Birth control, protection

[Itsangie09]

Hello, so my boyfriend and I just recently started having sex. And how only form of protection we have right now are condoms. Later on I’m thinking of getting birth control pill since I heard it’s more affective. And whenever we use a condom he pulls out before he cums and he takes it off slowly to see if there was any seamen that spilled out or if there was any rips or tears. If we keep doing this whole using a condom is the possibility of me getting pregnant lower?

[Sam W]

Hi Itsangie,

So, if he pulls out before ejaculation every time, that means you two are using withdrawal along with condoms, which does increase the level of protection. You can read more about that here: The Buddy System: Effectiveness Rates for Backing Up Your Birth Control With a Second Method

As for checking it, you don't need to worry about semen spilling out unless the condom came all the way off him (condoms are designed to keep semen from leaking out). With tears, anytime a condom rips it's going to be noticeable when he pulls out, and one or both of you might actually feel it happen.

[Itsangie09]

Well I’m also interested in using birth control but I don’t want my parents finding out so where can I get some without going to my doctor with my mom?

[Siân]

Unfortunately, in Utah if you are under 18 and unmarried then you need your parent's consent to access prescription birth control.

That doesn't, however, mean that your mom gets to be in the room for all of the conversations between you and your doctor, or gets to know more than you choose to share with her about your sex life. You can look for a sexual health clinic to talk you through your options, and they will be able to talk you through what services they can offer and what confidentiality they can give when you make an appointment with them, as well as what they need in terms of permission.

Do you think your parents would try to prevent you accessing birth control?

[Itsangie09]

Well they don’t know I’ve been having sex with my boyfriend. And they don’t like him so I know they’ll be against it if I do tell him.

[Heather]

Do you want to talk about why they don't like him?

Also, you might want to look into telemedicine providers like Project Ruby for other methods of birth control: https://www.prjktruby.com/ My understanding is that minors like those in states like Utah may be able to get the pill this way.

[Itsangie09]

They just don’t like him when they’ve never even met him or given him a chance. He’s offered to talk to them and take them out to eat so many times so they can get to know each other but they don’t approve. And it sucks because I love him but I also love my parents too.

[Sam W]

Hi Itsangie,

That sounds like a really tough spot to be in, and it can really suck to feel like you're stuck between people you care about. Do they object to him, specifically? Or do they just not approve of your having a boyfriend at all

[Itsangie09]

They object to him specifically. They’re okay with me dating other guys and they try to set me up with other guys but I don’t want that. I want to date him and date who I want.

[Heather]

Trying to set you up with other people when you're clear you don't want to date others certainly is disrespectful of you. I'm sorry they're doing that.

You say they haven't ever met him but don't like him: is this about something they already know about him without having met him, then, or...?

[Itsangie09]

No they've never met him or knew anything about him until I said I liked him. And I always share everything with my parents because they’ve always been supportive and I thought they would’ve been when I said I wanted to date him. But they didn’t. They almost took me out of my school because he was attending the same school as me.

[Heather]

I’m sorry if I’m being daft, but I feel very confused! (Of course, maybe you do, too!) What exactly is their objection to this particular person if they haven’t met him? His race? His age? His family...? Just trying to figure out what they can know about a person they haven’t met that is so apparently objectionable.

[Itsangie09]

They just think that I can do better but that’s up to me. I get to choose who I want to be with. And they judge him a lot because of his looks.

[Sam W]

You're absolutely right that you get to choose who you want to be with, and it sounds like you're parents are behaving in a really frustrating way. Have you ever asked them to specify what they mean when they say you can "do better?" I ask because vague statements like that often cover up more specific biases. And when they judge him because of how he looks, do you mean in terms of attractiveness?

[Itsangie09]

Well he’s my first boyfriend and I’ve talked to other guys before but I never started dating them. And since he’s my first boyfriend they fear I’m gonna marry him someday, which I don’t see what the problem would be if I do. Like I think my happiness should matter to them. And they want me to try other guys which is why they always bring up other guys when they know I’m clearly not interested. And they judge him a lot on how he looks; he’s not tall, he’s like tan but slightly darker because he’s mixed race. And they just think he’s not attractive.

[Mo]

Honestly, it's pretty weird to me that your parents are talking about your boyfriend's looks at all. It doesn't matter if they are attracted to him or not! That just isn't something they should be concerning themselves with. Sadly, since it sounds like they're making comments about his skin tone I worry that this is a cover or excuse they're using for disliking him due to his race.

[Itsangie09]

The thing though is we’re mexican and we have tanned skin too. And he’s Mexican and half black and he speaks Spanish too. So I don’t understand why my parents care about that.

[Mo]

Those sorts of prejudices aren't always logical! I don't know for sure that that's the reason, but from what you said it sounded like a possibility. Either way, it isn't their business how attractive they think he is, and I'm sorry they're using that as a reason to say they disapprove of him. It's really not helpful to you at all.

[Itsangie09]

I just don’t know what to do, im still seeing him but my parents don’t know and I feel bad for lying. But I really do love him.

[Heather]

What's your relationship with your parents like? Is it the kind where you can ask them to sit down and talk with you about this and be very honest with them, both about your actions, but also about your feelings? I think it sounds like you also need to try setting some boundaries with them, like making clear that who they find attractive isn't about YOUR dating life (it's about theirs), and you want them to stop putting that on you, and also asking them to please respect this is the relationship you have and to stop trying to set you up with other people. I would ask them to be supportive.

All of this of course may be difficult if -- and I agree with Mo here that it likely is -- racism is part of this picture. Just because they're Mexican -- and he's half Mexican himself doesn't mean they can't be racist. There's actually a lot of racism against Black people in a lot of Mexican families and communities, unfortunately. But you're probably going to have better success talking about the things I mentioned above, or at least starting with those, then coming at them head-on to talk to them about racism being a likely part of this.