Keeping private things not so private?

[iamnotonfire]

Hello Scarleteen,
I am a 21 year old female that still lives with my parents. I am sexually active, so there are some things I keep privately when I need to use them: pregnancy tests, condoms, emergency contraception - you get my idea. But since I'm still living with my parents, I'm not quite comfortable keeping them in my drawer because sometimes parents get curious about what their children do and I'm afraid they're going to find my stuff and make me feel guilty for having it. Is there anyway I could keep my things safe, away from them? Moving out isn't an option yet, buying a box with a lock? Hmm, not so sure about it either. Now I hide them deep in my nightstand drawer where (I hope) they won't look for anythings. Thank you for your replies.

[Sam W]

Hi iamnotonfire,

Hiding them in the drawer, or another place where you know your parents are unlikely to look (backs of closets, under the bed, etc) is a good option. Do they have a habit of looking through your things, or is more that you're worried this is something they might do, rather than something they are already doing?

Too, even when we're really careful, parents can find out we're sexually active. Depending on how your parents are, it might be worthwhile to have a conversation with them about the fact that you're sexually active, rather than have them find out some other way and have to deal with it as a surprise. You mention you worry they would guilt you if they found out. Do they generally give you pretty shame-filled messages about sex? Have they told you they'd be disappointed or angry if they found out you were sexually active?

[iamnotonfire]

My parents are always 'you have to know your place', 'you are a girl', 'don't you have any self-worth?', 'you going come home pregnant' something like that.

[Heather]

Ouch. . I'm so sorry to hear that. That sounds really tough, on top of also being wildly sexist.

[iamnotonfire]

Yeah, it's wild when you think about it. I actually don't know if they will go through my stuff in the future or not, but I just wanna make sure they won't find out

[Mo]

Considering the sort of things they've said to you about sex and the idea that you might be sexually active, I can understand why you wouldn't want them to find your supplies. Hiding them in an unobtrusive place is probably a good idea! You could maybe even put things in a fabric bag or pouch and wrap it in an old t-shirt or something, and put that in an out of the way place like the top of a shelf or back corner of your closet, under your bed (especially if you have other things under the bed you could hide it behind), under clothing in a drawer, or even under a corner of your mattress if you can do that without it being visible or noticeable.

[iamnotonfire]

Thank you!
But still, we live in a flat which is very small and we tend to have things literally everywhere. So I'm not quite sure if my mom/dad wouldn't just, you know, be looking for something and there you go. A surprise from their daughter.
I don't know if I don't trust them because they never tend to go through my stuff, but who knows, maybe some day they will. I'll use your advice and hope for the best. Thanks again!

[Sam W]

Given that living situation, under the bed or somewhere that only your things are kept is probably the way to go, since that way they won't be looking for something they need and accidentally find your safer sex supplies.

Since it sounds like they're really into shaming you about being sexual, it may also help to have a plan for what you're going to do if they do happen to find your things. Like I said, even when we're really careful and our parents aren't snooping in our stuff, a parent can find out we're sexually active on accident (think things like condom wrappers in the trash, or overhearing a conversation). It may be that they never discover it while you're living at home, but it's better to have a plan an not need it than to need one and not have it. If it would be helpful, you can use the space here to brainstorm idea (it sounds like they say really awful stuff, but not like you'd be in physical danger if they found out, but if I have that wrong please correct me).

[iamnotonfire]

Noo, they would never be violent with me. That will never happen.
If they somehow will find out eventually, I guess I should just have a calm conversation with them. To my mind, honesty and calmness always help to solve problems&conflicts. What do you guys think?

[Sam W]

Glad to hear it (we always want to check that a user isn't in physical danger if their parents find out they're sexually active, because it changes how we approach the advice we give).

I agree with you that those are the ideal ways to solve a problem or have a conversation about a tough topics. If you ever need it, either for this conversation or another one where emotions might be running high, this article has some great tools on how to resolve conflict and have tough talks: How to Clash With Love: Some Conflict Resolution Basics