Mixed Feelings About Friend

[Herstory]

I feel I have unresolved feelings over a situation that happened this summer. So this summer while my partner and I were polyamorous, I met this guy at a bar that I liked and wanted to be partners with. But then I got way too drunk and ended up blacking out that night. The next morning, I found out that my friend had basically taken advantage of the situation, exchanged contacts with him, and proceeded to pursue him, despite that she knew I liked him and despite the fact that she herself had a boyfriend who she was completely monogamous with. She would bring him to all our outings after that and tell me how great he was and would literally cheat on her boyfriend in front of me with the guy that she knew I liked. She would also take him home to our apartment for sleepovers and this whole thing made me feel uncomfortable. I talked to her about it, but she kinda denied it and said she didn’t do anything wrong, which I guess she didn’t but I felt pretty betrayed. To this day I still don’t know how I feel about it or what to think about it. I don’t know if she was in the wrong or maybe I was in the wrong for thinking that. Her boyfriend to this day still doesn’t she cheated on him, but I don’t feel it’s my place to tell him, especially since I don’t know him personally. I just feel all sorts of bad and weird about this situation and I don’t know why and I just want to move on from it. Any advice?

[Sam W]

Hi Herstory,

I think it may help to separate our your feelings about your friend cheating on her partner in a way that made you feel complicit in having to hide it from the fact that you were interested in the same guy. One is putting you in a position where you feel like you're helping her be dishonest with her partner, the other is more about accepting that sometimes friend are interested in the same person, and one decides to ask them out first. When you talked to her about this, did you focus on one of those issues more than the the other?

[Herstory]

Mostly about her cheating. She wanted advice on what to do so we didn’t focus on my feelings that much. I gave her the best advice I could.

[Siân]

Okay, so it sounds like you still have a lot to process on the how you feel side of things. Did you want to talk to her about it? Or are you more needing to sort out your thoughts and feelings for yourself?

As Sam said, there are kind of two separate things going on here - the cheating and the pursuing someone you were interested in - do you know what part of this is weirding you out most?

[Herstory]

Honestly, I don’t really know. But we moved out recently and we’re not living together anymore so at least I don’t have to confront it everyday anymore.

[Sam W]

Glad to hear that moving out has helped a little. Does it feel like she's a friend you maybe want to spend less time around in general? Or are you hoping the friendship can continue in the way it was before this summer?