. I'm with the smallest thing most likely crying and with this stuff i'll most likely will need some time to explain and talk about it.

Ofcourse i feel like telling this stuff over text or so is easier. But if for example this was easy for me I'd 100% say this in person because i personally think that's more respectful. And i can really talk about it more in person.

But just about the being scared part, i'm scared that they won't see me as they used to. And that they won't understand how i feel and how it's really like.

[Heather]

There's nothing wrong with you being exactly the kind of person you are! Being super blunt and direct isn't the best way for everyone or every situation: just for some people. There's no best way, period, just whatever way works best and feels best for you.

I also totally understand having to manage a crying response with this stuff: I've been there. But I also want to say that it is okay to cry if that's how you feel and you're with someone it's safe to cry around, which it sounds like your grandma probably is. I sometimes find it can be more stressful to be worrying about crying than it can just be to let it happen, you know?

I also understand all of those fears, and they're all totally valid. How might you feel about leading with those when you talk to your grandma? Like telling her -- and if text works best for you, you can absolutely do this in text, or at least start it this way: this is about what YOU need, not what others do -- you want to share something with her about yourself, but you're nervous and also feel scared she won't see you the same way she has. You can also add that you'd like to tell her how you feel and how it's like for you, this stuff you want to tell her, because it's important to you that you feel understood.

On that, she might not understand how you feel or what it's really like if it's not anything she herself has felt or directly experienced. She also might just need time to understand and might slowly get it more and more over time. But even if she can't give you that kind of understanding right away, what she probably can give you -- which is probably what you need most -- is acceptance. People don't have to understand us or our experiences to accept us. Not everyone is good at that, at accepting people who are different than them, but I suspect that your grandma isn't like that if you feel like she's the right person to tell first.

[Cloud]

Thank you so much. Really.
I'm going to tell her not now, but i'm going to just take a little more time. Think about it and then tell her.
I'm really grateful for people like you who're there for people who're going through this.

[Heather]

I've been grateful for those people in my own life too, so I understand, and thanks for that. We really are glad to pay it forward to the people who were those folks for us for some of you here. <3

Feel free to pop back here if you want more help or support or brainstorming when it comes to this, or just if you want to talk about any of these issues with people who have been there and who you know already are supportive and accepting.